Herd in the hide

In a ceremony at The Jolly Porker vegan restaurant, Benghajsa, recently, Ms Ivy Degiorgio Bunt Degiorgio, principal and chief beneficiary of the Ivy Degiorgio Bunt Degiorgio Slimming Academy (17th from left in the above photograph), told assembled slimmers and guests that the outright winner of the Ivy Degiorgio Bunt Degiorgio Slimming Academy's Slimmer-of-the-Decade award was Mrs Sylvana Tanti Squitte, aged 42. Mrs Tanti Squitte had incredibly managed to slim down from a gargantuan 170 kilos to a minuscule 29 kilos in less than a year. Prosit, Mrs Tanti Squitte!

Sadly, Ms Degiorgio Bunt Degiorgio was unable to present the Slimmer of the Decade (a whole year's supply of diet custard) to Mrs Tanti Squitte since... although Mrs Tanti Squitte was known to be present at the award ceremony, she has slimmed down so much... she was no longer visible.

Noxious Products Ltd launch new fragrance

All of the glitterati of Malta were present in the Fabrizio Faniello Suite of the Palace Hotel, San Gwann, for the celebrity launch, by Malta agents Noxious Products Ltd, of a brand new fragrance from Philippe Malodore of Paris of the prestigious perfumery's brand new fragrance, Revulsion.

The fragrance is said to be redolent of the musky aroma of wet Labrador, coupled with a haunting hint of diesel fuel... and with just a subtle dash of crushed molluscs - ideal for a sophisticated evening in the cab of a smoke-filled truck.

Numerous celebrities were present for the launch, which was addressed by Mlle Yvette Decompossé, European sales co-ordinator for Philippe Malodore.

Present were Professor and Mrs Degaetano Springfield, Madame Justice Ciangura Sant and toyboy, Ms Evita Slappe Gatt, hostess of Trash TV's afternoon magazine programme Siesta, singing star Iva Moscow and at least two others... whose names escape me.

On leaving, each lady was handed a presentation sample of Revulsion... one or two even accepted it.

Night of a thousand stars at Villa Temptress

The crème de la crème of Malta's artistes and culturally endowed gathered at Villa Temptress recently for the launch of their hostess Madame Frangipani Temptress's summer exhibition.

After consuming vast quantities of undrinkable screech and devouring platefuls of cut-price canapés, the most distinguished of the crème posed in an embarrassed line-up for an excruciating photograph, accompanied by their hostess (37th from the left in diaphanous tulle and laughing "gaily").

The evening was brought to an appropriate ending when all the guests escaped to their cars for both a quick getaway and/or regurgitation.

People

Anthony Borg Borg, aged 34 of San Gwann, is soon to return from a successful three-month course in wild bird recognition at the University of Uppsala. On his return to Malta Mr Borg Borg will take up an appointment with the Hunters, Trappers and "Conservationists" Association, where his new-found knowledge should prove invaluable.

Eloise Brincat Doublesin, aged four and a half, placed a creditable 143rd out of 144, in a recent Little Miss EU Personality Contest in Grianov, Bulgaria. She is now expected to go on to even better things. (she could hardly go on to worse... Ed)

For your diary

Next Wednesday the Heaven-Next-Stop Retirement Home Break-Dance Society will be holding their annual break-dance marathon in the orthopaedic ward of St Luke's Hospital. Music will be provided by Alfio Speranza, resident deejay at Zimmers, the Heaven Next Stop disco. All are welcome. Qualified orthopaedic nurses will be on hand to cope with any unforeseen emergencies.

There will be a meeting of the San Gwann Lodge of the Worshipful Company of Freemasons next - we're not telling - in - mind your own business, where a knobbly-knee contest will be held. Nobody (other than bona fide fully paid-up masons) is welcome.

There will be a meeting of the Al 'Johnson' (sic) Society at Dar l-Emigranti next Saturday at 6 p.m. All Al 'Johnson' impersonators are welcome to participate in a look-alike contest. But, due to the fact that all will be blacked-up, every potential contestant must first undertake a DNA test to establish identity. No blacks (real ones) allowed. Bring your own burnt cork.