Off the menu
THE BEDROOM SECRETS OF THE MASTER CHEFS<br>by Irvine Welsh<br>Jonathan Cape pp391, ISBN-13: 022407587X
They say fizzy drinks rot your teeth. But I could show you a barman who, in the case that you are foolish enough to publicly disagree with his political views, would subject your teeth to more damage before you could mumble a peace offering of, "have a drink on me."
Irvine Welsh is the master observer of such characters. In Trainspotting, Ecstasy, Porno and most of his novels, the Scottish author outlined then proceeded to colour-in and bring alive predators and victims whose rough, threateningly violent lives are spent circling each other through the dark dens of Edinburgh.
The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs, which is also the title of a book-within-a-book written by one of the characters, celebrity chef Alan de Fretais, offers the same line-up of perverse characters. And the perfectly described moments of drunkenness; sweaty abandon to drugs and shabby hang-overs are still there. Yet the first hint that something has changed is in the title itself which, unlike the terse offerings of previous novels, is one of Mr Welsh's longest.
In the past years, Mr Welsh has been taking new directions. First there was his foray into directing, with the video for Atlantic from Keane's album, Under the Iron Sea. Secondly, the story behind The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs is indicative because, while writing the novel, Mr Welsh suffered temporary hearing problems. This meant that he could not listen to music, as he usually does as an inspiration to create his characters. So he had to take a more traditional approach, which involved going back to his literary influences and old classics, such as Stevenson's Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Grey and Jogg's The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner.
The result is quite disappointing. The story follows Danny Skinner, a witty, slick restaurant inspector for the Edinburgh council who spends his free time reading Schopenhauer or wasting himself on drink and drug binges, fuelled by his resentment at his ex-punk mum's refusal to tell him who his father is.
Skinner's anger soon finds an outlet in Brian Kibby, the new health inspector whose virginity and pursuits, including model railways, Star Trek conventions and walks with a group called the Hyp Hykers, soon make him Danny's nemesis. The two find themselves competing for the same promotion, and Danny's hatred of Kibby reaches demonic heights, resulting in a hex where Kibby is burdened with all the physical consequences of Skinner's excess. The predator and prey become inextricably linked - while Kibby mysteriously develops bruises from football matches he never played and liver cirrhosis without having ever had a drink in his life, Skinner goes from strength to strength, until he realises that if he kills Kibby, then he would be literally left without a scapegoat. The final act of revenge is baroque in stature, an Armageddon of human duality that sees Kibby unleashing his dark side.
The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs may be a master, but is no commander. Mr Welsh's inventiveness is still there, as the first ever murder by grand piano in literature attests. Yet there is nothing of Mr Welsh's usual urgency and black humour laughs are too few and far in between. Some of the writing is cranky, the imagery forced and characters speak in received pronunciation, leaving the reader feeling that something in Welsh's recipe is not quite right.
• Mr Borg writes. Otherwise, his life is not something you would want to write home about. In fact, it is not something you would want to write anywhere about.
Irvine Welsh is the master observer of such characters. In Trainspotting, Ecstasy, Porno and most of his novels, the Scottish author outlined then proceeded to colour-in and bring alive predators and victims whose rough, threateningly violent lives are spent circling each other through the dark dens of Edinburgh.
The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs, which is also the title of a book-within-a-book written by one of the characters, celebrity chef Alan de Fretais, offers the same line-up of perverse characters. And the perfectly described moments of drunkenness; sweaty abandon to drugs and shabby hang-overs are still there. Yet the first hint that something has changed is in the title itself which, unlike the terse offerings of previous novels, is one of Mr Welsh's longest.
In the past years, Mr Welsh has been taking new directions. First there was his foray into directing, with the video for Atlantic from Keane's album, Under the Iron Sea. Secondly, the story behind The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs is indicative because, while writing the novel, Mr Welsh suffered temporary hearing problems. This meant that he could not listen to music, as he usually does as an inspiration to create his characters. So he had to take a more traditional approach, which involved going back to his literary influences and old classics, such as Stevenson's Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Grey and Jogg's The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner.
The result is quite disappointing. The story follows Danny Skinner, a witty, slick restaurant inspector for the Edinburgh council who spends his free time reading Schopenhauer or wasting himself on drink and drug binges, fuelled by his resentment at his ex-punk mum's refusal to tell him who his father is.
Skinner's anger soon finds an outlet in Brian Kibby, the new health inspector whose virginity and pursuits, including model railways, Star Trek conventions and walks with a group called the Hyp Hykers, soon make him Danny's nemesis. The two find themselves competing for the same promotion, and Danny's hatred of Kibby reaches demonic heights, resulting in a hex where Kibby is burdened with all the physical consequences of Skinner's excess. The predator and prey become inextricably linked - while Kibby mysteriously develops bruises from football matches he never played and liver cirrhosis without having ever had a drink in his life, Skinner goes from strength to strength, until he realises that if he kills Kibby, then he would be literally left without a scapegoat. The final act of revenge is baroque in stature, an Armageddon of human duality that sees Kibby unleashing his dark side.
The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs may be a master, but is no commander. Mr Welsh's inventiveness is still there, as the first ever murder by grand piano in literature attests. Yet there is nothing of Mr Welsh's usual urgency and black humour laughs are too few and far in between. Some of the writing is cranky, the imagery forced and characters speak in received pronunciation, leaving the reader feeling that something in Welsh's recipe is not quite right.
• Mr Borg writes. Otherwise, his life is not something you would want to write home about. In fact, it is not something you would want to write anywhere about.