Confessions of a minister - Volume three, Revelations 48

This Morning is a big one for me. I am interviewed, in depth for all of 30 seconds - live - on Sky News on the contentious topic of D-I-V-O-R-C-E! I tell the interviewer that we... in Malta... will never surrender or back down in our resolve to never allow couples to get divorced in Malta or Gozo... whatever the EU says... so there!

But if anyone within the EU or outside it can get me a quickie split from wifey... I may well be persuaded to change my mind.

Monday

At Cabinet this morning, all everyone seems to want to do is high-five Austin over the SmartCity deal. For heaven's sake! We're all grown men here (apart from Giovanna and Dolores) and we've all done our bit to ensure the continued prosperity of our country, so why does Austin get all the plaudits? If you compare his contribution to mine - over a much longer time span - well, there's no comparison. I have personally been responsible for some of the most far-seeing legislation in the history of this country PM (Post Mintoff)... and if you give me a minute I'll come up with an example... er...

Tuesday

It is intensely irritating to me that we are still, even after all the evidence to the contrary, seen as a totally culture-free government.

Rubbish! I consider myself as cultured as the next man... I have even - once - watched Meander on TVM, although admittedly with the sound turned off.

Later to V's, who tells me to lay off as she's feeling a little queer. Well, you're wasting your time there, precious. Oh... right.

Wednesday

Am asked to address the forum of the EU's anti-porn pressure group Make European Pornography Alien (MEPA)... ahem.

In my far-reaching and morally uplifting address I tell the delegates that I - as an avowed Christian and enemy number one of all porn peddlers - would never sully my psyche with the filth they attempt to flood the Internet with. Stuff like... Monstertits.com and kinkychicksareus.com.

The very idea appals me!

Thursday

Lunch at The Peuce Elephant with the visiting EU assistant commissioner's assistant for finding spurious reasons for not handing over any EU cash. She turns out to be a surprisingly attractive fiftysomething Swede.

However, my mildly flirtatious approach is soon spiked and stymied when - after a few initial polite exchanges - she announces: "Forget the charm, big boy and don't think you're getting any more euros out of us. Oh yes, and... I need to see a set of audited accounts of your ministry and I want to see them... now!"

Audited accounts? Is the woman mad? I'll get one of our accountants to knock up some fictional figures by tomorrow... Oh, you fly back to Brussels tonight... aw, shame.

Friday

A recent survey apparently tells us that... I - would you believe - am the most unpopular minister in the Cabinet. Stuff and nonsense! I am deeply loved, and not just by V; no, I am adored by those to whom I have granted countless favours... especially in an election year (but we won't go there).

So, at my district surgery today, I present each whining constituent with a petition to sign (as many times as they like... and not forgetting to sign for all their families and friends) to tell the world and Malta that I am the most beloved Maltese on the planet... so there!

Saturday

PM: Am obliged to be present in Valletta for yet another of those ghastly Notte Blankout... whatever, evenings.

Fortunately my driver has a police escort into the city, where I and wifey are obliged to squeeze into those crippling seats in the Opera House ruins, for what is termed "a theatrical experience".

This turns out to be an interminable "display" by 10 or so pre-pubescent brats, who inflict on us a "play" that involves passing pieces of fruit to and fro.

As entertainment... on a scale of 1-10, as a generous estimate - it rates at about minus 40. Get me out of here!