Relationships - Traditional vs emancipated
Because of the emancipation of gender roles, if children are reared in traditional families they will possibly find it difficult eventually to adjust to an equally shared household.
General belief has it that fathers are absent from families. While it is true that many fathers hardly involve themselves in family life it is also true that many dads are increasingly involving themselves in the rearing of children and family life.
There are a number of issues to be raised before proceeding. First, there's the need for a clear understanding of the role of the father. This is very difficult to achieve as conceptions about fatherhood are rapidly shifting. The complexity increases as one asks about who is involved in setting the agenda for the shift in the conceptualisation of fatherhood, the concept of gender equality, and so on. If the definition of manhood and fatherhood is being designed on women's current need for further emancipation, that is one thing. If it is being designed by men, that is another story. If the definition is the result of a collaborative effort between the genders, the outcome would be completely different.
Unfortunately, the scene of gender equality is dominated by women. Underlying is the assumption that only women need emancipation and therefore only women know what type of man is emancipated or not emancipated. The development of the new conceptualisation of manhood and fatherhood is being drawn to suit women's needs, ideals and expectations. This strongly contradicts the feminists' perspectives dissuading "othering", which means speaking from someone else's perspective.
The other assumption is that fathers have always been absent. This is untrue. Fathers have always been active in family life albeit in different ways.
The problem was, and still is in many ways, that the roles of fatherhood and motherhood are exclusive and polarised. This means that fathers and mothers are expected to perform different roles as a form of collaboration. What should be aimed at is a more functional way of gender collaboration between the sexes, so that they adapt to the new variations in employment patterns. It's the market again that dictates family life. How right Marx was!
We are halfway through a process of rediscovering and reinventing what fathers are all about in the family. The first big realisation is that both fathers and mothers are important for the well-being of the children. From this perspective men would need further emancipation and would be provided with more chances to develop their parenting skills and thus find new ways to bond with their children.
Many mothers feel the same way - that is torn between career and family life. And this is a sign that men and women, in practice led by the market forces of the economy, are being drawn towards the common ground of insecurity.
Many men for example enjoy having a close relationship with their children. The problem is that they get very troubling and confusing messages about masculinity and fatherhood. Many fathers confess to me how they would love to hug their children for example, but few dare to break the masculine code of strength. Today's fathers have to learn afresh since their role models, their own fathers, upheld traditional gender roles and failed to offer them the behaviour we now expect them to perform.
Therefore fathers need a clearer understanding of what fatherhood entails. They only need to let go of the barriers of traditional masculinity and to listen to their deprived child within.
They need to be encouraged to free themselves from the chains of traditional myths about authority and strength, command and power, and embrace their emerging appreciation of the affective side of the selfhood. This doesn't only entail men's effort at getting connected to their wife and children in a different way, but also women's effort at letting go of their traditional role aspects, which they find most dear.
The arising implications are myriad and involve and equally traumatise women's emancipation. This entails a breaking from myths like "mother instinct" and accept that their male counterparts can also experience the father instinct. Because women have had role models like men did, they were trained to undermine aspects of themselves and promote others. They too therefore need to develop into more androgynous humans, thus breaking through the barriers of gender role stereotypes.
However, in this delicate period when family life is going through fundamental and complex changes, it is important to stand back a bit from the feelings and to look at what good fathering involves and what it gives to children. It is important that a redefinition of fatherhood be gleaned from the evidence, not the stereotypes or the feelings.
Fatherhood itself is a time of redefinition, this time of oneself. Fathering is an unequalled challenge to one's idea about oneself. Fathering stimulates the man for a revision of one's own childhood experience with one's own father and invites self reflection, at times very deep and emotionally pregnant.
It is an opportunity for the masculine self enrichment, for the abandonment of fears and an invitation for men to risk the leap into an everlasting intimate bond with one's children and one's partner.
Don't be disheartened by the sudden and often shocking increasing sense of responsibility. The birth of the baby is simply your royal road for self knowledge.
The roles parents adopt may influence the children's eventual gender identity. But please be aware that children don't only absorb from their parents. One child, on seeing his father doing the washing up, asked his father "why doesn't wash up?" Both the extended family and wider culture influence children's developing gender role consciousness. It is common for children to uphold conservative views about adult gender roles and this is so even in families where the parents have reversed traditional roles. The problem is that because of the emancipation of gender roles, if children are reared in traditional families these will possibly find it difficult eventually to adjust to an equally shared household.
