Relationships - I do...
Charlie Azzopardi comes up with a few hints which help nurture the context within which love grows
This article is for those who are taking serious decisions in their lives - especially for those who are deciding whether to remain in or leave their marriage because they feel "out of love" with their spouse of no matter how many years; and for those who are deciding about whether to get married or not.
"Feelings" seem to have gained dominion over everything else in relationships. Marriages are being founded on "feelings" and people are basing their life-long commitment on whether or not they "feel" in love with their partner. This is bound to lead to a failed marriage and expectations should change into a more realistic set.
The many times I hear the sentence "I feel like a brother to her", or "I don't feel attracted to him any more", and "I don't have feelings for him any more" I always ask the same question: What do you mean by feelings? The variety of answers I get implies that people are basing their intimate relationships on something, but they don't even know what this "something" is. And how right or wrong is this?
The feelings many people refer to are those romantic feelings of attraction and infatuation so typical of the initial stages of a romantic love relationship. They consist of pleasant physical sensations and a great sense of connectedness with the other person, often described as the "love of my life". The surprise: This is nothing else but chemistry.
What many don't know is that feelings are a physiological reaction to a contextual occurrence. This means that feelings depend on what is happening in one's life and in one's environment at that particular point in time. Therefore, rather than the automatic "falling in love" kind of belief many people have, love, as a feeling, depends on the many little things that are going on in one's life at that point in time. When I say "contextual" I also intend the personal and the psychological experience of the individual involved.
An example would be that of the feeling of fear. Let's say someone is scared of snakes. When that person sees a snake (environment), a series of conscious and unconscious cognitive processes (psychological) are triggered off, leading to physiological changes in the body, which in turn lead the person to fight or flight the situation. All this often happens within a second or two, without the person having time to stop and think and say "but the snake is on TV", or "the snake is harmless because another person is holding it and anyway it's not poisonous".
Similarly, feelings of love are dependent on the context within which they occur. The problem with the feeling of love however, is that we have to work hard at creating much of the context within which it has to occur. There are many ways of working at improving the context so that love can be felt and I have already written much about this in the past.
Reviving your romantic love relationship involves working not on love itself but on the context within which it has to grow.
Many erroneously think that once romantic love is gone from their relationship they should terminate the relationship. The courageous few persist, and succeed, in restoring their feelings of love and attraction towards their spouse even after 20 years or 30 years of marriage. Let me give some hints for the nurturing of the context within which love grows. Please keep in mind that mine are some humble suggestions that are not idiosyncratic to your relationship. Finding your own personal ways of fostering your relationship is paramount.
One important feature in the context of love is "listening to your partner" and being present. You cannot imagine how many men and women fall apart and into affairs simply because they need someone to listen to what they have to say. Listening often means that the person feels cared for, appreciated, valuable and important to the partner. If you manage to learn to listen and show interest in what your partner does, you are likely to reduce the chance of marriage breakdown by a good percentage. Talking and self-disclosure are the other side of the coin. Make sure you know how to do it and you should go out and learn, if you think you don't know.
Make your partner feel your number one. Many a times people tend to take each other for granted. This can happen to anyone at any point, even during courtship. By "feeling your number one", I mean you have to make sure your partner feels she or he is the most important person in the world for you, above everyone and everything else. So be nice in your words, be polite and use the words "please", "sorry", and "thanks" more often. Be respectful, acknowledge your mistakes. Show your partner you're thinking of him or her during the day. Provide support, rather than judgement, when your spouse shares a difficult moment with you. Sex is a good opportunity for making your spouse feel your number one. Rather than pursuing your pleasure, make sure your partner gets the best, and make sure you provide his or her best and not yours.
Create time to have fun together. Many people take life too seriously and forget that life is too short to be wasted at work, repaying loans, developing businesses and so on. Make sure you get some undisturbed time together in which you do something you enjoy - a nice walk by the sea, a quiet evening out barbecueing on a beach, a swim in summer, or a country walk and picnic on a wintry afternoon. Or perhaps you like films and want to watch a film together, or eat out together, or play games together. The point is to be playful and have fun.
One last small secret is to make sure you notice things your partner does which you'd rather compliment and praise. Many partners develop negative criticism patterns which spiral down into destructive behaviour. Learn to notice positive behaviour and to reinforce it, thus ensuring it happens again and again.
