I'm Sylvanus - fly me

Forget Ryanair, Erase Easyjet from your consciousness, plus Cheapojet, Eject Air, etc... because I have now started a low-fare airline and it's entirely Maltese-owned (well, a Maltese bank is financing it) and -run.

Yes, I am starting my very own economy airline, Seatofpants Airways. And it will get you from A to A for a fraction of the cost of the other knockdown cowboys. From January 1, 2007 I shall be offering return flights for the risible price of - wait for it - Lm10 a head. Yes, for just a tenner you can book a return flight from Malta to mega-centres of civilisation like Stornaway, Rockall, Reykjavik, Timbuktu, Khartoum and Mogadishu.

Wow! I hear you say: How can he do it? Simple, I'm an idiot. An idiot with inexhaustible funds (it's amazing how easy it is to con a supposedly respectable bank to lend vast sums of money... if you really want to), who just wants to make life and in particular... travel, a little pleasanter and a lot more affordable for my fellow human beings.

And when you book a flight with Seatofpants Airways and you would like a seat with a view... no problem. Simply book early (or if you prefer to book online, our Website address appears at the end of this advertorial) and tell the disembodied electronic voice on the end of the line that you would like a seat with a view. And you will be given a bench directly above the small tear in the fuselage. Just look down... voilà, a view!

http://www.seatofpantsairways.com

We even do in-flight refreshments. Just pop up to the sharp end of the airliner (well, OK, two-engined biplane) and ask the chief steward/captain for a cup of tea. And if he's in a good mood, he might even give you a slurp from his thermos. Oh but please do bring your own plastic beaker - he absolutely refuses to lend his.

I'm afraid we don't do in-flight meals, but if you've ever endured a trayful of that slop that Air Malta serves up on a routine basis, you'll be grateful for that fact.

But our commitment to service and efficiency doesn't end with a shared teabag. Oh no, Seatofpants Airways also offers - for a small extra charge - a luggage recovery service. So if we... no sorry, when we lose your luggage, we'll do our best to track it down and if possible even return it to you... at another small extra charge.

And, believe it or not, we at Seatofpants Airways will even take care of your close dependants if, God forbid, the plane runs out of fuel over the Sahara, or the rubber band breaks, or the plane turns turtle 'cos too many passengers leave their seats at the same time to moan to the chief steward/captain. Oh yes we, as a company, guarantee to send the dependants of each and every victim... a postcard saying: Sorry!

And that's not all. Ever mindful of the comfort of our passengers we have installed in every one of our aircraft full toilet facilities. The fact that there is no washroom is no problem. Because if a passenger wants to take a leak, no sweat... our chief steward/captain will pass among them, at regular intervals, with a bucket.

One thing I will admit: at this stage we have not completed negotiations about landing fees with the various airports we'll visit. In fact we're almost certain to put plan B into practice. This may involve, at least initially, a little discomfort when taking off or coming in to land. But believe me, landing in a field adjacent to the airport is a hell of a lot cheaper... and much more fun.

So, like I say, if we can bribe a couple of officials to issue airworthiness certificates to our fleet of airliners... OK, our two 1936 vintage Dragon Rapide biplanes, we'll be up and running (if not actually up and flying) come January 2007. Book now to avoid disappointment.