'All I wanted to do was die'

Helen Vella, who failed in her suicide attempt two years ago, yesterday gave an emotional, courageous account of her experience. This is her story.

Suicide affects people from different walks of life. I am one of the lucky ones who survived.

Two years before my attempted suicide I suffered from depression. At the time I just thought it was a phase of menopause, but results were negative. However, I didn't tell the doctor about my moods.

Before depression set in, I was a very active person; I enjoyed life, being a mother, a wife, a friend and doing lots of activities. But when these down episodes hit me, it was like having the energy and life sucked out of me. I just existed and had no interest in anything at all. Then, when the down episodes passed, it was like someone had turned a power switch on and I would be full of life; there was nothing stopping me doing so many things in one day. I survived on very little sleep, sometimes staying awake for more than 24 hours; I was so full of energy. During these periods I thought it was the old me returning, but they never lasted long enough.

Without going into the full details of my attempted suicide, what I can say is that during the weeks leading up to it I was busy planning for Christmas. Christmas was great and we all enjoyed it. But the day after, depression set in. I can't really say that I woke up and had thoughts of suicide, but I knew depression was there again. Someone said something that greatly upset me and once I was left alone my mind just went into overdrive and all I wanted to do was die. I left the house and went somewhere and tried to take my own life.

I ended up in emergency and was a patient at St Luke's Hospital. That's when I started to receive professional help. One vivid memory I have of my first days at hospital was when the priest was doing his daily rounds. I noticed him talking to the nurses and looking my way. I could tell they were talking about me. The priest went to every patient in the ward and offered them Holy Communion, but he bypassed me. I cried into my pillow and thought that even God was turning away from me. I couldn't understand why the priest never came to speak to me, offer me help, or support me in some way or say a prayer with me. But I prayed on my own and still kept my faith...

I was diagnosed as manic depressive. These were only words to me and I thought to myself: Well that's it; I'm a crazy, depressive woman... As time wore on I continued experiencing down episodes, with the last one lasting for eight months.

My friends tried to keep in contact, but I guess most thought I was hopeless and they felt they couldn't communicate with me anymore. One friend stood by me... My family was hurt and just didn't know what or how they could help. They were also very angry with me for attempting suicide, but still had no understanding of what I was going through...

I didn't like the person I had become and I knew I had to do something to be the person I once was. I decided to see my family doctor and he referred me to a private psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I told him the hospital had diagnosed me as manic depressive, but he explained they were the same thing. He went to great lengths to explain to me what was happening. When I thought I was in a good mood I was actually experiencing the highs, which were part of the depression. He prescribed lithium and within a matter of three to four weeks my moods were getting better. I was becoming balanced at last. At the same time I searched the internet for more information and also came across the Richmond Foundation at a health fair in Naxxar...

I now recognise the signs so I know what I need to do to maintain balance. Since being on lithium I haven't experienced one down or high episode in two years. I have successfully regained full-time employment, have become a facilitator for an English self-help group experiencing mental health problems, and I am living each day the best way I can.

My message to you is if you are suffering from depression or you know someone who does, don't just take a back seat and think it will pass. Seek professional help as soon as possible... What I would like to see happen here is the family and careers becoming part of the healing process... I would also like to see more dialogue between the hospital or private psychiatrists and the patient's family doctor so that they would know the patient's history and ongoing treatment."