Relationships - Good fathering
As promised last week, Charlie Azzopardi has more suggestions for fathers, this time in relation to young children and adolescents, as well as fathers who because of separation or otherwise live away from their children
The father's relationship with his young children is not automatic. As a father you should strive very hard to achieve a healthy relationship and there are many things you can do. You may take on a particular role in the family organising family trips and activities such as picnics, barbecues, walks, and so on. It is good to play with the children outdoors, as much as it is good to invite them to help you out in these chores. Children adore being involved in such activities, like bringing the wood for the fire, helping out with carrying things, serving food and so on.
As a father get involved in helping your child prepare for the outside world. Help in social skills is essential for children and you are the best person to teach them these skills. Some very important studies carried out in the UK show that pre-schoolers who had spent more time playing with their dads were found to be more sociable when they entered nursery school. Playing with your young children is a preparation for later activities too.
Because fathers are different from mothers they are likely to teach their children different things. For example because dads are likely to use more complicated language with their children they are likely to stretch and expand the children's language developing repertoire. Fathers also tend to play rough and get more physical during play than mothers often do. This rough play is an important metaphor for children, and apart from its impact on the development of trust, it also eventually helps them get through tough times in the future by building endurance and resilience.
Fathers and older children
There are many benefits for children whose father makes time and effort to guide and inform them, especially at the transitory time of pre-adolescence/adolescence. Involving yourself with your child at this stage will promote a positive child perception of oneself. Adolescents with involved fathers often think of themselves as productive, industrious, and caring members of society.
Be kind to your child. Express a lot of care and warmth especially during hard times. Be open to hear their opinions and accept them and their individuality. These paternal behaviours have been noted to be involved in children's success at school and academic achievement.
If you get involved in their learning, do it in a way that is suitable to them and not to you. Just keep in mind that a father's involvement in children's schooling improves the child's eventual achievement. So make sure you get involved by helping them with their homework. Discuss this with your wife so that she can let go a bit of this responsibility. Ask the children whether they need anything to support them in their studies. Show interest in what they are doing at school and praise their achievements to show them that you are proud of them. Praise them in front of others as well. The more they achieve in school the less likely they are to engage in criminal behaviour later on in life.
Avoid judgement and criticisms. This only helps to push your children away and create barriers. Sarcasm does the same thing, as at this stage in their life children become very sensitive to criticism. They start taking it personally and find it difficult to take it as a joke. If you need to criticise them for some reason, do it constructively. Constructive criticism is akin to positive reinforcement. It is done to reinforce before what you want to see more of while ignoring or minimally mentioning, negative behaviour.
Other ways analogous to good fathering are many. Make sure you share some talk everyday. It may be about some hobby you have in common with your child, for example football. Or a topic of interest to both, like computing, or TV programmes. You can also talk about a nice book or share ideas about articles on magazines you both read.
Show great interest in what they do. If they love computer games, make sure you spend some time asking them about the games. Sit down and try them yourself to see how it feels. Play and compete with them. Watch their preferred programme on TV so that you can understand them better and create opportunities to constructively discuss things with them. Go for a bike ride together, or a nice walk where they prefer. Sharing these things with them is a great opportunity for intimacy.
Playing the taxi driver is another opportunity for spending some time with them. Try to start conversations before they plug the MP3 player headphones into their ears. Lower the music volume and turn off the news - it's boring for them. Low music can be a stimulus for discussion about music, singers and bands they like. It's good to know what their interests are. Adolescence is quite a delicate moment though and you needn't expect too much contact. Encourage them to share their music with you while you're driving them around for example. Songs' lyrics can be a very good way of understanding what your children are going through.
Fatherhood can also take the form of providing your children with fun. Share humour with them and have a laugh together. This will definitely help the relationship. Make humour part of your daily relationship. Crack a joke every now and again, or recount funny stories you know about or you have gone through yourself. Children at this age love it when dads recount their childhood memories.
Non-resident fathers
Without knowing it, you still have a strong presence in your child's life. Just because you don't live with them doesn't mean you cannot involve yourself in their life. You still have an important function in the child's life. And "being there" by helping with homework, attending parents' days, and taking part in his or her activities remains paramount.
