Quiz time

My fans - yes, both of them - keep telling me (well, they may or may not have mentioned something in passing) how much they love... well, OK, tolerate (same thing)... the occasional quizzes I set them. So here goes with another one. This time it's a fairly topical quiz, taking in local and foreign "personalities" and stuff like that.

Oh yes, and the answers are directly under each question. This is to save you having to hunt for them on some other page, which you may already have thrown away or used to mop up the dog's poo.

And yes, they are the right way up. There's nothing more annoying than having to turn the bloody page upside down to discover the answers... especially when you may have a hobza balancing on the newspaper... or something.

So here goes:

Question 1. What is the difference between the Confederation of Hunters, Trappers and "Conservationists" and my 97-year-old nanna?

Answer: They are both living on borrowed time.

2. What do the following have in common: Neville Chamberlain's "agreement" with Nazi Germany, the "liberation" of Iraq by the US-led coalition, and Malta's membership of the European Union?

None of them were quite what they were cracked up to be.

3. What have a 10-mile tailback on the autostrada, the Black Hole of Calcutta and Notte Bianca/Magica have in common?

Absolutely everything.

4. Which is the most cultured entity - local daytime TV, the current government, a pot of yoghurt?

It's no contest really... the yoghurt wins by a country mile.

5. What is the difference between Attila the Hun and our land speculators?

Attila rapes and pillages... our speculators rape villages.

6. What does the late Maria Callas have in common with Debbie Scerri and Fabrizio Faniello?

She never won the Eurovision Song Contest either.

7. What have Chiara, Dame Edna Everage and George Pullicino have in common?

None of them has ever appeared on Page Three of The Sun newspaper.

8. What do King Ludwig of Bavaria, King George III of England and Zinedine Zidane have in common?

They were all nutters. (Boom! Boom!)

9. What's the difference between Joseph Stalin, Saddam Hussein and Robert Mugabe?

Mugabe's still around.

10. What do Alfred Sant, Vince Farrugia, Joe Bonello and Enzo Gusman have in common?

A pathological aversion to gale-force winds.

11. What's the difference between Silicone Valley and Smart City?

Silicone Valley actually exists.

12. What have the president of the Malta Football Association and my mother-in-law from Australia got in common?

Neither of them is capable of realising when it's time to go.

13. What have tennis player Tim Henman, the England football team and Alternattiva Demokratika got in common?

They are all serial losers.

14. What is the difference between Malta and North Korea?

There are more tourists in North Korea.

15. Who should be the next Maltese to be canonised - Rachel Vella, Joe Chetcuti or Lou Bondi?

Lou... by a short head.

16. What is the difference between an average morning in downtown Baghdad and a Maltese village festa?

Not a lot.

17. Who won the 2005-2006 Malta Premier Football League - Sliema, Valletta, the bookies?

Who do you think?

18. Who is the most unintentionally funny columnist currently writing in local newspapers? I.M. Beck, Kenneth Zammit Tabona, Frank Salt?

It's got to be Frank Salt. Have you ever read one of his efforts (all the way through, I mean)? Hysterical!

19. What's the similarity between the Malta football team and my 87-year-old nannu?

Neither of them scores very often.

20. What have Britney Spears, Wayne Rooney and the Mosta council handyman have in common?

They are all grossly overpaid.

21. An easy one to end with: Which of these four "world" figures has not been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize - Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Llama, Dom Mintoff?

See, I told you it was easy.