Herd in the Hide

Elvira's Disco and Tapas Bar's gerbil-spaying marathon raises record Lm12.42 for the Community Crust Fund

The proprietor of Elvira's in Balls Street, Paceville, Dominic Insanito Pace (pictured grinning above, 57th from the left) recently presented a cheque for Lm12.42 to Miss Glorianne Demanuele Sant (56th from the left). The money was the proceeds after expenses (Well, you didn't think he was going to hand it all over, did you?) of a recent record-breaking gerbil-spaying marathon at Elvira's.

In all, a total of 437 gerbils were reduced to the state of disinterested onlookers in the course of the marathon, which attracted the participation of several celebrities. Among these were Ira Losco (who exhibited a nifty hand with spaying tongs), the Hon. George Pullicino, Grace Borg, Tony Zarb and Richard Gere (naturally).

Malta Week in the Falkland Islands

From one archipelago to another: Malta moved to centre stage in the Falkland Islands recently, when Malta Week was staged in the Empire Nissen hut in Port Stanley.

Residents of the capital village were able to enjoy Maltese delicacies like hobz biz-zejt, bebbux, bigilla and all washed down with gutrot homemade wine from Leli bhall-Ghawdxin's wine bar and liver therapy emporium, San Gwann.

The leader of the Maltese delegation, Andrew Lombardi Calleja, said: "Malta's high profile in the Malvinas would certainly lead to an increase in business activity between the two island states. They had much in common having both recently managed to cast off the yoke of oppressive foreign domination." Representatives of the Falkland Islands Legislative Council were at pains to point out that Mr Lombardi Calleja's remarks had absolutely nothing whatever to do with his immediate deportation.

Maltese model attains worldwide success

Lorelei Spiteri Gruber, daughter of Mr and Mrs Spiteri Gruber of San Gwann, was recently voted international superstar model of the year at the Evelyn Frump Model Agency, San Gwann.

The principal of the Evelyn Frump Model Agency, Evelyn Frump Tabone, opined that this was great news for both Ms Spiteri Gruber and the Evelyn Frump Model Agency. She said: "This means that Lorelei now has the opportunity to compete for the title World Superstar Model of the Year... South East Wales section, next month at the Tybach Ballroom and Balti House Merthyr Tydfil."

Ms Frump Tabone added: "All she has to do is beat off the challenge of a further 761 aspiring superstar models. This is a big chance for Lorelei and the Evelyn Frump Model Agency."

For her big day Ms Spiteri Gruber will be accompanied on her quest for worldwide fame and fortune by Ms Frump Tabone, Maria Alvarez Borg (hairstylist), Adrienne Delicata Felice (personal make-up artist), Rita Caruana Lia (deportment coach) and Kurt Scicluna Tonna (stud).

In the anticipation that Ms Spiteri Gruber will win the contest a welcoming reception at MIA is being organised by friends of Ms Spiteri Gruber and the Evelyn Frump Model Agency. (Don't hold your breath... Ed)

People

Eighty-two-year-old Doris Pizzuto Azzopardi of San Gwann recently graduated O-level GCSE in DIY embalming at the University of the Third Age, Wyoming. In a statement, Ms Pizzuto Azzopardi said: "I only did it to make my parents proud of me."

For your diary

The Malta branch of the Flat Earth Society will be holding a meeting on Thursday in the Roundhouse, San Gwann, where they will be addressed by the president of the Melbourne branch on "Australia, Life on the Edge".

The St Julian's over-70s ladies mud-wrestling club will be holding a get-together... no holds barred... at the San Gwann off-roaders course next Wednesday. Wellies are optional but are not, repeat not... to be used as missiles.

The Gozo brunch of MENSA will be holding a Spelling 'Boo' at the Civac Cantre, Ghajnslalom next Tiesday. All MENSA mumbers are wolcame.

Correction
In last week's piece about the new phallic sculpture on the roundabout near Luqa, the final sentence should have read: "The erection was paid for out of 'public' subscription." We regret the unfortunate omission of the letter 'l'.