Cheap and cheerful
Peugeot 107
I am going to try hard in the next two lines to conceal my delight. No, sod it, I can't: What great news it is that Malta won't be in this year's Eurovision Song Contest final.
Before I get hate mail from Olivia Lewis's fans, I should point out that I wouldn't recognise her if she walked by me in the street. I have never knowingly heard her song and wasn't aware of the semi-final result till I picked up the paper yesterday morning. She might be very good for all I know, so this is no reflection on her.
But my heart is filled with joy because it knows that this evening I won't have to pay my limited creative-thought processes overtime to work out how I can miss televised coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest. In Malta, it's about as unavoidable as the tax man. Unless of course, to continue with the analogy, you can afford a big yacht to get away from them all.
More important than that, however, is that the whole nation will be spared this farce too; three-hours-plus of mind-numbing talentlessness followed by the biggest voting scam you have ever seen. Being good has rarely, if ever, come into the equation. The recipe for success, in the most relative sense of the word, is being similar enough to, or communist enough for - Malta was making ground there for a while but failed sometime in the late 1980s - the other participants.
Then you win - unless you're Malta or Britain - cost your country a fortune to host it the next year during which, wait for it, you're invited to sing in desperate-to-win countries like, you've guessed it, Malta, and then fall back anonymously into the oblivion from which you came. Sounds about as attractive as haemorrhoids to me.
Yet for some reason it manages to captivate this great nation into a kind of nationalistic fervour the political parties can only dream of achieving. And it gives a host of post-menopausal men and women something to slag each other off about. As amusing as this parochial finger-pointing can become at times, it is an acute source of embarrassment, particularly if viewed from a lens that comes from the outside world.
So why do people like it? The only reason I can venture is that they like cheap and cheerful. Much as they want to think they're cultured, Prada-wearing individuals, their basic instinct draws them to the more crude form of entertainment and dress sense. Perhaps because it reminds them of themselves. And in the Big Brother culture we live in, we like that.
I can't help thinking that Peugeot had all these people in mind when it designed the 107. Well, truth be told, it wasn't just Peugeot. Toyota, in particular, and Citroen had a big hand in this project too, pooling resources to build a car in one of the countries that is capable of winning the Eurovision thanks to all its eastern friends. What emerged was three cars - the Aygo and C1 are the other two - that share the same engine and chassis, and then each brand adapted the body and interior to suit their customers' perceived tastes.
You'll smile when you see the 107 and it will smile back because it has a permanent grin on its front grille. And the smile won't go away when you sit in it either, since the seating position is incredibly good and much more comfortable than you'd expect. Seating for rear passengers is also pretty generous, while the car has a nice, thick steering wheel and the dash display is as clear as the sea around this island's shores.
The 107 may look like a Chihuahua - certainly size-wise there's no difference - but when you turn the engine on it sounds more like a Doberman, with a kind of gruff noise every time you put your foot down that's quite reassuring. It also runs faster than a Chihuahua, with its 68bhp (from the 1.0-litre petrol engine) belting out more than enough power to shuttle you round with considerable ease. And since it does 68 mpg, there is absolutely no need to spend Lm1,000 more to buy the diesel.
Getting in and out of parking spots is even easier than failing to make it big after winning the Eurovision, though seeing out of the rear side windows can be a bit tricky, and the way it bobs and weaves is ideal for city driving. However, the handling loses its sharpness as you pick up speed, though, given the tiny wheelbase, you will always manage to stay on the road.
Downsides: Although the dash is solid for a car of this nature, some of the other plastics are crude and the ride can get a bit bumpy, particularly on the six million roads around Malta that EU funding has not yet reached. You'll also struggle to get more than a shoebox into the boot, though if you murder the two hind passengers and dump them at the roadside the rear seats do come down to create a pretty respectable space.
At Lm5,150 for a car that includes a whole range of extras - including air-conditioning and remote control central locking - the 107 is certainly cheap. And with its funky styling it's also cheerful.
This all presents me with a bit of a problem. You see, I rather liked this car. Which could mean that I'll be wanting to watch the Eurovision Song Contest next year. And what's worse is that I will end up enjoying it.
The bare facts
Model: 1.0
Engine types: 1.0 petrol, 1.4 diesel
Power: 68bhp at 6,000rpm
Torque: 68lb ft at 3,6000 rpm
C02 rating: 109 (g/km)
Transmission: Five-speed manual/automatic
Fuel: 68 mpg (combined cycle)
Acceleration 0-60mph: 14.2 seconds
Price: From Lm5,150
For: Ideal city car
Against: Lacks refinement
Rating: 3 stars.
