Roots to life - The role of the grandparent
It is not easy for persons who were used to running the show for years, to find themselves not being able to keep the role of "wise person" in their own family.
I just cannot imagine why a picture of a grandparent is usually that of an old person, if he's a man, normally sitting on a rocking chair in front of a fireplace, or wobbling around with the help of a stick, and if she's a woman walking slowly around the house with a broom in hand. The fact cannot be further from the truth, if not for two generations up, when it is more appropriate to refer to the person in the picture as great-grandparent, who in his and her own way, also has a lot to offer and contribute within the family.
Grandparents today are often parents in their 40s and early 50s who are still getting the most out of life, probably holding a full-time job outside the house, planning holidays abroad and living life to the full. Some other grandparents are taken for granted and are the ones who will be looking after their children's children until they reach school age, and thereafter need to be available when the kids get sick and unable to attend school, not to mention the summer holidays when most children are in "holiday mode" and of course more difficult to control!
All is well and good when the situation is dealing with the first grandchild. The grandparent indulges in the caring. But soon after, a problem may arise: What happens when there is more than one grandchild to look after? The grandparent cannot just say no to one or the other, so the probability is that she tries to keep the peace by offering to look after all of them - at a huge price!
You see, nature did not intend for humans to be looking after children full-time at the age of 50 or more, especially when these children are not used to the caring adult's expectations and routines. Most children are a handful, and a 50-year-old's disposition is not always in tune with keeping up with the kids' demands. The result could be that the grandparent tries to find ways and means to perhaps entertain the children for a while, feed them, or shall I say "stuff them with food!", and then spend the rest of the time trying to get them to sleep, hoping and praying for some peace and quiet in due time. (You do not have to be a grandparent to do this!)
Looking after one's child as a parent is very different to looking after a child as a grandparent. Times change and so do parenting styles. It is difficult for a grandmother to accept that her actions and behaviour she deemed highly successful when she was bringing up her own kids, may not be the thing to do today! If she is going to be responsible for children, she needs to keep up with the times so that her methods are in line with the parents' expectations. It is not a question of take it or leave it - you either accept my methods, or else! The effect of having double standards may be confusing to a child, though most children just know what to expect from mum, dad or nannu and nanna and learn to manipulate each situation to the best advantage!
It was considered strange when I first organised a course for grandparents! The kind of feeling of "what is there to learn when you have been through it all for several times?" prevailed. The "students" attending the course, obviously all grandparents, were intrigued by the many changes that happened in our society since they were parents themselves. Family relationships, child development, sex education, pregnancy, birth, the new mother's postnatal feelings, feeding babies, nutrition, sleeping routines, nappy changing, potty training, disciplinary styles, kids' behaviour and homework all came under scrutiny. Most grandparents attending the course had come with the idea that they knew it all - but left the class overwhelmed with how things have changed in just one generation. I had to be very careful not to negatively affect their morale! If I hadn't, their self-esteem could have been drastically jeopardised! At least, we did open up our minds to the fact that people out there, even our own children, may have ideas different to ours, and that is acceptable and needs to be respected!
This is becoming a problem with new parents who need to adjust to today's style of parenting and cannot have their own parents as role models. It needs to be understood that the ways adopted by grandparents in their own times were not only acceptable but generally encouraged by professionals. You can't blame them to want to hold on to their acquired beliefs, especially if they never had the opportunity to keep up with the latest studies which may have proved them wrong, as often happens with progress.
I believe it would be a good idea to direct education and support not only to parents but also to grandparents as well, especially when the latter are going to actively contribute to a child's caring.
It is not easy for persons who were used to running the show for years, to find themselves not being able to keep the role of "wise person" in their own family. This could be a problem with grandparents. It is no wonder, when the messages they are getting from their children is "OK I need you to be there, but I don't like your methods!" If the whole family is not prepared for this, there could be real problems with relationships. Are you familiar with jokes and stories about in-laws?! Lack of understanding this situation is what usually causes "in-law" stories to grow into much more than a mere joke! All of us can do without the unnecessary frictions within our families. We only need to be taught how!
• Through this article I will be discussing several aspects of parenting. It would be interesting to have feedback from readers. Comments and suggestions are most welcome.
