Wonders never cease

There has been much speculation of late over the fact that we in Malta may have one or two candidates for "wonders of the world". I have heard Hagar Qim, Mnajdra, the Hypogeum etc... mentioned - and why not? But I might respectfully suggest that we might have more luck getting a few structures recognised in the list of "wonders of the modern world".

What do I mean? Well here follows a list of seven outstanding candidates for mind-boggling, nay totally stupefying structures that just have to qualify for consideration as wonders of the modern world:

1. The Portomaso Tower.

2. The amazing hanging building of St Paul's Bay.

3. The mysterious disembodied giant phallus on the Luqa roundabout.

4. The EVOL "sculpture" in Spinola Bay.

5. The Colossus of Rose.

6. The Great Pyramid of Maghtab.

7. The Lost City of Sliema.

The Portomaso Tower

An incredible architectural achievement that has constructed a vast varicose vein-blue edifice which disappears into the clouds. If it doesn't make it as one of the modern seven wonders of the world, then it will surely qualify as one of the uncontested greatest eyesores of this century.

The amazing hanging building of St Paul's Bay

Also known as Ic-Caqnu's Folly, this mind-boggling feat of engineering may look like some dreadful accident that threatens to deposit the hanging building down into the valley below. However, we are assured that it has nothing whatever to do with jerrybuilding, but everything to do with instant gratification and greed, whose greed... our contact was not in a position to speculate on.

The mysterious disembodied giant phallus on the Luqa roundabout

This is another extraordinary piece of art... or installation. Conjecture is rife on how this amazing erection came to dominate a roundabout on the outskirts of Luqa village. Some say it has a similar provenance to the enormous stone heads scattered around Easter Island. Others feel that it might well be a missing appendage of the long-lost Colossus of Rhodes. Still others feel that it is none of these things, but just a very inept attempt to distract the attention of passing female motorists and induce feelings of gross inadequacy in male drivers.

The EVOL "sculpture" in Spinola Bay

A correction here, it is sited to one side of Spinola Bay... not actually in the bay itself - worse luck. To be truthful, the only person who believes it qualifies as one of the wonders of the modern world is probably the "designer" of said abomination. I think we'll forget this one.

The Colossus of Rose

Nobody said any of the wonders had to be beautiful, and this is certainly not that. Straddling Mile-End Road, this vast characterless glass and steel monstrosity is said to have a vaguely political purpose, but this has never been established for certain. Its candidacy for a slot in the seven wonders stakes is possibly an appeasement move (Something the present movers and shakers know a great deal about... just look at the hunters).

The Great Pyramid of Maghtab

This vast sprawling mausoleum is a worthy contender for one of the premier wonders of the modern world. It is even said to be clearly visible from outer space. It is truly a fine example of man's ingenuity. Originally thought to have developed from a random arrangement of putrefying household detritus, it has recently been transformed into both a leisure centre and an important source of toxic gasses... even if to the untrained eye it still looks suspiciously like a random arrangement of putrefying household detritus.

The Lost City of Sliema

Originally a dormitory city across the water from Malta's capital city, containing many architectural gems and historic buildings. However, during the latter quarter of the 20th century the city of Sliema disappeared completely, to be replaced by an unchecked and haphazard high-rise concrete metropolis.

By the beginning of the 21st century the old city had completely vanished and... what is absolutely certain is the sad fact that the lost city of Sliema is indubitably and unequivocally lost forever.