I am not sure if it's because I'm getting old or if it's true that people are less inhibited nowadays. Just vision this scene. At the University of Malta, on campus, couples sitting on books placed on the cold stone low walls to keep bottoms warm. Well, his bottom. The young men hold their young women on their lap. They are embraced in a passionate kiss, smooching, caressing each other.
Passing by the couples I thought to myself: is this modern youth or is it only a category of people who are able to express themselves so openly without much inhibition? I looked back to my old days (not so old really) and remembered how my friends used to tease me because I would hold my girlfriend's hand in public. You can't imagine how silly, unromantic, tough looking males look at you when a man expresses a bit of romanticism.
Some might disagree of course, but I am all out in support of men expressing their love in a romantic way, especially in public. Why not? I have seen too many women complaining about their husband's apparent coldness. Too many women frustrated and disappointed because their husband doesn't know how to touch, to smooch, to embrace, and to show any signs of romantic behaviour.
Age can obviously be inhibiting, but I doubt it. Some people say it's after the wedding that their man changed. Others say it's after the children arrived. Whatever the timing, many men need to train or retrain themselves in expressing their care in an understandable way.
Not that they did it wrongly, mind you. Only that the way men learned to express their love and care, and the way they expressed it until now, has become obsolete. Seeing the young smooching makes me hope that the trend will change and that men learn to be a bit more romantic with their partners.
For those who don't know what being romantic is, I suggest they ask their partner about it. Here is one simple question that needs to be asked: "How is it you want me to love you so that you can understand my behaviour as love?" The reason I am saying this is that there are as many versions of romanticism, as there are people in the world. Even those who are not romantic have a view about romanticism, obviously not a pleasant one.
Mind you, your woman might not be complaining now, at this point in time. But she will eventually definitely complain about your lack of presence and expression of care. Women seem to be tuned in such a way that makes them feel as if care and love are one. Men, on the other hand, are tuned so as to feel that love and sex are one.
My demand to push men to shift their style of relating to accommodate that of their wives and partners may seem unfair. And in fact it is unfair and one sided. Obviously women also need to accommodate men's loving demands. But time is such that gender is being constructed in a way that women's demands are a priority and that men are monsters who abuse their cultural power assigned to them by a masculine tradition.
The point remains that men are far behind the advances women made in society. This is also shown by local research on values carried out by the late Anton Abela. If we continue to think about gender equality in terms of pushing women's needs to the fore we will eventually find ourselves with advanced women and obsolete men. The consequences are definitely devastating and impact mostly family and family life.
As a family therapist, the toughest problems I encounter in relationships surround exactly this theme albeit at a micro level. The typical situation is that of a woman who feels she has emotionally, intellectually, or otherwise emancipated out of the relationship, and a husband somehow struggling breathlessly to understand the shift his partner made and limping behind her, obviously in the old way, to make her understand that he's still in love. But it's not that kind of love she wants.
The complexity of this situation is such that gender implications are only one of the sides of the multifaceted coin. Both partners are in need of support and emancipation. What is happening is not their fault at all. Both need to understand the inevitable forces of change and the forces of the culture-setting bodies, political agendas, economic demands, and the infinite number of other contextual pressures couples are exposed to. Men in particular need a lot of support in shifting their efforts from the traditional ones of breadwinning and protection into ones that fit current cultural trends. They need to be encouraged to learn to provide care and affection in a direct way rather than through the provision of money. They need to learn to behave romantically towards their wife rather than be protective and paternal. They need to learn to give their children the space they need to fulfil themselves, rather than dictate their values on them and create inhibiting and paralysing fear.
Don't despair though. A lot of men are already doing more than their forefathers did. Many men engage in household activities and many more share the care of their babies and children. Not enough though. Men are not receiving the necessary support they deserve to emancipate into more androgynous beings. I can't stand men who tell me "you know what we men are like..." My reply is often "Then, I am not a man". In the same way I can't stand women who only criticise their limping husband, or men in general, rather than supporting them in becoming full men; full men who are incorporating gender aspects traditionally assigned to women like provision of care, romanticism, expression of affection and so on.
