Children bring into the marriage a lot of joy. Many, even look at children as the true making of a family, without which there's only a "childless couple". Hardly are people aware of the many great dangers involved with the arrival of children. Many people are oblivious to the often deep and significant changes in the relational dynamics of the marital relationship.
When a couple marries the next "logical" step is to have children. The Maltese are particularly keen about having children with many considering children as the only way to "form a family". Popularly, there is the wrong belief that a family without children is not a family at all. This creates some tension particularly because those around the couple are often eager for the couple to "form" this family. Newlyweds often have to face parents eager to become grandparents, brothers and sisters eager to become uncles and aunts. This is especially true now that the childbirth rate is constantly declining, with the Maltese having fewer children.
In this sense, children create tension in marriages even in absentia. The partners might find themselves equally "pressure" by their families and friends, but they can be unequally influenced, with one partner becoming more eager than the other to have children.
Pregnancy itself already shifts the couple's attention from each other onto the unborn baby. In ensuring the baby's safety, many couples change their lifestyle, at times even completely. The danger here is that the couple concentrates too much on the unborn child's needs while neglecting their needs, personal and relational. It might not be a problem initially, as both parents-to-be are enthusiastically made to believe, socially, that the baby has to take priority over everything else, even over their relationship. The final stages of pregnancy continue to pose constant challenges to the couple, particularly if it's the first pregnancy.
The birth of the baby then is a special moment enshrined within a niche of turbulent inner feelings and thoughts, often troubling. Feelings about responsibility, confusing feelings about the future of the child, changing feelings about one's spouse, all bring forth a host of psychological changes. The apparently immediate mother-child bond and the apparent gradual father-child bond guarantees that the marital relationship becomes denuded of its primacy.
The new parents often become just that - parents - and completely sacrifice the other important role in the relationship, the marital relationship. The dangers are hundredfold. While the mother might be absorbed by the child's demanding constant needs, she may underestimate the power that bond has on the now peripheral father. Fathers normally feel an increased sense of responsibility of care towards the child, which care they often provide by increasing their workload to bring more money home. Some men also feel the responsibility to actually compensate for the wife's loss of income due to pregnancy, and now childrearing. This often leads men to work longer hours, thus isolating themselves from the developing bond between mother and child.
Whether this is by necessity or by choice, it definitely poses great dangers to the relationship. And it is not a long while before the new mother starts feeling tied down, unsupported by the overworked husband, and lonely. This is a very critical period for the relationship making both partners vulnerable to enter into affairs.
The daily routine may become annoying with both partners spending it away from each other. The husband often comes back home from work late and tired, only to find an exhausted wife who spent her day with a demanding baby. A re-focus on the relationship is necessary if the partners want to move beyond this stage untouched by one of life's most difficult stages within the family life cycle. Many researchers have shown the many vulnerabilities of this stage, with some also claiming that marriage breakdown begins exactly with the birth of the baby.
Of course there are many things couples can do to prevent a catastrophic ending. Make sure you speak about your needs, your relationship, and not too much about the baby. It is good parenting to settle the baby into a sleeping-waking-eating-playing routine as soon as possible. This will both help the baby get a stable rhythm to his new life and helps you, the couple in being able to go about your needs. Hundred per cent dedication to the child is definitely wrong.
A common mistake I encounter in relationships which develop problems is that the couples place the baby between them in bed. The marital bed is sacred! No one else is allowed on it except for the two lovers. If it is necessary to keep the baby beside you, get a cot. Perhaps it's OK if this happens until the child stabilises itself, or for breast feeding purposes. Thereafter, the child should be in an own room, perhaps with the door open. The earlier the child learns about boundaries, the better disciplined it will grow.
This will hopefully give you time together, which is a necessity for relationship survival. So make sure that as a couple you have undisturbed time, to make love, to chat, to watch a film, to eat together, to clean together, and so on. Time is vital. Beware of cliché terms such as "quality time". Quality is at the service of quantity. Moreover, it is always recommendable that the couple creates a regular space to be out together, having some fun. All the above is if the birth of the baby went fine.
Things often precipitate further when something goes wrong. Disabilities, post-partum depressions, and many possible peculiarities can all make life more difficult for the couple to move beyond this very important stage.