Next week I will write about how many myths are beaten by scientific research and suggest ways about how fathers can become increasingly and equally involved in family life.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
There are a number of issues to be raised before proceeding. First, there's the need for a clear understanding of the role of the father. This is very difficult to achieve as conceptions about fatherhood are rapidly shifting. The complexity increases as one asks about who is involved in setting the agenda for the shift in the conceptualisation of fatherhood, the concept of gender equality, and so on. If the definition of manhood and fatherhood is being designed on women's current need for further emancipation, that is one thing. If it is being designed by men, that is another story. If the definition is the result of a collaborative effort between the genders, the outcome would be completely different.
Unfortunately, the scene of gender equality is dominated by women. Underlying is the assumption that only women need emancipation and therefore only women know what type of man is emancipated or not emancipated. The development of the new conceptualisation of manhood and fatherhood is being drawn to suit women's needs, ideals and expectations. This strongly contradicts the feminists' perspectives dissuading "othering", which means speaking from someone else's perspective.
The other assumption is that fathers have always been absent. This is untrue. Fathers have always been active in family life albeit in different ways.
The problem was, and still is in many ways, that the roles of fatherhood and motherhood are exclusive and polarised. This means that fathers and mothers are expected to perform different roles as a form of collaboration. What should be aimed at is a more functional way of gender collaboration between the sexes, so that they adapt to the new variations in employment patterns. It's the market again that dictates family life. How right Marx was!
We are halfway through a process of rediscovering and reinventing what fathers are all about in the family. The first big realisation is that both fathers and mothers are important for the well-being of the children. From this perspective men would need further emancipation and would be provided with more chances to develop their parenting skills and thus find new ways to bond with their children.
Many mothers feel the same way - that is torn between career and family life. And this is a sign that men and women, in practice led by the market forces of the economy, are being drawn towards the common ground of insecurity.
Many men for example enjoy having a close relationship with their children. The problem is that they get very troubling and confusing messages about masculinity and fatherhood. Many fathers confess to me how they would love to hug their children for example, but few dare to break the masculine code of strength. Today's fathers have to learn afresh since their role models, their own fathers, upheld traditional gender roles and failed to offer them the behaviour we now expect them to perform.
Therefore fathers need a clearer understanding of what fatherhood entails. They only need to let go of the barriers of traditional masculinity and to listen to their deprived child within.
They need to be encouraged to free themselves from the chains of traditional myths about authority and strength, command and power, and embrace their emerging appreciation of the affective side of the selfhood. This doesn't only entail men's effort at getting connected to their wife and children in a different way, but also women's effort at letting go of their traditional role aspects, which they find most dear.
The arising implications are myriad and involve and equally traumatise women's emancipation. This entails a breaking from myths like "mother instinct" and accept that their male counterparts can also experience the father instinct. Because women have had role models like men did, they were trained to undermine aspects of themselves and promote others. They too therefore need to develop into more androgynous humans, thus breaking through the barriers of gender role stereotypes.
However, in this delicate period when family life is going through fundamental and complex changes, it is important to stand back a bit from the feelings and to look at what good fathering involves and what it gives to children. It is important that a redefinition of fatherhood be gleaned from the evidence, not the stereotypes or the feelings.
Fatherhood itself is a time of redefinition, this time of oneself. Fathering is an unequalled challenge to one's idea about oneself. Fathering stimulates the man for a revision of one's own childhood experience with one's own father and invites self reflection, at times very deep and emotionally pregnant.
It is an opportunity for the masculine self enrichment, for the abandonment of fears and an invitation for men to risk the leap into an everlasting intimate bond with one's children and one's partner.
Don't be disheartened by the sudden and often shocking increasing sense of responsibility. The birth of the baby is simply your royal road for self knowledge.
The roles parents adopt may influence the children's eventual gender identity. But please be aware that children don't only absorb from their parents. One child, on seeing his father doing the washing up, asked his father "why doesn't wash up?" Both the extended family and wider culture influence children's developing gender role consciousness. It is common for children to uphold conservative views about adult gender roles and this is so even in families where the parents have reversed traditional roles. The problem is that because of the emancipation of gender roles, if children are reared in traditional families these will possibly find it difficult eventually to adjust to an equally shared household.
Next week I will write about how many myths are beaten by scientific research and suggest ways about how fathers can become increasingly and equally involved in family life.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.