As I walk through the campus and see these young couples, I feel encouraged that one day we'd all be living in a world where gender equality prevails. Where genders support each other, and where men and women don't come from different universes.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist
Passing by the couples I thought to myself: is this modern youth or is it only a category of people who are able to express themselves so openly without much inhibition? I looked back to my old days (not so old really) and remembered how my friends used to tease me because I would hold my girlfriend's hand in public. You can't imagine how silly, unromantic, tough looking males look at you when a man expresses a bit of romanticism.
Some might disagree of course, but I am all out in support of men expressing their love in a romantic way, especially in public. Why not? I have seen too many women complaining about their husband's apparent coldness. Too many women frustrated and disappointed because their husband doesn't know how to touch, to smooch, to embrace, and to show any signs of romantic behaviour.
Age can obviously be inhibiting, but I doubt it. Some people say it's after the wedding that their man changed. Others say it's after the children arrived. Whatever the timing, many men need to train or retrain themselves in expressing their care in an understandable way.
Not that they did it wrongly, mind you. Only that the way men learned to express their love and care, and the way they expressed it until now, has become obsolete. Seeing the young smooching makes me hope that the trend will change and that men learn to be a bit more romantic with their partners.
For those who don't know what being romantic is, I suggest they ask their partner about it. Here is one simple question that needs to be asked: "How is it you want me to love you so that you can understand my behaviour as love?" The reason I am saying this is that there are as many versions of romanticism, as there are people in the world. Even those who are not romantic have a view about romanticism, obviously not a pleasant one.
Mind you, your woman might not be complaining now, at this point in time. But she will eventually definitely complain about your lack of presence and expression of care. Women seem to be tuned in such a way that makes them feel as if care and love are one. Men, on the other hand, are tuned so as to feel that love and sex are one.
My demand to push men to shift their style of relating to accommodate that of their wives and partners may seem unfair. And in fact it is unfair and one sided. Obviously women also need to accommodate men's loving demands. But time is such that gender is being constructed in a way that women's demands are a priority and that men are monsters who abuse their cultural power assigned to them by a masculine tradition.
The point remains that men are far behind the advances women made in society. This is also shown by local research on values carried out by the late Anton Abela. If we continue to think about gender equality in terms of pushing women's needs to the fore we will eventually find ourselves with advanced women and obsolete men. The consequences are definitely devastating and impact mostly family and family life.
As a family therapist, the toughest problems I encounter in relationships surround exactly this theme albeit at a micro level. The typical situation is that of a woman who feels she has emotionally, intellectually, or otherwise emancipated out of the relationship, and a husband somehow struggling breathlessly to understand the shift his partner made and limping behind her, obviously in the old way, to make her understand that he's still in love. But it's not that kind of love she wants.
The complexity of this situation is such that gender implications are only one of the sides of the multifaceted coin. Both partners are in need of support and emancipation. What is happening is not their fault at all. Both need to understand the inevitable forces of change and the forces of the culture-setting bodies, political agendas, economic demands, and the infinite number of other contextual pressures couples are exposed to. Men in particular need a lot of support in shifting their efforts from the traditional ones of breadwinning and protection into ones that fit current cultural trends. They need to be encouraged to learn to provide care and affection in a direct way rather than through the provision of money. They need to learn to behave romantically towards their wife rather than be protective and paternal. They need to learn to give their children the space they need to fulfil themselves, rather than dictate their values on them and create inhibiting and paralysing fear.
Don't despair though. A lot of men are already doing more than their forefathers did. Many men engage in household activities and many more share the care of their babies and children. Not enough though. Men are not receiving the necessary support they deserve to emancipate into more androgynous beings. I can't stand men who tell me "you know what we men are like..." My reply is often "Then, I am not a man". In the same way I can't stand women who only criticise their limping husband, or men in general, rather than supporting them in becoming full men; full men who are incorporating gender aspects traditionally assigned to women like provision of care, romanticism, expression of affection and so on.
As I walk through the campus and see these young couples, I feel encouraged that one day we'd all be living in a world where gender equality prevails. Where genders support each other, and where men and women don't come from different universes.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist