What comes to mind in a flash, as soon as the blue line on the pregnancy test shows a positive result? I would love to think the first reaction is thrill, positive thrill. A baby is such a wonderful gift to any parent. But who am I to suggest how a newly declared parent should feel? One needs to be in one's particular situation to understand why feelings and first reactions vary so much at the news of a new pregnancy.

Reactions vary, depending very much on each parent's attitude towards the particular situation. Usually, the first worries are not physical, those will come later, but first reactions are more of a psychological nature. "What kind of parent will I be?" A lot depends on other questions which need answering: Is this the first baby? What is the age of the mother? Too young? Too old? Does the baby have a home to be born into? How strong is the couple's relationship? How is the relationship with the parents' own mother and father? Do the parents have financial stability? What standard of education do the parents have? Where will support come from? Will this include emotional support in the true sense of the word?

Often, a pregnant mother and father, even after careful planning and waiting for the right time to have their first baby, will say that the news was still received with mixed feelings. Doubt and negative thoughts start creeping in: Was it the right decision? Was it the right time? Will the baby be healthy? Fear finds its way into a parent's mind from day one. If nurtured further, with still more negative thoughts, fear will escalate to high proportions causing misery and spoiling a parent's attitude towards the same pregnancy they were so much looking forward to.

Is this the second baby? How shall we cope? It is tiring enough with one, will two mean double the trouble? Will we be able to love both of them on the same level? Is there a possibility of our neglecting any one of them? Will we have to lower standards with the time we spend with them or with the quality of care and attention we provide for them? How will our children get on together?

Third baby? Will we afford it? What will friends say? Was it planned? How should we react to questions like these, which are sure to follow after we declare the news? What if this baby is the fourth or fifth?

When these first reactions die out, and are somehow accepted and settled, the next reaction is, what do we do now? There are so many things to decide, it may be a good idea to discuss the several basic issues that are useful to follow.

• Keeping regular visits to a midwife/doctor.
• Attending pregnancy classes.
• Finding positive support.
• Putting together necessary "baby" stuff.

Education of the body

First comes the mother's health. What is her condition? Has she been taking care of herself well before conception? Soon enough she will need to be taken care of by a professional carer. Fortunately, in a country like Malta, all mothers are able to see a midwife or a doctor as necessary on a regular basis throughout their pregnancy. This does not mean that a mother can now shift her responsibility to someone professional who knows best. The main responsibility still lies with her.

Education and support in this regard is adamant. She needs to know what harms her baby, and how she can look after herself for her own and for her baby's sake. A lot depends on her. She remains to be the primary carer of her baby. Her way of thinking and her lifestyle will greatly influence the outcome. No matter how much the state provides, education and support for the parent in different stages remains to be the number-one priority.

Nutrition and exercise are two areas where a lot depends on what a mother knows and on how much she is ready to abide by her educated knowledge. Eating well and doing the right kind of exercise need discipline and will power. The mother's support system provided by the people around her may greatly help or hinder the way she is encouraged to take the responsibility. This is one reason why the care provided by the state or otherwise should be more family-centred. Education and care based only on a monthly medical visit to the hospital or clinic is sadly not enough. Some mothers and their families need much more than that.

Education of the mind

Education for parenthood, in the true sense of the word, is not only giving or receiving biological information. This can easily be obtained from books, the internet, in a group or on a one-to-one basis by care-givers. Gossip and old-wives tales coming from different sources may not always be beneficial to a pregnant mother. Education of the mind includes the skill to know how to use the information we receive from all sources to our advantage, how we analyse what we absorb from our experiences and how we choose to use it. This is greatly influenced by our upbringing, often resulting in our becoming negative or positive thinkers. The good news is that the art of thinking can be learned. We may actually learn to choose what thoughts to nurture or discard. As all parents know, this is very important when living in a family and a community, most especially during pregnancy which is usually enshrouded by misconceptions, often turning a healthy pregnancy into an ailment. Ideally, this basic education for parenthood should be offered in schools, before students are sexually active and becoming a parent is physically possible.

Nesting instinct

At a point during the pregnancy the nesting instinct takes over, and the mother finds herself going into shops and needing to decide what to buy in preparation for the coming baby. Nowadays, this can prove to be rather expensive. What is really essential? What do we really need and what can we do without? Unfortunately, most mothers discover that they have bought too much only when they have their second or subsequent babies! I do not want to be a spoilsport because admittedly shopping for baby stuff can be real fun when one has a budget. There is also the possibility of receiving loads of almost new hand-down baby clothes and baby apparatus from other family members who are usually only too eager to hand them over!

The birth of a baby is a family event affecting each and every member in his/her own way. The change that comes with a baby is drastic and may result in shock if one is not well prepared. Family-centred care given around the birth of a baby takes a new dimension in supporting all members according to their needs at a time when it is most necessary. It is the best strategy to prevent unnecessary problems in the future.

• Through this article I will be discussing several aspects of parenting. It would be interesting to receive feedback from readers. Comments and suggestions are most welcome.

• Marianne Theuma is a qualified childbirth educator and school teacher. A mother of three children and a grandparent, she directs a school for parents, In the Family Way, based at Marsascala. The school offers courses and support for parents, covering various related subjects, from pregnancy to primary and early secondary school age.

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