Yes it's me, Adriana... your friendly neighbourhood cynic. Back with another batch of your moans, groans and totally unjustified gripes. And for starters, how does this grab you? It's from a Ms Evelyn Fortinbras Borg of San Gwann.

Dear Friend of the friendless... (Yes, they get sadder by the minute.)

As a result of the severity of the past winter I recently purchased a fan heater. The salesman who sold it to me said it was the most advanced heater in the world... and beyond. It certainly looked very futuristic, but when I placed it in my lounge and switched it on, the following happened:

Within just four minutes my nearly new, second-hand Axminster carpet had been singed beyond repair, a hole the size of a lunar crater had been burnt right through the sofa, the cat was incinerated to a pile of ash and my husband rendered permanently sterile.

What do you advise me to do?

I replied thus:

Dear Ms Faultybrass Idiot: You really are a prize plonker, aren't you? What do I advise you to do? I'll tell you: Cut your losses, divorce your husband and scatter the cat on the roses.

The doltish demeanour of some of you defies belief. I recently received this complaint from a Mr DB of... San Gwann.

Sir! (Not yet, but I'm working on it)

I was recently admitted to the St Tracy Private Hospital for what, my professor assured me, would be a minor operation for the removal of a verruca on my left buttock.

However, somehow or other the bastard discovered that I have full medical assurance... So, when he had me on the operating table, he not only removed the offending verruca but also my spleen, half my liver, my left leg, my right testicle, several vertebra, 14 feet of small intestine, my right ear lobe, both wisdom teeth and my wallet.

He then sent me a bill for an amount that would easily purchase a des. Res. in Beverly Hills... with Olympic-size swimming pool.

Not surprisingly, my insurance company regard this as excessive and are refusing to pay.

What do you advise me to do?

My advice was:

Are you sure he didn't remove your brain as well? What an a***hole! Next time book yourself into the local abattoir. It's certainly cheaper and even if you do leave the premises in a freezer truck, at least you'll know your surviving relatives have got value for money.

On a positive note

I recently received this missive from a certain Mrs Avis Descartes Busuttil of San Gwann:

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you... (Once would have been enough, but your grovelling gratitude is well placed)

You recently advised me to try to persuade my 87-year-old mother to get out more and stop whingeing about her arthritis and all the quack remedies she's tried unsuccessfully.

Well not only did your advice work... it succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. In my previous letter I believe I forgot to mention that my mother was totally blind and stone deaf. So when she did get out... as you put it, she neither saw nor heard the truck bearing down upon her at 85 km per hour.

Naturally, by the time this same truck had finished with her, there was not a lot left of my 87-year-old mother. But there was a happy ending, the old bag was loaded and left everything to me.

So you see how good your advice was. I can never thank you enough. But I'll try... please find enclosed a one lira coin to be donated to next year's L-Istrina appeal... in the sure and certain hope that my little contribution to the Community Chest Fund will both go to a good cause and also win me a shopping trolley full of expensive... yet free white goods.

God bless you.

PS: If you don't give the Lm1 to the CCF I will know... and be round to your house to let down your car tyres and terrorise your wife. Be warned.

Oh yes, it's charitable heart-warming sh** like that which makes this job so worthwhile.

A.G.S.

Sign up to our free newsletters

Get the best updates straight to your inbox:
Please select at least one mailing list.

You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the link in the footer of our emails. We use Mailchimp as our marketing platform. By subscribing, you acknowledge that your information will be transferred to Mailchimp for processing.