Roots to life - The role of the pregnant father
Although the mother carries most of the burden of pregnancy, fathers also have their fair share of hardship and uncertainty that comes with it
There is no pregnant mother without a pregnant father! Most of the time, after the news of a pregnancy is spread out, attention of family and friends is immediately directed towards the mother, with everybody making a fuss over her, asking her how she is doing and how she is feeling. It rarely occurs to people to ask the father about his feelings! He has his own special needs too, which certainly need to be addressed in their own way.
Although many fathers are inwardly proud to have succeeded in making their wife pregnant especially with their first baby, when the exhilaration of the news is over, they only feel like props or add-ons. Everybody expects them to be supportive, to do things they were never expected to do before. With a wife who is pregnant and still working, he feels responsible for a lot of chores, like washing floors, carrying the shopping and the washing. It certainly is a blessing with husbands today realising the importance of giving a helping hand in the house right from the very beginning of married life, when sharing the better or the worse starts to have a meaning.
The expectant father is expected to make changes in his lifestyle, ideally even months before the baby is conceived. He is expected to stop smoking and drinking alcohol, contributing to a healthier baby. Living closely with a pregnant mother means this has to be kept up throughout pregnancy and thereafter. It is proven that children get less sick in a household where nobody smokes and drinks alcohol regularly. The father is expected to go for walks, and join in healthy eating whether he has a preference or not.
If the mother spends the first weeks of her pregnancy feeling sick, the father may start feeling guilty, thinking that he is the one to cause her so much discomfort. Surprisingly, some pregnant fathers start feeling the pregnancy symptoms themselves! This is not made up but can be very real. It is called "couvade syndrome", a kind of empathy feeling when fathers find their emotions are changing, they start throwing up, feel queazy, need to go to the bathroom more often and also start putting on weight! When this happens, it is obviously for different reasons to the mother's. Symptoms caused by anxiety may be very similar to those caused by a pregnancy!
Then comes the ordeal: How do you behave when your better half is changing everyday under your very eyes. You wake up in the morning, not knowing what her emotions will be like! Do you crack a joke, give her a hug or just steer away as far as possible until she starts to reason again? You simply won't know! Men and women are so different in their way of thinking that sometimes it is very difficult to realise on what level she is thinking. This happens on normal days in everyday life, let alone during pregnancy! This could be very stressful to the father who is trying his best to be the ideal supportive husband but never seems able to get it right!
Another question: Do you tell a pregnant mother she looks pregnant? Some women yearn to start showing off their pregnant belly, while others indulge in the feeling that their pregnancy doesn't even show! Whichever way it is, it is good for the father to sense what will please his wife and give her what she wants. Massaging her is very appropriate especially in the lower back area when the pregnancy starts getting heavy. Whatever it takes, it is very important that what he says and does is directed towards making her feel good. Sarcasm and jokes about her behaviour and her growing belly do not always contribute to a loving relationship. Pregnancy makes a woman highly sensitive.
A study shows that pregnant fathers are also very disturbed with sorting out the family's finances. They feel very responsible to bring home the bread, especially if the couple is planning for the mother to stay home with the baby for some time on unpaid leave. Most fathers are afraid that without their wife's income, their salary may not be adequate enough to keep up with home loans and the family's general upkeep. Pregnancy is also a time when a lot of expense goes towards the baby items that need to be bought - and by today's standards, this could amount to quite a substantial sum! Fathers may be too proud to talk this over with their pregnant wives, also thinking it may not be fair on them. But studies show that when a father finds time to address this worry with his wife, together they have better solutions to a family budget that can work. The family's priorities should have ideally been discussed and worked out before the pregnancy. There is no way "working things out" in a sensible way will bring solutions to adequately cater for numerous loans on house, furniture, cars and sometimes wedding receptions! A quick-fix solution of the father finding a part-time job to make things work better may not be the best of ideas, as this keeps him away from home for longer. With a new mum drastically needing continued support more than ever, the relation may be seriously jeopardised.
Pregnant fathers also get nagging thoughts about whether the baby is going to be healthy or not. Often with men, these worries are kept secret because they think that they cannot possibly add to the mother's worries just by speaking their mind. On the other hand, owing to this silence, the mother may think her husband does not even care, because he never mentions anything about his fear that the baby may not be healthy. Is she the only one to carry this responsibility? Usually she is the one to ask her doctor loads of questions; he never does. Her immediate interpretation: Lack of interest and so lack of love!
Then comes the big decision: "Where are we going to have the baby?" He may come up with some ideas that are probably influenced by his own family. This may not be in line with what the mother wishes. Who is going to have the last word? Other questions crop up like: How will I perform during the birth? Will I be a good father?
Though the mother carries most of the burden of pregnancy, we must admit that fathers also have their fair share of hardship and uncertainty that comes with pregnancy. Communicating their feelings with the right people helps tremendously. Today it is not acceptable that parents remain ignorant of the process of pregnancy, birth and parenting. Their active role in the process is of utmost importance. Getting the right information at the right time is the first step towards being able to shoulder responsibility with self confidence.
• Through this article I will be discussing several aspects of parenting. It would be interesting to have feedback from readers. Comments and suggestions are most welcome.
