Old Bores' Almanack 2007

Yes, you lucky people. Yet again sylvanus is going to gaze knowingly into the future and predict - with total inaccuracy - precisely what's going to happen in Malta - or not - during 2007.

January:

The Chicken Pluckers' Section within the GWU becomes the latest to defect. They decide to leave and set up their own union, the Federation of Chicken Pluckers (and be careful how you say it.)

Tony Zarb remarks: "Good riddance, who needs them, anyway?"

Sensation: The PM, as if to disprove the theory that there is more culture in a pot of yoghourt than there is in the whole of the Cabinet, is seen entering the St James Cavalier Centre for the Arts.

Sorry: False alarm. Apparently by mistake he turned right instead of left when leaving Castille and went into St James, when he had intended visiting the Stock Exchange opposite... whoops!

Gianni Zammit says he'll sue Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat) in court, for stealing his idea.

In the wake of the continuing crippling electricity surcharge, 34 per cent of all homes in the Maltese Islands revert to oil lamps and candles.

February:

Ic-Caqnu buys the Phoenicia Hotel, demolishes it and replaces it with garages, showrooms and apartments.

In a stinging response to the competition from Ryanair, Air Malta cut their ticket price to 10 per cent below the cheapest Ryanair fare... They also announce that in addition to this they will continue to serve their disgusting in-flight meals to all their passengers.

Next day, 74 per cent of all Air Malta passengers cancel their reservations.

Mary Spiteri wins Malta's Song for Europe contest, with a song called Little Crone.

The Park-and-Ride scheme introduces a fee of 50c return for using the service.

March:

The Corpse Embalmers' Section and Abattoir Workers within the GWU defect to the UHM (Undertakers, Helpers and Meatpackers).

George Pullicino and Chiara vehemently deny media reports that they are both suffering from anorexia.

The MTA announce a completely new tourism branding initiative. They are to drop "Brand Malta" and introduce a totally new concept: "Product Malta".

Tourism figures fall for the 20th month in a row.

Manwel Cuschieri to present an anonymous late-night phone-in programme on Super 1 Radio, which will be called: "It's better you don't know who I am."

April:

The Broadcasting Authority makes a ruling that is both respected and upheld by both the main political parties.

OK, it's an April fool! No, of course it could never happen.

George Michael to play a live concert in Malta. However, he refuses to play at either Luxol or on the Fosos and chooses instead to perform in the public WCs near City Gate.

Ic-Caqnu buys Castille, demolishes it and replaces it with garages, showrooms and apartments.

Alfred Sant is granted the Malta agency for Viagra.

May:

In Italy, Romano Prodi's government loses a vote of confidence and falls.

A coalition led by the Green Party succeeds him and... by a process of elimination... Arnold Cassola gets to become prime minister of Italy!

Frank Salt contributes an article to The Times that contains an original, unpatronising thought. Now that is news.

For the first time ever Malta fails to make the finals of the Eurovision Song Contest.

As a result, the President of the Republic orders 40 days of public mourning. Flags flown at half-mast and effigies of Dame Mary Spiteri burnt in public squares.

Malta's suicide rate goes through the roof.

Shops and showrooms start filling up with Christmas goods and decorations.

Is this a record?

June:

The Fish Filleters' Section within the GWU announce that they are leaving the union and setting up a union of their own.

As a reaction to this, Tony Zarb says: "I didn't even know we had a fish whatever section? So like I give a toss!"

The tangible effects of global warming are experienced when children are observed boiling eggs in the sea off the Sliema Chalet.

After treatment with a revolutionary new fertility drug, a 94-year-old woman from Swieqi gives birth to a three-kilo baby girl. Which raises the intriguing question: Who, in his right mind, would have had it off with a 94-year-old woman, in the first place?

The Park-and-Ride scheme raises the fare to Lm1.50 return.

July:

Ic-Caqnu buys the Palace in Valletta, demolishes it and replaces it with garages, showrooms and apartments.

A perimeter fence is erected all around Ta' Cenc.

It isn't immediately clear whether this to keep ramblers out... or to keep Victor Borg in and prevent him getting out and raping the rest of what's left of Gozo.

Joe Mizzi strikes oil in his back garden, but isn't telling anybody until Labour gets returned to power.

Mintoff starts court proceedings against the WSC for not watering his fruit trees properly.

August:

All members of the Condom Renovators Section of the GWU leave the union and form their own union, to be called SCREW (the Society for Condom Re-Energising Workers).

Tony Zarb says: "My conscience is clear" (whatever that means).

The first IT factory opens in Smart City employing 15 workers. Austin Gatt hails it as proof of the government's seriousness in the matter.

Prosit Austin: Fifteen workers eh? Only another 4,985 to go.

A heritage safari park is opened at Ta' Qali containing antelope, deer, vultures and exotic tropical birds.

Two days later a tender is issued for restocking the park, after hunters wipe out the entire population of animals and birds.

The Park-and-Ride scheme raises the fare to Lm3 return.

September:

In the wake of the golf course fiasco, Ic-Caqnu buys up the whole of Ix-Xaghra l-Hamra and builds on it... garages, showrooms and apartments.

In a totally unexpected move, the PM calls a snap general election. Which is won by... Alternativa Demokratika, because everybody is so p****d off with the mainstream parties.

Prime Minister Harry Vassallo's first act is to impose a total ban on hunting in the Maltese Islands.

Next day, the new PM escapes unhurt in an assassination attempt outside Castille. The hunters' federation denies all knowledge of the attack.

October:

October 1: After yet another electoral defeat Alfred Sant resigns as leader of the MLP.

October 2: Alfred Sant changes his mind and decides to stay on as leader of the MLP.

On the other hand, ex-PM Gonzi is more decisive and... as is his wont... decides not to do anything about resigning, for the time being, at least not until he's made up his mind... (Don't hold your breath... Ed)

Large fish spotted off Qawra.
The GWU denies that it is Tony Zarb taking a dip.

November:

The Toilet Paper Manufacturing Workers' Section of the GWU decide to leave the union and set their own union FAECES (Federation of Anal Excrement Cleaning Executive Services). Tony Zarb comments: "A**holes to the lot of them!"

Two 12-year-old members of the Brigata Laburista fail their secret service screening test and are demoted to second and third bugler on the left.

Ic-Caqnu buys Gozo, bulldozes it flat and builds all over it... yes, you guessed it... garages, showrooms and apartments.

The Park-and-Ride scheme raises the fare to Lm10 return... plus VAT and a Lm2 bus stop charge.

December:

Since he is now the sole remaining member of the GWU, Tony Zarb decides to change its name to the Socialist Haven Invoked by Tony Zarb (SHITZ).

Ic-Caqnu applies to MEPA for permits to develop all the development he's developed in the past year... er

Mintoff plans a political comeback... (just kidding... I hope).

Gozo secedes from the EU and declares UDI under President Austin IT Gatt and Prime Minister Giovanna Photo-op Debono.