In short, make sure you behave in a way that is conducive to connectedness between you and your spouse. Ask yourself whether what you're doing is good for the relationship or detrimental and keep your eyes and ears open for signs of what makes your partner feel better with you.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
"Feelings" seem to have gained dominion over everything else in relationships. Marriages are being founded on "feelings" and people are basing their life-long commitment on whether or not they "feel" in love with their partner. This is bound to lead to a failed marriage and expectations should change into a more realistic set.
The many times I hear the sentence "I feel like a brother to her", or "I don't feel attracted to him any more", and "I don't have feelings for him any more" I always ask the same question: What do you mean by feelings? The variety of answers I get implies that people are basing their intimate relationships on something, but they don't even know what this "something" is. And how right or wrong is this?
The feelings many people refer to are those romantic feelings of attraction and infatuation so typical of the initial stages of a romantic love relationship. They consist of pleasant physical sensations and a great sense of connectedness with the other person, often described as the "love of my life". The surprise: This is nothing else but chemistry.
What many don't know is that feelings are a physiological reaction to a contextual occurrence. This means that feelings depend on what is happening in one's life and in one's environment at that particular point in time. Therefore, rather than the automatic "falling in love" kind of belief many people have, love, as a feeling, depends on the many little things that are going on in one's life at that point in time. When I say "contextual" I also intend the personal and the psychological experience of the individual involved.
An example would be that of the feeling of fear. Let's say someone is scared of snakes. When that person sees a snake (environment), a series of conscious and unconscious cognitive processes (psychological) are triggered off, leading to physiological changes in the body, which in turn lead the person to fight or flight the situation. All this often happens within a second or two, without the person having time to stop and think and say "but the snake is on TV", or "the snake is harmless because another person is holding it and anyway it's not poisonous".
Similarly, feelings of love are dependent on the context within which they occur. The problem with the feeling of love however, is that we have to work hard at creating much of the context within which it has to occur. There are many ways of working at improving the context so that love can be felt and I have already written much about this in the past.
Reviving your romantic love relationship involves working not on love itself but on the context within which it has to grow.
Many erroneously think that once romantic love is gone from their relationship they should terminate the relationship. The courageous few persist, and succeed, in restoring their feelings of love and attraction towards their spouse even after 20 years or 30 years of marriage. Let me give some hints for the nurturing of the context within which love grows. Please keep in mind that mine are some humble suggestions that are not idiosyncratic to your relationship. Finding your own personal ways of fostering your relationship is paramount.
One important feature in the context of love is "listening to your partner" and being present. You cannot imagine how many men and women fall apart and into affairs simply because they need someone to listen to what they have to say. Listening often means that the person feels cared for, appreciated, valuable and important to the partner. If you manage to learn to listen and show interest in what your partner does, you are likely to reduce the chance of marriage breakdown by a good percentage. Talking and self-disclosure are the other side of the coin. Make sure you know how to do it and you should go out and learn, if you think you don't know.
Make your partner feel your number one. Many a times people tend to take each other for granted. This can happen to anyone at any point, even during courtship. By "feeling your number one", I mean you have to make sure your partner feels she or he is the most important person in the world for you, above everyone and everything else. So be nice in your words, be polite and use the words "please", "sorry", and "thanks" more often. Be respectful, acknowledge your mistakes. Show your partner you're thinking of him or her during the day. Provide support, rather than judgement, when your spouse shares a difficult moment with you. Sex is a good opportunity for making your spouse feel your number one. Rather than pursuing your pleasure, make sure your partner gets the best, and make sure you provide his or her best and not yours.
Create time to have fun together. Many people take life too seriously and forget that life is too short to be wasted at work, repaying loans, developing businesses and so on. Make sure you get some undisturbed time together in which you do something you enjoy - a nice walk by the sea, a quiet evening out barbecueing on a beach, a swim in summer, or a country walk and picnic on a wintry afternoon. Or perhaps you like films and want to watch a film together, or eat out together, or play games together. The point is to be playful and have fun.
One last small secret is to make sure you notice things your partner does which you'd rather compliment and praise. Many partners develop negative criticism patterns which spiral down into destructive behaviour. Learn to notice positive behaviour and to reinforce it, thus ensuring it happens again and again.
In short, make sure you behave in a way that is conducive to connectedness between you and your spouse. Ask yourself whether what you're doing is good for the relationship or detrimental and keep your eyes and ears open for signs of what makes your partner feel better with you.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.