Throwing up with the Joneses

"WHAT'S THAT, darling? I can't hear you over Daddy's snoring... You want what? You want Daddy to come and fetch you from Paceville? What happened to your car?... Too what... too drunk to drive. Oh... right.

"Yes of course, he's asleep in bed next to me. Well, it is a quarter to four in the morning darling. I can't pass him the phone, sweetheart, I told you he's fast...

"Oh I couldn't do that. You know how he gets when anyone wakes him up. Where are you anyway?...

"St Julian's police station. Oh I... What? What on earth are you doing there? Throwing what? Throwing up! But how... I mean what?...

"Twenty-seven vodka and Cokes! All by yourself? My goodness! No wonder you're feeling sick...

"Yes of course I'll wake Daddy... if I can. Hold the line, darling.

"Edgar! Edgar, it's Abigail... on the phone, here you speak to her."

"Gerrumf... teller... harrumf!"

"She wants to talk to you...

"Hello, darling... yes I know you do and I'm trying to wake him.

"Edgar! For goodness' sake! She's at St Julian's police station. Did you hear what I just said? St Julian's police station."

"Grumf... snort... burp!"

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Abigail, darling, are you still there? Daddy's dead to the world. I'll have to get dressed and come for you...

"What? Yes I know you don't trust my driving, but beggars can't be choosers, sweetheart. And besides, if you are still being sick all over the place, I don't think Daddy would be too pleased if you threw up all over his Mercedes...

"What's that?! Arrested? What on earth do they want to arrest you for?

"Darling, don't be silly... it's not a crime to be sick on a policeman's foot... Hit whom, precious? Well, there, I said when you went out, you should have taken a little evening bag. That great big thing is for every day... So where is the sergeant now?...

"Yes of course Daddy knows the minister. But just now he can't wake himself up let alone the minister...

"Well alright I'll try, but you know what he's like... always been a heavy sleeper, nothing wakes him.

"Edgar, wake up! Your daughter's been arrested for assaulting a policeman in Paceville. Do you want to have to tell all your friends you've got a daughter who's a criminal? She wants you to ring Tonio Borg right now, to get her off."

"Gurrunk... imptrop... flumff."

"Don't be silly, Edgar, I know you're awake and I know you can hear me. Your daughter, yes... your daughter could be going to jail for getting drunk and hitting a police sergeant with her handbag. She's still on the line... talk to her will you."

"Frrrrrunk!"

"Abigail, are you still... good. Look precious, Daddy's hopeless. He's out for the count. If you don't want me to fetch you, tell the nice policeman to order you a taxi."

"A night in the cells? What do you mean darling? No, no, no they can't do that. Tell them who you are darling. Tell them I'm a Bartolo Anastasi. They can't possibly arrest the daughter of a Bartolo Anastasi...

"Who is that? Oh, Sergeant... Not the one my daughter hit with a... Oh good. He's where? St Luke's? Well I'm sure that's the best place for him. Personally I wouldn't dream of setting foot in St Luke's, but there you go. Now what's all this nonsense about my daughter spending the night in the cells?...

"Look, I don't care what you claim she did... She is a girl of class and breeding. And her daddy is a very good friend of Tonio Borg. So you'd better release her, or you'll find yourself transferred to traffic duty on Comino.

"No, I'm afraid you can't talk to her father... he's... unavailable. Let me speak to my daughter again.

"Abigail, look the sergeant is telling me you will be charged with causing grievous bodily harm with a handbag tomorrow. Now whatever you do, when you get to court or wherever... just make sure you give a false name and address. Your daddy and I could never live down the shame if this ever gets into the papers. Nighty night, sweetheart."