Does the following scene sound familiar?
A smartly dressed woman is browsing the hangers in a fashion boutique. After a while she takes a top off a hanger and approaches a trendily dressed salesgirl, behind the counter.
Salesgirl: (You can tell she's a salesgirl because her eyes are totally dead. Nothing lives behind that mascara): Yesssssssssssssssssss?
Customer: Oh yes hi... um: I rather like this top, but do you have it in white or cream?
Salesgirl: Wait! (She turns to a second salesgirl) It's up to him eh. He said he'd phone, so why must I do so?
Customer: In white, if you have. Or cream, maybe you -
Salesgirl: Wait! So I must phone him? Huh! Ghandu cans!
Customer: I'm sorry but - Are you serving?
Salesgirl: What? Oh no, just because he got wire wheels on his car and a tattoo. How do I know he got one? Ghax I seen it eh. On his patata.
(Her mobile phone rings)(She answers it - loudly - very loudly) 'Allo!
Customer: Is there someone else who could perhaps... I do rather like the style, it's just the colour that -
Salesgirl: (To customer) Wait! Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? U le xejn, ghandi n-nies. U le kompli. Ghijdli -
The customer gives up, places the top on the counter and leaves the shop.
Well does it sound familiar? Yes of course it does. It's an everyday occurrence here in 'no service' Malta.
And how about this scene?
A young smart/casual Maltese man alights from his car and approaches an elderly British couple on Bugibba promenade.
Tout: Hello sir... lady! You are English, I think eh?
Man: Well yes um...
Tout: And you are making nice holidays (sic) here in sunny Malta eh?
Man: Well yes um...
Tout: And you are staying here... in beautiful Bugibba?
Man: Well yes um...
Tout: It is so beautiful here... in sunny Malta eh?
Man: Well yes it's...
Tout: And your hotel, she is nice also?
Man: Well yes it's...
Tout: So I think you like it here... in sunny Malta eh?
Man: Well we...
Tout: And I - 'scuse me. My name it is Gianni... John. How do you do (handshakes all round) and I show you how you have you own place here in sunny Malta for two weeks every year. You own place! You like that eh?
Man: Well not really um...
Woman: (The man's wife comes alive) Next year we was planning to go to Tenerife.
Tout: But if you got your own place and really cheap ta, you don't need go Tenerife is it? Come, I show you this beautiful flats, where you can make holiday here in sunny Malta, two weeks every year.
Man: You're selling timeshare.
Tout: Me? No... not selling, I give it to you, from my heart. So cheap you don't must say no to Gianni. Come, I show you.
Man: Er... no thank you.
Tout: Not far ta. Get in my car, I show you.
Woman: No thank you. We don't want timeshare.
Man: We can't afford it for a start.
Woman: And we don't want it, thank you. And we don't even want to see it. Now please go away and stop pestering us.
Tout: F*** ihfr ghandekk!
Exit tout left... exit elderly couple right.
And finally, what about this beauty? A middle-aged French couple boards a bus in Valletta.
Frenchman opening his wallet in front of the Neanderthal bus driver.
Frenchman: 'ello please. 'ow much is two, yes two peoples to er 'Kworer'?
Maltese women passenger (Helpfully): Qawra.
Frenchman: Sank you. How much please?
Bus driver: (Emits an indecipherable stream of guttural expletives)
Frenchman: Excuse me please?
Bus Driver: (Eying the wallet greedily) How much you got?
(The Frenchman rather stupidly hands the wallet to the bus driver)
Frenchman: Please take 'ow much I must pay.
(Driver removes a two pound note from the wallet, then looks up)
Bus Driver: You is one or two?
Frenchman: Er two, myself and my ah wife.
(The bus driver removes a fiver from the Frenchman's wallet and replaces the two pound note in the wallet).
Bus Driver: (Magnanimously) Change.
Frenchman: Ah merci... sank you.
Yes, come to Malta... Island of sun, sea, smiles, sloths, sharks and shysters.