Gift horses

"MUMMY, is there really a Christmas Father?"

"Yes of course there is, sweetheart. Why?"

"Only my friend Brad at school told me there isn't."

"Well, Brad is a very silly little boy. Of course there's a Christmas Father. Who else could afford to bring you the latest Playstation games every year?"

"You and Pa could, for a start."

"Well maybe, but... it's the Christmas Father who brings them, and that's that. So, have you decided what you want him to bring you this year."

"Yes and I already told Pa. I reckoned it was useless telling you."

"Why?"

"Cos you wouldn't know what an AK-47 was."

"A what?"

"Never mind."

"No, I want to know."

"It's an... an assault rifle. Like the ones the insurgents are using in Iraq and Afghanistan."

"Good grief! Why on earth do you want one of those?"

"To blow away Michael Palatini Grech."

"But I thought he was a friend of yours?"

"No way. He tried to steal my book."

"Which book?"

"My football book,"

"You've got dozens, which one?"

"The one by Marco Materazzi: How to get your opponent sent off, in one easy lesson."

"Well, if you don't mind me saying so... blowing away... or whatever you call it... Michael Palatini Grech is rather extreme retribution, don't you think?"

"Actually it's the lesser of two evils."

"What on earth do you mean?"

"Daddy talked me out of giving him a suicide bomber kit."

"I'm very pleased to hear it. But what has all this got to do with whether there is or isn't a Christmas Father?"

"Everything. Cos if there is a Christmas Father, the origin of the weapon will be untraceable. But... if you and Pa are involved, you might get sent down with me for aiding and abetting. And, while you can both be a pain in the ass at times, I don't think you deserve to end up in the slammer on account of me."

"Oh how sweet. I knew there must be some good in you somewhere... whatever your teacher says."

"Why? What does the bitch say?"

"That's no way to talk about Miss Coleiro, she's been very patient with you... up to now."

"Fat slag! If she's been bad-mouthing me behind my back, she's next on the hit list u daqshekk."

"You know, Kevin, I think that maybe sometimes your daddy and I indulge you far too much."

"What does indulge mean?"

"Give in to your often rather unpleasant whims."

"What's unpleasant about topping Michael Palatino Grech... and Miss ******* Coleiro? We'd be doing the world a favour."

"To get back to Christmas. Wouldn't you like the Christmas Father to bring you a nice new computer game, or maybe an Inter replica strip, or - "

"No, Mummy, I don't want any of that s***! I've outgrown it. But if you... or the Christmas Father are going to quibble over the gun, I'll settle for a few hundred grand in the Swiss bank account you're going to open for me, a Harley and a speedboat."

"Gulp! Erm... well, precious, I don't know if Daddy... er, the Christmas Father can afford those sort of presents."

"Boll****! He must be loaded, if he's bringing toys and other stuff to all the kids in the world. He probably gets both an EU and a United Nations grant. So that's what I want, OK?"

"Yes, alright... we'll see."

"Oh no we won't. It's yes or no. Which is it to be?"

"Look I'll speak to... Christmas Father about the Swiss bank account. But I think I can say for certain that it will be no to the motorbike and the boat...

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Oh now Kevin, darling, please don't cry. You know how much that upsets Mummy. And try not to kick the furniture; it cost Daddy a fortune to get it shipped from Sotheby's. And anyway, sweetheart, at eight years old you're not going to be able either to reach the foot pedals of the motorbike or see over the wheel of the speedboat, so forget it and run along and play outside in the rush-hour traffic, there's a good boy."