Sheikh, rattle and roll

Please, Sheikh, Your Excellency, Sire... do sit down. You'll notice we've had the floor cleared of all encumbrances like... furniture. So please... sit or squat, or whatever it is you chaps do. I know you don't go in for decadent and Western accoutrements such as chairs, so feel free to pop your er... posterior anywhere you like on the floor.

(Grunt)

And before we go any further, let me say how honoured I am... indeed we all are, to welcome you and your money... I mean your IT city... to Malta. I'm sorry our own sheikh isn't here to greet you, but I understand Sheikhet Austin has been held up, since he's attending his own beatification ceremony. So I hope you won't mind if I host you, at least until he is able to manifest himself.

(Grunt)

And before we go any further, Your Omnipotence, just let me give Chef his instructions for your lunch. How do you like your sheep's eyes... winking at you?

(Grunt)

Oh now where are my manners? I haven't offered Your Sheikhiness a drink now, have I? What will it be? Tea, coffee, goat's, sheep's or camel's milk? I know you chaps don't touch alcohol, do you?... Scotch! OK fine, any particular brand?

(Grunt)

Yes, I think we can run to Glenfiddich. With ice?

(Grunt)

I see... just another measure on top. I'll, er, put it in a bigger glass, shall I? That one? That's a pint tankard. OK, no problem. So, er... chin-chin!

(Grunt)

Top the sheikh's glass up again, will you? So... now we've met, it's time to introduce ourselves properly... so to speak. I am the chief executive here at Smart City and my name's Charles, but you can call me Charlie. And you are?

(Grunt)

Did I catch that correctly, um... Sheikh Ahmed Ben... and all the rest of it. But now that we've practically become bosom buddies... in the half hour we've been together. What's your Christian... er, first name?

(Grunt)

Osama, eh? What a coinc... So, may I call you... Your Majesty, OK, fine. Why stand on ceremony, eh? Another Scotch?

(Grunt)

Would you... A pint, was it?

Right, now shall we do the tour of Smart City before lunch? Cos I can't see us doing much after lunch, if you carry on like that... em.

(Grunt)

Oh no, shouldn't take us long. As you can see, it's early days. Not so much a city... more a pile of rubble, but we'll get there... some day. That area over there... yes, the very big area... that's the space we've allocated for luxury palazzos and villas. Naturally you will be purchasing one... and even more naturally it will be the biggest and most expensive. How does seven million euros grab you?

Of course it will come complete with hot and cold running Glenfiddich, 38 bedrooms, all with bathrooms en suite. Sixteen reception rooms, 24-car garage, landing strip for your Learjet, helipad, stables for your camels, 24-hour security, 24/7 services of a masseur and a granny palazzo thrown in for good measure. Oh yes, and the purchase of your property also entitles you to life membership of the - soon to be built - Ricasoli Golf Club, free berthing facilities for your fleet of yachts, your own exclusive table at all of the Smart City gourmet restaurants and half-price entry to The Malta Experience.

And if you cast your eyes over to the left... yes that's it, beyond the abandoned film set and just in front of the derelict container depot, that is where the Ricasoli Golf Club is to be built... and beyond that the Ricasoli polo club.

IT factories? Yes, well... Em, oh, I expect we'll even get round to building a few of those some day. Impressive, isn't it? Or I should say... it will be... one day.

(Grunt)

Oh dear... Yes, well, I think you'd better tell Sheikhet Austin that yourself. Please... don't shoot the messenger.