Rather than competing with your spouse, perhaps out of spite or jealousy, remember that children have nothing to do with your separation. So be ready to provide alternative care when the need arises. This is a way that reassures the children of your availability. Most research shows that children who fare best after divorce are those who see their fathers most often. Remember that a good father-child relationship often reflects a harmonious relationship between parents, even though separated or divorced. Remember that you can stop being husband and wife but you will never stop being parents.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
As a father get involved in helping your child prepare for the outside world. Help in social skills is essential for children and you are the best person to teach them these skills. Some very important studies carried out in the UK show that pre-schoolers who had spent more time playing with their dads were found to be more sociable when they entered nursery school. Playing with your young children is a preparation for later activities too.
Because fathers are different from mothers they are likely to teach their children different things. For example because dads are likely to use more complicated language with their children they are likely to stretch and expand the children's language developing repertoire. Fathers also tend to play rough and get more physical during play than mothers often do. This rough play is an important metaphor for children, and apart from its impact on the development of trust, it also eventually helps them get through tough times in the future by building endurance and resilience.
Fathers and older children
There are many benefits for children whose father makes time and effort to guide and inform them, especially at the transitory time of pre-adolescence/adolescence. Involving yourself with your child at this stage will promote a positive child perception of oneself. Adolescents with involved fathers often think of themselves as productive, industrious, and caring members of society.
Be kind to your child. Express a lot of care and warmth especially during hard times. Be open to hear their opinions and accept them and their individuality. These paternal behaviours have been noted to be involved in children's success at school and academic achievement.
If you get involved in their learning, do it in a way that is suitable to them and not to you. Just keep in mind that a father's involvement in children's schooling improves the child's eventual achievement. So make sure you get involved by helping them with their homework. Discuss this with your wife so that she can let go a bit of this responsibility. Ask the children whether they need anything to support them in their studies. Show interest in what they are doing at school and praise their achievements to show them that you are proud of them. Praise them in front of others as well. The more they achieve in school the less likely they are to engage in criminal behaviour later on in life.
Avoid judgement and criticisms. This only helps to push your children away and create barriers. Sarcasm does the same thing, as at this stage in their life children become very sensitive to criticism. They start taking it personally and find it difficult to take it as a joke. If you need to criticise them for some reason, do it constructively. Constructive criticism is akin to positive reinforcement. It is done to reinforce before what you want to see more of while ignoring or minimally mentioning, negative behaviour.
Other ways analogous to good fathering are many. Make sure you share some talk everyday. It may be about some hobby you have in common with your child, for example football. Or a topic of interest to both, like computing, or TV programmes. You can also talk about a nice book or share ideas about articles on magazines you both read.
Show great interest in what they do. If they love computer games, make sure you spend some time asking them about the games. Sit down and try them yourself to see how it feels. Play and compete with them. Watch their preferred programme on TV so that you can understand them better and create opportunities to constructively discuss things with them. Go for a bike ride together, or a nice walk where they prefer. Sharing these things with them is a great opportunity for intimacy.
Playing the taxi driver is another opportunity for spending some time with them. Try to start conversations before they plug the MP3 player headphones into their ears. Lower the music volume and turn off the news - it's boring for them. Low music can be a stimulus for discussion about music, singers and bands they like. It's good to know what their interests are. Adolescence is quite a delicate moment though and you needn't expect too much contact. Encourage them to share their music with you while you're driving them around for example. Songs' lyrics can be a very good way of understanding what your children are going through.
Fatherhood can also take the form of providing your children with fun. Share humour with them and have a laugh together. This will definitely help the relationship. Make humour part of your daily relationship. Crack a joke every now and again, or recount funny stories you know about or you have gone through yourself. Children at this age love it when dads recount their childhood memories.
Non-resident fathers
Without knowing it, you still have a strong presence in your child's life. Just because you don't live with them doesn't mean you cannot involve yourself in their life. You still have an important function in the child's life. And "being there" by helping with homework, attending parents' days, and taking part in his or her activities remains paramount.
Rather than competing with your spouse, perhaps out of spite or jealousy, remember that children have nothing to do with your separation. So be ready to provide alternative care when the need arises. This is a way that reassures the children of your availability. Most research shows that children who fare best after divorce are those who see their fathers most often. Remember that a good father-child relationship often reflects a harmonious relationship between parents, even though separated or divorced. Remember that you can stop being husband and wife but you will never stop being parents.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.