Make sure you get the help you need as a couple. Make sure that what you do connects you with each other, rather than distances you. Ensure that your partner always feels your number one.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
When a couple marries the next "logical" step is to have children. The Maltese are particularly keen about having children with many considering children as the only way to "form a family". Popularly, there is the wrong belief that a family without children is not a family at all. This creates some tension particularly because those around the couple are often eager for the couple to "form" this family. Newlyweds often have to face parents eager to become grandparents, brothers and sisters eager to become uncles and aunts. This is especially true now that the childbirth rate is constantly declining, with the Maltese having fewer children.
In this sense, children create tension in marriages even in absentia. The partners might find themselves equally "pressure" by their families and friends, but they can be unequally influenced, with one partner becoming more eager than the other to have children.
Pregnancy itself already shifts the couple's attention from each other onto the unborn baby. In ensuring the baby's safety, many couples change their lifestyle, at times even completely. The danger here is that the couple concentrates too much on the unborn child's needs while neglecting their needs, personal and relational. It might not be a problem initially, as both parents-to-be are enthusiastically made to believe, socially, that the baby has to take priority over everything else, even over their relationship. The final stages of pregnancy continue to pose constant challenges to the couple, particularly if it's the first pregnancy.
The birth of the baby then is a special moment enshrined within a niche of turbulent inner feelings and thoughts, often troubling. Feelings about responsibility, confusing feelings about the future of the child, changing feelings about one's spouse, all bring forth a host of psychological changes. The apparently immediate mother-child bond and the apparent gradual father-child bond guarantees that the marital relationship becomes denuded of its primacy.
The new parents often become just that - parents - and completely sacrifice the other important role in the relationship, the marital relationship. The dangers are hundredfold. While the mother might be absorbed by the child's demanding constant needs, she may underestimate the power that bond has on the now peripheral father. Fathers normally feel an increased sense of responsibility of care towards the child, which care they often provide by increasing their workload to bring more money home. Some men also feel the responsibility to actually compensate for the wife's loss of income due to pregnancy, and now childrearing. This often leads men to work longer hours, thus isolating themselves from the developing bond between mother and child.
Whether this is by necessity or by choice, it definitely poses great dangers to the relationship. And it is not a long while before the new mother starts feeling tied down, unsupported by the overworked husband, and lonely. This is a very critical period for the relationship making both partners vulnerable to enter into affairs.
The daily routine may become annoying with both partners spending it away from each other. The husband often comes back home from work late and tired, only to find an exhausted wife who spent her day with a demanding baby. A re-focus on the relationship is necessary if the partners want to move beyond this stage untouched by one of life's most difficult stages within the family life cycle. Many researchers have shown the many vulnerabilities of this stage, with some also claiming that marriage breakdown begins exactly with the birth of the baby.
Of course there are many things couples can do to prevent a catastrophic ending. Make sure you speak about your needs, your relationship, and not too much about the baby. It is good parenting to settle the baby into a sleeping-waking-eating-playing routine as soon as possible. This will both help the baby get a stable rhythm to his new life and helps you, the couple in being able to go about your needs. Hundred per cent dedication to the child is definitely wrong.
A common mistake I encounter in relationships which develop problems is that the couples place the baby between them in bed. The marital bed is sacred! No one else is allowed on it except for the two lovers. If it is necessary to keep the baby beside you, get a cot. Perhaps it's OK if this happens until the child stabilises itself, or for breast feeding purposes. Thereafter, the child should be in an own room, perhaps with the door open. The earlier the child learns about boundaries, the better disciplined it will grow.
This will hopefully give you time together, which is a necessity for relationship survival. So make sure that as a couple you have undisturbed time, to make love, to chat, to watch a film, to eat together, to clean together, and so on. Time is vital. Beware of cliché terms such as "quality time". Quality is at the service of quantity. Moreover, it is always recommendable that the couple creates a regular space to be out together, having some fun. All the above is if the birth of the baby went fine.
Things often precipitate further when something goes wrong. Disabilities, post-partum depressions, and many possible peculiarities can all make life more difficult for the couple to move beyond this very important stage.
Make sure you get the help you need as a couple. Make sure that what you do connects you with each other, rather than distances you. Ensure that your partner always feels your number one.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.