Try and imagine the feeling. Someone invites you to stay for a few days in a heavenly five-star complex in Greece. They wine you, dine you and deliver anything you desire (within legal and moral limits) to your beachside bungalow. Then they give you the keys to an open-top sporty car worth more than a one-bedroom flat, before programming its onboard satellite navigation system so you can get to Athens by taking the shortest route possible.
And if you let the guy on the right-hand side of this page do the driving, as I did on the way there, it will also be in the fastest time possible. I was only halfway through my impromptu recitation of the rosary when the virtual American lady speaking through the screen - who is no doubt much prettier than the guy on the right though she could have done with his vocal chords when hers were overcome in the din of city traffic - had planted the car at the foot of the great hill that emerges like a big boil through the limitless complexion of white buildings.
We parked, with the assistance of a bleeping sensor that will cause tinnitus if you take longer than five seconds, and then started the painful process of shedding pounds: around 10 of them to buy two tickets to get into the perimeter of the Acropolis, and several more as we panted our way up to see the rather stunning collection of scaffolding and green canvas. As I peered through to marvel at the restoration work that didn't seem to have made much progress in the past 2,000 years, my ear drums were once again rumbled by American voices. But unfortunately this time there was nothing virtual about them. Nor was there any no city traffic to drown them out.
After having a typical Greek lunch in the old area of the city along with a number of other gullible tourists, it was my turn to put the pedal to the metal and head back. This is when the benefits of open-top driving began to really dawn on me. You can sense the wind in your hair, if you have any; feel the warmth of the sun on your back; and distinguish, quite distinctly, the sound of not one, but two tyres deflating simultaneously after running over a pothole at around 60mph. Yes, the Greeks take as much care of their coast roads as the Maltese. But, more to the point, 30 minutes from base and in the middle of nowhere, we had ground to an unscheduled halt.
To make matters worse, the man on the right had an impending dinner appointment with some old friends. But not even the soft-spoken American woman could help us now. So we dumped her for a burly German guy. True, he wasn't as soft spoken as the American and he didn't possess her virtual good looks, unless hair sprouting from one's ears is coming into fashion any time soon. But he did have one big asset attached to him... the new BMW X5, which we had been running around in for the past two days.
Even though it was only a matter of hours since I last saw this car, the plush leather seat gave me a gentle hug as I sat down and, after spending 40 minutes waiting to be rescued and feeling like an incompetent idiot, I reciprocated - well, the choice was between that and the German, and dead animal skin seemed the better option. The X5 comes with five seats as standard but you can now have seven as an option. The extra two at the back, which are smaller than the others but can still take a small adult, fold down flat to make up the huge boot when not in use. So the X5 has become an MPV.
At first sight it may look a bit like the old one, but in reality they're about as similar as the virtual American and my new German friend. All the rough edges have been smoothed and the boxy backend is now almost as sleek as a hatch. This car is 18 centimetres longer and six centimetres wider than its predecessor, but it looks shorter. It looks mean and sporty. BMW has been calling the X5 a sports activity vehicle for years - which was misnomer. But now the description fits.
And that applies to what lies beneath the all-aluminium bonnet too. The range of engines includes the ever-competent 3.0 litre turbo diesel (which I tested too) that is bound the choice of 99 per cent of Malta owners. It has the most torque of all the engines available and more than enough power to keep everyone happy. But the one per cent who are willing and able to burn money and petrol (the combined cycle is just 20.1mpg) for a pure thrill of acceleration will be grinning for days on end with the 4.8 litre V8. It's faster out of the blocks than a number of sports cars (0-60mph takes just 6.1 seconds) and it goes round the Nurmburgring circuit nine seconds faster than its predecessor. That's enough time to watch the world's best sprinters run 100 metres.
Both models have the handling to match, with a mind-boggling array of computers to keep all four driven wheels firmly planted on the road through the tightest of bends. If you make a mistake, all these virtual boffins gang up against you to correct it. While its adaptive drive system, which annoyingly is an option, adjusts the suspension set-up to match the surface you happen to be on - lowering the car for smooth tarmac and lifting you to safety from the potholes. And it has more safety features than a Jumbo Jet as well as a pilot's head-up display.
On the downside, it's not the greatest offroad vehicle - not that any of its buyers will care - while some of the exterior plastics are as bad as a Jumbo's cutlery. The controls inside also take a bit of getting used to, from the push-button handbrake to the unconventional six-speed automatic gearshift. However, once you get the hang of them, they're a real revelation.
But the best thing about the X5, at least for that 30-minute drive back to the hotel, was its run-flat tyres - which can go over a volcanic crater without being deflated, since their side tyre walls are propped up by an entire rubber plantation.
So this pathetic tale has a moral to it. Avoid American women and potholes. Or buy a BMW X5. And if you can't, try and imagine what it feels like to have all three.