• Marianne Theuma ICCE is a qualified childbirth educator and school teacher. A mother of three children and a grandparent, she directs a school for parents, In the Family Way, based at Marsascala. The school offers courses and support for parents, covering various related subjects, from pregnancy to primary and early secondary school age.
Grandparents today are often parents in their 40s and early 50s who are still getting the most out of life, probably holding a full-time job outside the house, planning holidays abroad and living life to the full. Some other grandparents are taken for granted and are the ones who will be looking after their children's children until they reach school age, and thereafter need to be available when the kids get sick and unable to attend school, not to mention the summer holidays when most children are in "holiday mode" and of course more difficult to control!
All is well and good when the situation is dealing with the first grandchild. The grandparent indulges in the caring. But soon after, a problem may arise: What happens when there is more than one grandchild to look after? The grandparent cannot just say no to one or the other, so the probability is that she tries to keep the peace by offering to look after all of them - at a huge price!
You see, nature did not intend for humans to be looking after children full-time at the age of 50 or more, especially when these children are not used to the caring adult's expectations and routines. Most children are a handful, and a 50-year-old's disposition is not always in tune with keeping up with the kids' demands. The result could be that the grandparent tries to find ways and means to perhaps entertain the children for a while, feed them, or shall I say "stuff them with food!", and then spend the rest of the time trying to get them to sleep, hoping and praying for some peace and quiet in due time. (You do not have to be a grandparent to do this!)
Looking after one's child as a parent is very different to looking after a child as a grandparent. Times change and so do parenting styles. It is difficult for a grandmother to accept that her actions and behaviour she deemed highly successful when she was bringing up her own kids, may not be the thing to do today! If she is going to be responsible for children, she needs to keep up with the times so that her methods are in line with the parents' expectations. It is not a question of take it or leave it - you either accept my methods, or else! The effect of having double standards may be confusing to a child, though most children just know what to expect from mum, dad or nannu and nanna and learn to manipulate each situation to the best advantage!
It was considered strange when I first organised a course for grandparents! The kind of feeling of "what is there to learn when you have been through it all for several times?" prevailed. The "students" attending the course, obviously all grandparents, were intrigued by the many changes that happened in our society since they were parents themselves. Family relationships, child development, sex education, pregnancy, birth, the new mother's postnatal feelings, feeding babies, nutrition, sleeping routines, nappy changing, potty training, disciplinary styles, kids' behaviour and homework all came under scrutiny. Most grandparents attending the course had come with the idea that they knew it all - but left the class overwhelmed with how things have changed in just one generation. I had to be very careful not to negatively affect their morale! If I hadn't, their self-esteem could have been drastically jeopardised! At least, we did open up our minds to the fact that people out there, even our own children, may have ideas different to ours, and that is acceptable and needs to be respected!
This is becoming a problem with new parents who need to adjust to today's style of parenting and cannot have their own parents as role models. It needs to be understood that the ways adopted by grandparents in their own times were not only acceptable but generally encouraged by professionals. You can't blame them to want to hold on to their acquired beliefs, especially if they never had the opportunity to keep up with the latest studies which may have proved them wrong, as often happens with progress.
I believe it would be a good idea to direct education and support not only to parents but also to grandparents as well, especially when the latter are going to actively contribute to a child's caring.
It is not easy for persons who were used to running the show for years, to find themselves not being able to keep the role of "wise person" in their own family. This could be a problem with grandparents. It is no wonder, when the messages they are getting from their children is "OK I need you to be there, but I don't like your methods!" If the whole family is not prepared for this, there could be real problems with relationships. Are you familiar with jokes and stories about in-laws?! Lack of understanding this situation is what usually causes "in-law" stories to grow into much more than a mere joke! All of us can do without the unnecessary frictions within our families. We only need to be taught how!
• Through this article I will be discussing several aspects of parenting. It would be interesting to have feedback from readers. Comments and suggestions are most welcome.
• Marianne Theuma ICCE is a qualified childbirth educator and school teacher. A mother of three children and a grandparent, she directs a school for parents, In the Family Way, based at Marsascala. The school offers courses and support for parents, covering various related subjects, from pregnancy to primary and early secondary school age.