I shall win World War III

Space ships travelling far away from our earth are enthusiastic about finding civilisations on other planets. This is why they carry with them CDs which will update ETs on the kind of sounds we produce in Malta. A Maltese CD will have on it the sound of petards, of screaming on beaches, of lap dancers being arrested, of fundamentalist loudspeakers in village streets, bash music mixed with tranquil cappuccinos, horn blowing of foreign sports aficionados with an inferiority complex, euphoric laughter by angry politicians, the voice of a kindergarten cartoonist reporting me to his wife, the sobbing of writers swallowing sour grapes twigs an' all after local elections and... the voice of Lawrence Gonzi bellowing that local elections are an unimportant feel-bad factor and that he (sic) will win the general election. In which case I shall win the... third world war.

Party funding

I have always had the intention of writing about political party funding and I was going to divulge a few popular secrets about grateful, rich developers of ideology. But the treasurer of the PN saved me the chore of research and analysis with his truth about his party's funding. He put several figollas for sale at the Pietà HQ - some representing drunk writers and debaters thriving on sour water pipes and others a Mosta handyman earning Lm1,000 per month. The most expensive figollas were animated - representing politicians running out of a party club after the treasurer bellowed that "those who are not loyal to our leader, get up and leave".

Mad cow

I often hear sound and vision animators speak of mad cow instead of the Maltese version of baqra mignuna. At the risk of abusing my sociolinguistics with ad hoc interpretations, I guess that these animators are afraid of reminding listeners and viewers of a person they know. Which is not a bad idea - but such a cruel thing!

Carry on off the swings

Few people have given much importance to the leadership programme Parliamentary Secretary Tonio Fenech attended in the US recently. The event was called International Visitor Leadership Programme and focused on immigration policy, environment and alternative energy, business opportunities and US-EU relationship - all highly important for Malta's future politics.

I had mentioned in my previous articles that Mr Fenech is considered by many as the next PN leader. Obviously only Mr Fenech knows his intentions but all things, including Dr Gonzi's increasing unpopularity with PN people who don't vote, indicate that someone else will have to be found to replace him soon - and the sooner the better. The leadership programme may come in handy in Mr Fenech's CV, both if a leadership crisis arises within the PN soon or if the local council election results repeat themselves in the general election - as the trend shows (see survey results in The Sunday Times, March 25). A Cabinet reshuffle - even at this late stage as suggested by the editorial of The Sunday Times, also of March 25 - could perhaps save the day without the need for an immediate leadership change.

At the same time, Dr Gonzi's rival these last years has been ex-Minister John Dalli - whom most believe that he should be reinstated as minister but the Prime Minister seems stubbornly against this possibility for some illogical reason. Mr Dalli has not been idle and it is quite obvious that his popularity and credibility have increased - even after his well-attended interview at the Zebbug MLP club recently. His already strong hand has been strengthened by his insistence on practising what everybody has been declaring: that the PN lacks contact with the people. This is not being given enough importance - as could be seen in Clyde Puli's weak attempts at contradicting Mr Dalli in a recent debate on Smash TV. Is the PN perhaps sending the wrong people to TV debates, those who seem unwilling to put their ears to the ground?

Meanwhile, Dr Gonzi has been very unconvincing in explaining away the PN's five consecutive losses under his helm at local and European Parliament elections - the latter being the worst disaster after the "natural European affinity" that the PN had been claiming in spite of its conservatism in the face of European progressivism. Dr Gonzi has claimed that there was no swing towards Labour. Call it what you want, but everybody else has been saying that not only was there a swing but also a slide and a merry-go-round.

So who shall it be in the near future? Mr Dalli or Mr Fenech?

Friends in Europe

The mobile phone roaming cost reduction proposed by one of our hard-working men in Europe, Joseph Muscat, was accepted by the European Socialists and defeated by the PN's conservative friends. This follows Gunther Verheugen's suggestion that small states like Malta should not have commissioners. With friends of the Maltese people like these, who needs enemies?

Crocodile at Chadwick Lakes?

This is the Maltese version of the Loch Ness saga. (I don't dare say "legend" as I may be pounced upon by Nessie fans and other admirers of foreign monsters.) Long ago, when we did not have a single saint, somebody reported spotting a crocodile at Chadwick Lakes. It was not the same person who had reported seeing White and other Ladies in various places where exciting fundamentalism was rampant among the peasants. All necessary investigations were carried out revealing nothing. (Unlike the lap dancers.) But so were they in Loch Ness and strange sounds and bizarre ripples remain anyway! Some laughed the report away, saying that "crocodile" was only the nickname of a developer waiting for the right moment to develop Chadwick Lakes into concrete art. Others said that the notorious smart croc actually existed, as it was seen ferrying frogs and toads across the canals, waiting for them to snooze to gobble them up.

I believe that a serious search should again be held. This must be done in summer when NSO will declare the lowest level of centimetres that the Chadwick Lakes could reach so that the croc will have little water where to hide. To make doubly sure, a consultant pump may be used to effect a downward adjustment of the water level.

KNZ and tobacco

Hats off to the National Youth Council (KNZ) for their campaign against tobacco. I believe all educators must support this campaign and that by the Health Promotion Unit. Tobacco inevitably produces cancer, cardiac problems, a stinking mouth, smelly clothes and body and... a waste of money. Have a lovely holiday instead of burning some Lm700 a year! Politicians disgusted at smoking have my, er, admiration.

Dr Licari teaches psycholinguistics, sociolinguistics and geolinguistics at the Department of French of the University of Malta.