Relationships - Living and loving
Charlie Azzopardi concludes his three-part article on what makes families strong
In the last two articles I wrote about six characteristics that strong families need to have. Today I continue with the last few. This, of course, wasn't an exhaustive list. On the contrary, I simply brushed on some of the characteristics with the hope of eliciting many more which readers might want to inform us about.
Family strength 6: Flexibility and adaptive ability
To deal with day-to-day living and make life simpler and smoother for their members, families develop habits, routines and patterns. Such patterns may include who cooks, when and how, who washes the dishes, does the laundry or fixes the car, takes cares of bills, and so on. Some less obvious patterns involve, for example, who makes decisions, how arguments are handled, how opinions and affection expressed, and other aspects of daily family life.
Stable and predictive family patterns are necessary to make life easier for the whole family. Without reasonable family patterns chaos ensues. Yet rigid patterns are dangerous in that they don't let the family adjust to the changes necessary for its own survival in a changing context. Here is where the need of flexibility emerges. This refers to the family's ability to adjust to the constantly changing circumstances around it.
Strong families develop patterns that provide them with both stability and continuity simultaneously. This may sound contradictory but it is not. Change is inevitable and giving change a direction through the development of flexible patterns is essential for family survival. These patterns may require changes in habits, rules, roles, division of labour or new rules about performing family tasks and functions. This flexibility often adapts the family well for crises situations, for example sudden unemployment or sudden need for both partners to go out and work.
Other changes that most families need to face include the birth of a baby, children getting older, changing schools, changing activities, changing times, switching jobs, retirement, and so on. Families are also reshaped by adoption, sickness, separation, death, new living arrangements, and more.
The most successful families in coping with change are those in which the parents share the leadership. These are capable of adapting relationships and family rules to fit the new family demands at different times along the family life cycle. For example during children's adolescence new rules on curfews, pocket money, family involvement, tasks, and so on, have to be re-negatiated.
Family strength 7: Sprituality
Strong families share some belief in something which is greater than themselves. They have moral standards indicating what is right and wrong, good and bad, and what is really important to them all. These shared values provide families with purpose and meaning and serve as guidelines for living. Spirituality can be expressed through faith in God, faith in humanity, moral behaviour, prayers, meditation, charity, voluntary work and so on. Some families participate in religious groups while others need contact with nature to feel part of that greater power of the almighty.
Family strength 8: Community and family ties
Strong families are not only connected between them but also to others in the community. They realise they are not on their own and that it takes a village to raise a child. Rather than standing alone, strong families seek outside help. They tend to be involved in their children's schools, churches and local organisations promoting the well-being of the community. Apart from thinking about what's good for them, strong families develop a sense of the greater good.
Ties with relatives, neighbours and friends tend to be balanced and neither too enmeshed nor too distant. Strong families seem to move according to their list of priorities. They tend to collectively consider the needy in their community and contribute to their aid in some way.
Family strength 9: Clear roles
Clear roles characterise strong families. This means that each member is clear about the day-to-day activities, obligations, and responsibilities to the family. Roles are flexible and adaptable to changing family needs. For example, if one is busy and cannot fulfil one's obligation of washing the dishes someone else takes over. Some roles are shared between members, like for example the parenting role, which is shared by both mother and father.
Clear roles denote a clear distinction between the parents, as the executive team within the family, and the children. Some might harbour the desire to befriend their children, which is wrong, unless the children are at the leaving home stage. The husband-wife relationship is best based on equality even though one partner may be stronger in some decisions than in others. Although involving the children in decision-making teaches them to gradually take responsibility, the ultimate authority remains that of the parents.
Family strength 10: Celebrate your family
Identifying the family's strengths is vital for the family. Celebrating those strengths is a way of making sure families reinforce themselves towards the best. Spend some time together identifying your family's strengths. Time is vital. Then again, make time to celebrate them. This means reinforcing the best traits of your family, which are what you want to happen again and again.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
Family strength 6: Flexibility and adaptive ability
To deal with day-to-day living and make life simpler and smoother for their members, families develop habits, routines and patterns. Such patterns may include who cooks, when and how, who washes the dishes, does the laundry or fixes the car, takes cares of bills, and so on. Some less obvious patterns involve, for example, who makes decisions, how arguments are handled, how opinions and affection expressed, and other aspects of daily family life.
Stable and predictive family patterns are necessary to make life easier for the whole family. Without reasonable family patterns chaos ensues. Yet rigid patterns are dangerous in that they don't let the family adjust to the changes necessary for its own survival in a changing context. Here is where the need of flexibility emerges. This refers to the family's ability to adjust to the constantly changing circumstances around it.
Strong families develop patterns that provide them with both stability and continuity simultaneously. This may sound contradictory but it is not. Change is inevitable and giving change a direction through the development of flexible patterns is essential for family survival. These patterns may require changes in habits, rules, roles, division of labour or new rules about performing family tasks and functions. This flexibility often adapts the family well for crises situations, for example sudden unemployment or sudden need for both partners to go out and work.
Other changes that most families need to face include the birth of a baby, children getting older, changing schools, changing activities, changing times, switching jobs, retirement, and so on. Families are also reshaped by adoption, sickness, separation, death, new living arrangements, and more.
The most successful families in coping with change are those in which the parents share the leadership. These are capable of adapting relationships and family rules to fit the new family demands at different times along the family life cycle. For example during children's adolescence new rules on curfews, pocket money, family involvement, tasks, and so on, have to be re-negatiated.
Family strength 7: Sprituality
Strong families share some belief in something which is greater than themselves. They have moral standards indicating what is right and wrong, good and bad, and what is really important to them all. These shared values provide families with purpose and meaning and serve as guidelines for living. Spirituality can be expressed through faith in God, faith in humanity, moral behaviour, prayers, meditation, charity, voluntary work and so on. Some families participate in religious groups while others need contact with nature to feel part of that greater power of the almighty.
Family strength 8: Community and family ties
Strong families are not only connected between them but also to others in the community. They realise they are not on their own and that it takes a village to raise a child. Rather than standing alone, strong families seek outside help. They tend to be involved in their children's schools, churches and local organisations promoting the well-being of the community. Apart from thinking about what's good for them, strong families develop a sense of the greater good.
Ties with relatives, neighbours and friends tend to be balanced and neither too enmeshed nor too distant. Strong families seem to move according to their list of priorities. They tend to collectively consider the needy in their community and contribute to their aid in some way.
Family strength 9: Clear roles
Clear roles characterise strong families. This means that each member is clear about the day-to-day activities, obligations, and responsibilities to the family. Roles are flexible and adaptable to changing family needs. For example, if one is busy and cannot fulfil one's obligation of washing the dishes someone else takes over. Some roles are shared between members, like for example the parenting role, which is shared by both mother and father.
Clear roles denote a clear distinction between the parents, as the executive team within the family, and the children. Some might harbour the desire to befriend their children, which is wrong, unless the children are at the leaving home stage. The husband-wife relationship is best based on equality even though one partner may be stronger in some decisions than in others. Although involving the children in decision-making teaches them to gradually take responsibility, the ultimate authority remains that of the parents.
Family strength 10: Celebrate your family
Identifying the family's strengths is vital for the family. Celebrating those strengths is a way of making sure families reinforce themselves towards the best. Spend some time together identifying your family's strengths. Time is vital. Then again, make time to celebrate them. This means reinforcing the best traits of your family, which are what you want to happen again and again.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.