The bare facts
Model: 4.8i/3.0d
Engine types: 3.0 si, 4.8i,3.0d
Power: 350bhp/223bhp at 6,000 rpm
Torque: 350lbs at 3,400 rpm/383lbs at 2,00 rpm
Transmission: Six-speed manual
Fuel: 20.1mpg/32.5 (combined cycle)
Acceleration 0-60mph: 6.1 seconds/8.3 seconds
Price: To be announced later
For: Supreme luxury and driving experience
Against: Not a great off-roader
Rating: 5 starts
And if you let the guy on the right-hand side of this page do the driving, as I did on the way there, it will also be in the fastest time possible. I was only halfway through my impromptu recitation of the rosary when the virtual American lady speaking through the screen - who is no doubt much prettier than the guy on the right though she could have done with his vocal chords when hers were overcome in the din of city traffic - had planted the car at the foot of the great hill that emerges like a big boil through the limitless complexion of white buildings.
We parked, with the assistance of a bleeping sensor that will cause tinnitus if you take longer than five seconds, and then started the painful process of shedding pounds: around 10 of them to buy two tickets to get into the perimeter of the Acropolis, and several more as we panted our way up to see the rather stunning collection of scaffolding and green canvas. As I peered through to marvel at the restoration work that didn't seem to have made much progress in the past 2,000 years, my ear drums were once again rumbled by American voices. But unfortunately this time there was nothing virtual about them. Nor was there any no city traffic to drown them out.
After having a typical Greek lunch in the old area of the city along with a number of other gullible tourists, it was my turn to put the pedal to the metal and head back. This is when the benefits of open-top driving began to really dawn on me. You can sense the wind in your hair, if you have any; feel the warmth of the sun on your back; and distinguish, quite distinctly, the sound of not one, but two tyres deflating simultaneously after running over a pothole at around 60mph. Yes, the Greeks take as much care of their coast roads as the Maltese. But, more to the point, 30 minutes from base and in the middle of nowhere, we had ground to an unscheduled halt.
To make matters worse, the man on the right had an impending dinner appointment with some old friends. But not even the soft-spoken American woman could help us now. So we dumped her for a burly German guy. True, he wasn't as soft spoken as the American and he didn't possess her virtual good looks, unless hair sprouting from one's ears is coming into fashion any time soon. But he did have one big asset attached to him... the new BMW X5, which we had been running around in for the past two days.
Even though it was only a matter of hours since I last saw this car, the plush leather seat gave me a gentle hug as I sat down and, after spending 40 minutes waiting to be rescued and feeling like an incompetent idiot, I reciprocated - well, the choice was between that and the German, and dead animal skin seemed the better option. The X5 comes with five seats as standard but you can now have seven as an option. The extra two at the back, which are smaller than the others but can still take a small adult, fold down flat to make up the huge boot when not in use. So the X5 has become an MPV.
At first sight it may look a bit like the old one, but in reality they're about as similar as the virtual American and my new German friend. All the rough edges have been smoothed and the boxy backend is now almost as sleek as a hatch. This car is 18 centimetres longer and six centimetres wider than its predecessor, but it looks shorter. It looks mean and sporty. BMW has been calling the X5 a sports activity vehicle for years - which was misnomer. But now the description fits.
And that applies to what lies beneath the all-aluminium bonnet too. The range of engines includes the ever-competent 3.0 litre turbo diesel (which I tested too) that is bound the choice of 99 per cent of Malta owners. It has the most torque of all the engines available and more than enough power to keep everyone happy. But the one per cent who are willing and able to burn money and petrol (the combined cycle is just 20.1mpg) for a pure thrill of acceleration will be grinning for days on end with the 4.8 litre V8. It's faster out of the blocks than a number of sports cars (0-60mph takes just 6.1 seconds) and it goes round the Nurmburgring circuit nine seconds faster than its predecessor. That's enough time to watch the world's best sprinters run 100 metres.
Both models have the handling to match, with a mind-boggling array of computers to keep all four driven wheels firmly planted on the road through the tightest of bends. If you make a mistake, all these virtual boffins gang up against you to correct it. While its adaptive drive system, which annoyingly is an option, adjusts the suspension set-up to match the surface you happen to be on - lowering the car for smooth tarmac and lifting you to safety from the potholes. And it has more safety features than a Jumbo Jet as well as a pilot's head-up display.
On the downside, it's not the greatest offroad vehicle - not that any of its buyers will care - while some of the exterior plastics are as bad as a Jumbo's cutlery. The controls inside also take a bit of getting used to, from the push-button handbrake to the unconventional six-speed automatic gearshift. However, once you get the hang of them, they're a real revelation.
But the best thing about the X5, at least for that 30-minute drive back to the hotel, was its run-flat tyres - which can go over a volcanic crater without being deflated, since their side tyre walls are propped up by an entire rubber plantation.
So this pathetic tale has a moral to it. Avoid American women and potholes. Or buy a BMW X5. And if you can't, try and imagine what it feels like to have all three.
The bare facts
Model: 4.8i/3.0d
Engine types: 3.0 si, 4.8i,3.0d
Power: 350bhp/223bhp at 6,000 rpm
Torque: 350lbs at 3,400 rpm/383lbs at 2,00 rpm
Transmission: Six-speed manual
Fuel: 20.1mpg/32.5 (combined cycle)
Acceleration 0-60mph: 6.1 seconds/8.3 seconds
Price: To be announced later
For: Supreme luxury and driving experience
Against: Not a great off-roader
Rating: 5 starts