Before I get hate mail from Olivia Lewis's fans, I should point out that I wouldn't recognise her if she walked by me in the street. I have never knowingly heard her song and wasn't aware of the semi-final result till I picked up the paper yesterday morning. She might be very good for all I know, so this is no reflection on her.
But my heart is filled with joy because it knows that this evening I won't have to pay my limited creative-thought processes overtime to work out how I can miss televised coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest. In Malta, it's about as unavoidable as the tax man. Unless of course, to continue with the analogy, you can afford a big yacht to get away from them all.
More important than that, however, is that the whole nation will be spared this farce too; three-hours-plus of mind-numbing talentlessness followed by the biggest voting scam you have ever seen. Being good has rarely, if ever, come into the equation. The recipe for success, in the most relative sense of the word, is being similar enough to, or communist enough for - Malta was making ground there for a while but failed sometime in the late 1980s - the other participants.
Then you win - unless you're Malta or Britain - cost your country a fortune to host it the next year during which, wait for it, you're invited to sing in desperate-to-win countries like, you've guessed it, Malta, and then fall back anonymously into the oblivion from which you came. Sounds about as attractive as haemorrhoids to me.
Yet for some reason it manages to captivate this great nation into a kind of nationalistic fervour the political parties can only dream of achieving. And it gives a host of post-menopausal men and women something to slag each other off about. As amusing as this parochial finger-pointing can become at times, it is an acute source of embarrassment, particularly if viewed from a lens that comes from the outside world.
So why do people like it? The only reason I can venture is that they like cheap and cheerful. Much as they want to think they're cultured, Prada-wearing individuals, their basic instinct draws them to the more crude form of entertainment and dress sense. Perhaps because it reminds them of themselves. And in the Big Brother culture we live in, we like that.
I can't help thinking that Peugeot had all these people in mind when it designed the 107. Well, truth be told, it wasn't just Peugeot. Toyota, in particular, and Citroen had a big hand in this project too, pooling resources to build a car in one of the countries that is capable of winning the Eurovision thanks to all its eastern friends. What emerged was three cars - the Aygo and C1 are the other two - that share the same engine and chassis, and then each brand adapted the body and interior to suit their customers' perceived tastes.
You'll smile when you see the 107 and it will smile back because it has a permanent grin on its front grille. And the smile won't go away when you sit in it either, since the seating position is incredibly good and much more comfortable than you'd expect. Seating for rear passengers is also pretty generous, while the car has a nice, thick steering wheel and the dash display is as clear as the sea around this island's shores.
The 107 may look like a Chihuahua - certainly size-wise there's no difference - but when you turn the engine on it sounds more like a Doberman, with a kind of gruff noise every time you put your foot down that's quite reassuring. It also runs faster than a Chihuahua, with its 68bhp (from the 1.0-litre petrol engine) belting out more than enough power to shuttle you round with considerable ease. And since it does 68 mpg, there is absolutely no need to spend Lm1,000 more to buy the diesel.
Getting in and out of parking spots is even easier than failing to make it big after winning the Eurovision, though seeing out of the rear side windows can be a bit tricky, and the way it bobs and weaves is ideal for city driving. However, the handling loses its sharpness as you pick up speed, though, given the tiny wheelbase, you will always manage to stay on the road.
Downsides: Although the dash is solid for a car of this nature, some of the other plastics are crude and the ride can get a bit bumpy, particularly on the six million roads around Malta that EU funding has not yet reached. You'll also struggle to get more than a shoebox into the boot, though if you murder the two hind passengers and dump them at the roadside the rear seats do come down to create a pretty respectable space.
At Lm5,150 for a car that includes a whole range of extras - including air-conditioning and remote control central locking - the 107 is certainly cheap. And with its funky styling it's also cheerful.
This all presents me with a bit of a problem. You see, I rather liked this car. Which could mean that I'll be wanting to watch the Eurovision Song Contest next year. And what's worse is that I will end up enjoying it.
The bare facts
Model: 1.0
Engine types: 1.0 petrol, 1.4 diesel
Power: 68bhp at 6,000rpm
Torque: 68lb ft at 3,6000 rpm
C02 rating: 109 (g/km)
Transmission: Five-speed manual/automatic
Fuel: 68 mpg (combined cycle)
Acceleration 0-60mph: 14.2 seconds
Price: From Lm5,150
For: Ideal city car
Against: Lacks refinement
Rating: 3 stars.