Pain of death tempered by thoughts of new life

Sitting around the kitchen table the two expectant mothers giggled as they reflected on how they would soon be cradling a newborn, more than 14 years after their last child.

Until a year ago, babies were the last thing on the minds of Nathalie Magro, 39, and Josette Vella, 42. Both were actually preparing for the emotional moment when their teenage children would leave the roost.

But a horrible traffic accident on October 2, 2005 shattered their plans and robbed the lives of their two sons Fabio Magro, 16, and Osvaldo Vella, 17.

The two, together with Christian Camilleri, 17, Marco Abdilla, 17, and David Sacco, 13 - all from Qrendi - died in Malta's worst traffic accident along the road leading from Rabat to Zebbug.

That day, the parents had their minds at rest that their sons would be returning home in an organised minivan. But when the boys' transport never showed up they accepted a lift from Anton Cassar. The driver and two other passengers survived the dramatic crash.

On Sunday, the families and practically all of Qrendi gathered at the parish church to mark the first anniversary of an accident that had left the island reeling in shock.

Seeing their sons' friends at the Mass, all grown up by a year and their life ahead of them, only served to reopen the wounds of pain, suffering and anger.

The smiles on the faces of Mrs Magro and Mrs Vella are replaced with a frown as they relive the entire sequence of events that started when the police knocked on their door at 3 a.m. a year ago to give them the bad news.

In between tears, laughter and moments of blank expressions, Mrs Magro and Mrs Vella share their feelings of loss and anticipation of a new baby with The Times.

"The dreams are destroyed. Nowadays, I fear committing myself to anything. I was blessed with such a good, well-behaved boy," Mrs Vella said, her brown eyes staring into space. Mrs Magro nods admitting that the accident has forced her to live a day at a time and accept the fact that every well-thought out plan could change overnight.

The one thing that both women planned was their pregnancy. They insist that nothing will ever fill the void left behind by their sons, but the anticipation of a newborn was already helping to lift the invisible veil of perpetual mourning that hangs over the house.

"The baby in my womb is not Osvald and never will be," Mrs Vella said.

Mrs Magro agreed and said that Fabio was in her thoughts all the time, from the second she woke up and prepared one school lunch, instead of two, to the moment she went to sleep without having heard his boisterous voice.

Both mothers have a daughter left - Mary Grace Vella, 16, and Josefa Magro, 14. Their biggest fear is that whenever their girls go out, they may never return, but they admit that they are not the rulers of life and it was useless being over-protective and trying to keep them in.

"Mary Grace was joking around the other day saying that when we take the baby out for a walk, we'll say she's the mother and I'm the grandma to spare him the embarrassment," Mrs Vella said laughing, diverting her thoughts to happier moments.

Mrs Magro said that her daughter was initially against the idea of a new baby, but she was now excitedly helping her with the chores and preparing for the newborn.

If the baby is a girl, Josefa wants her to sleep in her room. Mrs Magro is a bit reluctant to let anyone take over Fabio's bedroom, which has been left exactly the way he left it before he had rushed out of the house to go to the barbecue.

Fabio was set to start Junior College two days after the accident. His new black Converse haversack lies unused on a chair and his schoolbooks remain neatly stacked on the spare bed. Football trophies line the top shelf of his desk and medals, awarded for his athletic prowess, hang around the neck of a cuddly bear.

"Everything is as he left it. His clothes are still hanging in the wardrobe and I have no plans to give them away. I don't wish to disturb the room just yet. When the baby grows up we'll see," Mrs Magro said.

Before the accident the two mothers had already braced themselves for the day when their sons would leave home - Fabio wanted to study hotel management abroad, while Osvald wanted to pursue his IT studies in Wales.

They just never dreamt the boys would leave so abruptly.

"When you are a full-time housewife and your children leave home, you become jobless - I guess we're now back to being workers round the clock again," Mrs Vella said, managing a smile.