Surveys and statistics tell us that still the most loathed sector of society is... not politicians, neither the legal fraternity, nor even we journalists but... yes, yet again, the position is held by estate agents... or as I prefer to call them, property salespeople. Some time ago I did a piece on the euphemisms employed by house sellers and what they really mean. Well, tempus fugit and our friends in the building-flogging business have come up with a whole new set of descriptions of houses, etc... to con us, the general public, into buying today's jerry-built hell-holes.
And so I, Sylvanus... open the lid on this iniquitous practice and expose, yet again, the dodges employed in the property shark attack.
For example: When you see an ad that reads: "Garage optional"... this of course means: "For another Lm100,000 you can actually park your car near your home."
Got the idea? Now read on...
Optional garage: If you don't take it, we'll let it as an aluminium workshop.
Available in shell form (1): Well at least the foundations have been dug.
Available in shell form (2): We're still waiting for the MEPA permit.
Fully finished: The roof is on.
Luxuriously finished: Price includes windows and doors.
Unconverted house of character: Pile of old stones.
Character dwelling: The roof leaks.
Near green area: Built without a permit.
Rustic features: Hot and cold running walls.
Rustic style: Damp.
Spectacular sea views: Damp.
Tranquil views: Overlooks a cemetery.
Quiet residential area: Overlooks a cemetery.
Luxury penthouse: Two conjoined washrooms on the roof.
Unobstructed country views: On a clear day you can see into your neighbour's yard.
Living/dining/kitchen/two beds: One-room flat.
Open plan: One-room flat.
Shower en suite: The roof leaks.
Lift optional: It's not been installed, but if you'd like one...
Private roof: As opposed to what?
Optional roof: Or open to all weathers?
Owner built: DIY gone mad.
Drastically reduced for quick sale: Buy now... get the permit later.
Clever use of space: Cramped.
Cosy: Cramped.
Good investment: Don't even think of living in it yourself.
Sought after area: Noisy.
Close to all amenities: Very Noisy.
In village core: Total bedlam.
Msida, ground-floor apartment: Houseboat.
Exclusive development: Overpriced.
Much sought after exclusive development: Ridiculously overpriced.
Prestigious property in upmarket area: Ludicrously overpriced.
Space for a swimming pool: If you bulldoze the kitchen.
Sole agent: Nobody else wanted it.
Secluded: In the back of beyond.
Very secluded: How does Filfla grab you?
In need of renovation: In need of bulldozing.
Requires minimal work to convert into beautiful house of character: In need of bulldozing.
Priced to sell: Cheap and nasty.
Ideal for first-time buyers: Cheaper and nastier.
Sixty-metre frontage: You're not buying a house, you're buying a bloody street.
Would make ideal summer residence: Cold, draughty and damp in winter.
Small central courtyard: Ventilation shaft.
Own airspace: Large ventilation shaft.
Bursting with epic features (I really did see that on one property ad): Large collection of blockbuster DVDs to be sold with the house.
Regretfully for sale: You mean you'd rather give it away?
Full of natural light: The curtains and furnishings will soon fade.
Partly converted farmhouse, with many original features: Earth floors, goat sh**, septic tank and dogs on roof.
Uniquely designed: An architectural disaster.
Authentic property: Yes I looked and it really is there.
A rare opportunity to acquire... At a totally extortionate price.
Malta's most prestigious address: You mean they're flogging San Anton Palace?
And before you ask. Yes, every single one of these is genuine and gleaned from this newspaper's property pages. Ho hum.