Relationships - Family life: Challenges and choices
Charlie Azzopardi continues his study of the characteristics that make strong families
Last week I wrote about characteristics of strong families. There's obviously more to family strength than the three mentioned last week. This article continues to build on that with the hope of raising awareness on what it takes for a healthy family and healthy relationships within it.
Family strength 4: Commitment
Strong families boast of members who are committed to the family as they value it on top of everything else. Loyalty to their families is a priority and they usually work together to solve problems. In short, they have good team sense and any threats to remove family from top priority are met by the hard work and sacrifices necessary to preserve family well-being.
One way of keeping commitment in your family is to create and practise family traditions and rituals. These are activities or events that occur regularly within a family. They may also hold special meaning for that family - from a simple daily dinner together to bedtime stories, prayers and goodnights, a Sunday family Mass, or Sunday morning breakfast together, Sunday afternoon walk, as well as annual vacations or breaks, birthdays, and so on.
These experiences are often remembered forever and expressed as the "we always" by family members - "we always have dinner together" or "we always play games at home on Sunday afternoon". Such rituals create feelings of warmth and closeness among members and sustain a feeling of stability, predictability and safety.
Another nice and effective way to build family commitment is to put together a family history. Ask older relatives to talk about their lives in the presence of your children. It is also helpful to create a family tree so that everyone in the family, including the children, are able to locate themselves, their roots, and their identities. Finding old pictures and documents may increase this sense of historical belonging and connectedness.
Family strength 5: Communication
Strong families communicate. They share themselves, their feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, joys, sorrows, experiences and so on. They make time to be with each other to talk, listen, and respond.
Take time to talk, especially about how you feel. Creating a time and space where talk is possible is essential. Turn off television sets, videos and computers and remove TVs from kitchens and bedrooms. Use time while driving in the car, while cleaning around the house, while washing up, and so on to talk. Encourage family members to speak more, ask them, "tell me more about that", "Wow, that must have been nice (exciting, scary, etc)".
Some phases in the family life cycle make it particularly difficult to communicate. Communicating with adolescents can be more difficult. But don't give up obviously, persist in your search for alternative ways until you find something that works. Use e-mails, chatting, and SMS, if that is your adolescent's preferred mode of communication. Create suitable games that facilitate communication. Fun is an essential part of communication.
Use "I" messages when sharing your thoughts and feelings. For example, instead of saying: "You're so rude to read the paper over dinner instead of talking to me", it's better to say: "I feel hurt when you read the paper over dinner, I would really like it if we took the time to talk together." "I" messages help you express your feelings without judging and criticising others' behaviour. A listener is less likely to get defensive when you speak in the "I".
Be specific and avoid generalising and sweeping statements. Never and always statements are hardly ever true. Instead, try focusing on a specific issue. Direct your comments on action rather than on the person. For example, say: "I'm upset because you've been late for dinner three times this week, and the whole family had to wait for you".
Be a good listener. There's a saying: People have two ears and one mouth to listen twice as much as they talk. Listening to others is one of the most powerful ways of showing love. To be good listeners we must give up lectures, advice and sermons. Instead try to understand things from the other person's point of view. Accept the other person's feelings and views.
Listen beyond words and pay attention to body talk as well. It is important that you attend fully if you want to show understanding. The way people look at a point in time reflects their inner state of being. Posture, tone of voice, gesticulation, gaze and so on, all have some bit of information that put together, help us make a clearer picture of what the other person is going through.
Finally, it is essential to show your understanding. Acknowledge the person's feelings and thoughts. Accept that feeling. Feelings are not a question of agreeing or disagreeing. They are internal responses to one's experiences and they are correct and right for that person. Make sure you respect that the person's feelings are very special to that person. Invite more discussion if you think it is necessary.
• The last part of this article will follow next week.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
Family strength 4: Commitment
Strong families boast of members who are committed to the family as they value it on top of everything else. Loyalty to their families is a priority and they usually work together to solve problems. In short, they have good team sense and any threats to remove family from top priority are met by the hard work and sacrifices necessary to preserve family well-being.
One way of keeping commitment in your family is to create and practise family traditions and rituals. These are activities or events that occur regularly within a family. They may also hold special meaning for that family - from a simple daily dinner together to bedtime stories, prayers and goodnights, a Sunday family Mass, or Sunday morning breakfast together, Sunday afternoon walk, as well as annual vacations or breaks, birthdays, and so on.
These experiences are often remembered forever and expressed as the "we always" by family members - "we always have dinner together" or "we always play games at home on Sunday afternoon". Such rituals create feelings of warmth and closeness among members and sustain a feeling of stability, predictability and safety.
Another nice and effective way to build family commitment is to put together a family history. Ask older relatives to talk about their lives in the presence of your children. It is also helpful to create a family tree so that everyone in the family, including the children, are able to locate themselves, their roots, and their identities. Finding old pictures and documents may increase this sense of historical belonging and connectedness.
Family strength 5: Communication
Strong families communicate. They share themselves, their feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, joys, sorrows, experiences and so on. They make time to be with each other to talk, listen, and respond.
Take time to talk, especially about how you feel. Creating a time and space where talk is possible is essential. Turn off television sets, videos and computers and remove TVs from kitchens and bedrooms. Use time while driving in the car, while cleaning around the house, while washing up, and so on to talk. Encourage family members to speak more, ask them, "tell me more about that", "Wow, that must have been nice (exciting, scary, etc)".
Some phases in the family life cycle make it particularly difficult to communicate. Communicating with adolescents can be more difficult. But don't give up obviously, persist in your search for alternative ways until you find something that works. Use e-mails, chatting, and SMS, if that is your adolescent's preferred mode of communication. Create suitable games that facilitate communication. Fun is an essential part of communication.
Use "I" messages when sharing your thoughts and feelings. For example, instead of saying: "You're so rude to read the paper over dinner instead of talking to me", it's better to say: "I feel hurt when you read the paper over dinner, I would really like it if we took the time to talk together." "I" messages help you express your feelings without judging and criticising others' behaviour. A listener is less likely to get defensive when you speak in the "I".
Be specific and avoid generalising and sweeping statements. Never and always statements are hardly ever true. Instead, try focusing on a specific issue. Direct your comments on action rather than on the person. For example, say: "I'm upset because you've been late for dinner three times this week, and the whole family had to wait for you".
Be a good listener. There's a saying: People have two ears and one mouth to listen twice as much as they talk. Listening to others is one of the most powerful ways of showing love. To be good listeners we must give up lectures, advice and sermons. Instead try to understand things from the other person's point of view. Accept the other person's feelings and views.
Listen beyond words and pay attention to body talk as well. It is important that you attend fully if you want to show understanding. The way people look at a point in time reflects their inner state of being. Posture, tone of voice, gesticulation, gaze and so on, all have some bit of information that put together, help us make a clearer picture of what the other person is going through.
Finally, it is essential to show your understanding. Acknowledge the person's feelings and thoughts. Accept that feeling. Feelings are not a question of agreeing or disagreeing. They are internal responses to one's experiences and they are correct and right for that person. Make sure you respect that the person's feelings are very special to that person. Invite more discussion if you think it is necessary.
• The last part of this article will follow next week.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.