• Marianne Theuma ICCE is a qualified childbirth educator and school teacher. A mother of three children and a grandparent, she directs a school for parents, In the Family Way, based at Marsascala. The school offers courses and support for parents, covering various related subjects, from pregnancy to primary and early secondary school age.
Although many fathers are inwardly proud to have succeeded in making their wife pregnant especially with their first baby, when the exhilaration of the news is over, they only feel like props or add-ons. Everybody expects them to be supportive, to do things they were never expected to do before. With a wife who is pregnant and still working, he feels responsible for a lot of chores, like washing floors, carrying the shopping and the washing. It certainly is a blessing with husbands today realising the importance of giving a helping hand in the house right from the very beginning of married life, when sharing the better or the worse starts to have a meaning.
The expectant father is expected to make changes in his lifestyle, ideally even months before the baby is conceived. He is expected to stop smoking and drinking alcohol, contributing to a healthier baby. Living closely with a pregnant mother means this has to be kept up throughout pregnancy and thereafter. It is proven that children get less sick in a household where nobody smokes and drinks alcohol regularly. The father is expected to go for walks, and join in healthy eating whether he has a preference or not.
If the mother spends the first weeks of her pregnancy feeling sick, the father may start feeling guilty, thinking that he is the one to cause her so much discomfort. Surprisingly, some pregnant fathers start feeling the pregnancy symptoms themselves! This is not made up but can be very real. It is called "couvade syndrome", a kind of empathy feeling when fathers find their emotions are changing, they start throwing up, feel queazy, need to go to the bathroom more often and also start putting on weight! When this happens, it is obviously for different reasons to the mother's. Symptoms caused by anxiety may be very similar to those caused by a pregnancy!
Then comes the ordeal: How do you behave when your better half is changing everyday under your very eyes. You wake up in the morning, not knowing what her emotions will be like! Do you crack a joke, give her a hug or just steer away as far as possible until she starts to reason again? You simply won't know! Men and women are so different in their way of thinking that sometimes it is very difficult to realise on what level she is thinking. This happens on normal days in everyday life, let alone during pregnancy! This could be very stressful to the father who is trying his best to be the ideal supportive husband but never seems able to get it right!
Another question: Do you tell a pregnant mother she looks pregnant? Some women yearn to start showing off their pregnant belly, while others indulge in the feeling that their pregnancy doesn't even show! Whichever way it is, it is good for the father to sense what will please his wife and give her what she wants. Massaging her is very appropriate especially in the lower back area when the pregnancy starts getting heavy. Whatever it takes, it is very important that what he says and does is directed towards making her feel good. Sarcasm and jokes about her behaviour and her growing belly do not always contribute to a loving relationship. Pregnancy makes a woman highly sensitive.
A study shows that pregnant fathers are also very disturbed with sorting out the family's finances. They feel very responsible to bring home the bread, especially if the couple is planning for the mother to stay home with the baby for some time on unpaid leave. Most fathers are afraid that without their wife's income, their salary may not be adequate enough to keep up with home loans and the family's general upkeep. Pregnancy is also a time when a lot of expense goes towards the baby items that need to be bought - and by today's standards, this could amount to quite a substantial sum! Fathers may be too proud to talk this over with their pregnant wives, also thinking it may not be fair on them. But studies show that when a father finds time to address this worry with his wife, together they have better solutions to a family budget that can work. The family's priorities should have ideally been discussed and worked out before the pregnancy. There is no way "working things out" in a sensible way will bring solutions to adequately cater for numerous loans on house, furniture, cars and sometimes wedding receptions! A quick-fix solution of the father finding a part-time job to make things work better may not be the best of ideas, as this keeps him away from home for longer. With a new mum drastically needing continued support more than ever, the relation may be seriously jeopardised.
Pregnant fathers also get nagging thoughts about whether the baby is going to be healthy or not. Often with men, these worries are kept secret because they think that they cannot possibly add to the mother's worries just by speaking their mind. On the other hand, owing to this silence, the mother may think her husband does not even care, because he never mentions anything about his fear that the baby may not be healthy. Is she the only one to carry this responsibility? Usually she is the one to ask her doctor loads of questions; he never does. Her immediate interpretation: Lack of interest and so lack of love!
Then comes the big decision: "Where are we going to have the baby?" He may come up with some ideas that are probably influenced by his own family. This may not be in line with what the mother wishes. Who is going to have the last word? Other questions crop up like: How will I perform during the birth? Will I be a good father?
Though the mother carries most of the burden of pregnancy, we must admit that fathers also have their fair share of hardship and uncertainty that comes with pregnancy. Communicating their feelings with the right people helps tremendously. Today it is not acceptable that parents remain ignorant of the process of pregnancy, birth and parenting. Their active role in the process is of utmost importance. Getting the right information at the right time is the first step towards being able to shoulder responsibility with self confidence.
• Through this article I will be discussing several aspects of parenting. It would be interesting to have feedback from readers. Comments and suggestions are most welcome.
• Marianne Theuma ICCE is a qualified childbirth educator and school teacher. A mother of three children and a grandparent, she directs a school for parents, In the Family Way, based at Marsascala. The school offers courses and support for parents, covering various related subjects, from pregnancy to primary and early secondary school age.