In previous articles we discussed the role and responsibilities of the mother, the father and the grandparents during pregnancy. All family members are very important contributors to a child's life, each in their own way. The mother of course, is the most significant person.

Realistically, a menstruating female at whatever age is physically capable of conceiving a child. In the human species, more than just a body to contain a baby is necessary for motherhood to have proper meaning. To reach the best of standards in parenting, a holistic approach towards being emotionally, psychologically and socially ready is vital to becoming a mother in the true sense of the word. This is a specialised area of a woman's pregnant state and needs to be treated accordingly.

Until relatively recently, a girl's role in life was to help her own mother with raising the family and perhaps give what was left of her time helping other mothers in the family or neighbourhood. Apprenticeship involved mostly running errands and housework. When showing enough responsibility, she would also be delegated with babysitting the children, in so doing getting practice in changing and perhaps washing nappies, feeding, entertaining and putting babies to sleep. As she became efficient and more confident in the job, she would start having dreams of running a home and a family of her own. At 15 or so, she was expected to be ready for motherhood. We quote our own grandparents who got married as young as 16, 18 or so and even find it acceptable to read bible stories of youngsters at 15 or less becoming mothers.

A girl's body has retained its features over the years. We may even find that girls are often menstruating relatively earlier, sometimes even before their teens. This is sometimes attributed to better nutrition or perhaps for the more sceptic, too many hormones in the food we eat! With changes in lifestyle and education taking another form, it has become socially inappropriate for an "educated" young woman, to think of becoming a mother before she has reaped the financial rewards of her schooling by spending years in her money-earning career. In practice, this has become a need as we consider and accept today's financial burden in getting one's "nest" ready for a family. Other social aspects include the modern idea of missing out in life, if one does not choose to spend teenage years having fun, including sexually, sometimes irresponsibly in many ways. Parenthood and the responsibility that comes with it, is never considered a priority within the planning of one's future at such an early age. It should wait, says the mind, but alas, very often, not the body! In spite of all the sex education being offered nowadays, babies are constantly being born to teenage parents, with all the overall difficulties that this brings with it.

There are more than natural physical urges that drive a fertile teenager to be sexually active. This practice, often results in a pregnancy happening too soon, by our society's standards. Ignorance of the subject, lack of self-esteem, the need to conform with peers and sometimes lack of good communication with own parents are only a few factors that may contribute to the psychology behind teenage pregnancy. When dealing with a pregnancy happening too early, attention must be given to these and other psychological factors, apart from the physical and organisational side of having the baby. Both parents in their teens need their own specialised care. The young father shares a lot of the same initial reactions as the young mother, mostly mixed feelings of pride, maturity, fear, denial, among others. Unlike the mother, he has the luxury of choosing whether he wants to be involved or not. A lot depends on the relationship of the couple and perhaps the families involved.

Parents of pregnant teens have their own way of dealing with the news. Grandparents too soon, they may initially be shocked, angry and hurt. They may feel guilty and wonder if they have somehow been at fault with their parenting. Happily, most parents show genuine concern for the well-being of their daughters and sons and a sincere desire to be supportive. It is important to recognise that these parents' concerns must be addressed just as much. It may be difficult for them to adjust to a different way of life they had not participated in choosing, especially if they had other plans in mind for their own future. Yet, they will always be the best persons to offer the support the teenage parents will need to rely on, until they are ready to become independent, which will certainly take a number of years.

There are skills that the new grandparents need to acquire when dealing with caring for a pregnant teenage mother or father. How much and what kind of help should be offered when the new mother comes home with the baby? What is the fine line between offering enough help when it is necessary or taking completely over? How much giving is too much? Doing more than one's best and more than is necessary could be an over-reaction of the grandparent to make up for guilt feelings of showing discontentment when hearing the news about the baby. A grandmother may want to prove that she is the one to have experience with babies, and now is the time to show her daughter - and the world - what a good mother she is and always has been.

There are at least two reasons why the baby's own mother, albeit too young, rather than the grandparent or someone else, should care for the baby during the first crucial weeks. The first is that this is a critical time for bonding between the baby and his mother. The baby may become confused which woman is his real mother. While the new young mother definitely needs help, at the same time it is important for her to interact as much as possible with the baby. Feeding baby - ideally breastfeeding, changing nappies, giving a bath and putting the baby to sleep are basic skills which help the young mother develop her self-esteem and obtain the feeling of being capable as a parent. Nobody should rob her of the experience. This will affect her relationship with the child as they both grow together, as parent and child and not as siblings.

A second reason for grandparents not to do too much with the new baby is their own comfort. Turning into martyrs will help no-one. Not doing night duties, for example will help the grandparent get the energy she/he will need for the next day, when she/he may be able to look after the baby while the mother gets a well-deserved nap during the day to make up for loss of sleep. By not making an appearance in the daughter's bedroom in the middle of the night, the grandparent transmits the message to the young parent that she is capable, and will not need rescuing every time the baby cries.

Whether the grandparent works outside the home or not, adjusting to a new way of life with the added stress of another family living in the same house, may not be easy. Grandma, and sometimes grandpa too, will need to come to terms with the changes, and she definitely will need support herself. She needs to discuss whether it is worth quitting her job or other interests she may have. Is the young parent to resume her schooling or her job? Who will shoulder the financial burden that comes with a new baby? Who will be responsible for cleaning the house, doing the laundry and cooking? Whose responsibility will it be to babysit on weekend evenings? Now that a new baby will be constantly around, adjustments to the house will have to be made. Grandma and grandpa, for that matter, will need to get used to having breakable or dangerous things stored away, gates fixed to staircases and have baby stuff, such as a playpen, pram and toys, all over their house. Will they take it as constant trespassing on their private life, or accept it as a new way of life? What about other members of the family living in the same house, now "qualified" uncles and aunts? How will they be affected?

It is crucial that all the persons involved in teenage parenthood come to some kind of agreement, some kind of terms where everyone can live happily without constant conflict, where one needs to give a little and take a little. Communication has to be constantly kept up not just for the first few weeks, but also when things settle down and life becomes a routine that needs to be kept working successfully for the benefit of all family members.

• Through this page I will be discussing several aspects of parenting. It would be interesting to have feedback from readers. Comments and suggestions are most welcome.

• Marianne Theuma is a qualified childbirth educator and school teacher. A mother of three children and a grandparent, she directs a school for parents, In the Family Way, based at Marsascala. The school offers courses and support for parents, covering various related subjects, from pregnancy to primary and early secondary school age.


Sign up to our free newsletters

Get the best updates straight to your inbox:
Please select at least one mailing list.

You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the link in the footer of our emails. We use Mailchimp as our marketing platform. By subscribing, you acknowledge that your information will be transferred to Mailchimp for processing.