Zimmer News

IN THE PAST 10 to 15 years there has been a glossy explosion here in Malta. Our newspapers, apart from bringing us news reports and features, have branched out as publishers of leisure magazines.

True, most of these are little more than advertising billboards... Indeed, in most cases it is difficult to find any article that hasn't been sponsored by a restaurant, food or clothes importer, travel agent or realtor. Obviously these flog-mags are aimed at people with a reasonable amount of spare cash... stands to reason. But one sector of the population with oodles of disposable income and any amount of time on their hands is... the aging and aged population.

The UK has recognised the potential of this lucrative market and consequently one enterprising publisher has come up with the idea of The Oldie, a glossy aimed specifically at the wrinkly population.

So I thought... why not here too? I mean, pensioners are on the increase... even here, people are living longer and are more affluent right into their dotage.

And - to take full advantage of this fact I intend to very soon launch the first issue of... what shall we call it? How about Zimmer News, or Speaking Up, or Incontinence Brief or - depending on which day it's published: Last Sunday? We'd blag it up as the glossy magazine for the trendy, aware senior citizen. A contradiction in terms, perhaps... but all's fair in today's marketplace.

But what of the content? Ah now... it should be quite obvious that the sort of stuff you could put into a UK or American mag for old people wouldn't work in a Maltese equivalent.

I intend this periodical to be a must-read for a wide spectrum of elderly readers, in other words... something for every Maltese pensioner. Oh and another thing: the print would be nice and large, so that even the most presbyopic reader would be able to read it.

As far as the lowest common denominator is concerned... we'd need to appeal to the old dears who spend their days either playing tombla or waiting for the 'private' to take them to their next political coffee morning. So I shall recruit a writer familiar with the vagaries of tombla and get her (it is unlikely to be a him) to contribute a monthly column along the lines of: How to win at tombla.

Then we'd get someone to scribble reviews of the best and worst coffee-mornings attended in the past month. Something along the lines of "Insipid coffee... infrequent, insufficient cakes... and ineffectual political speech." You get the idea.

We could also get a wrinkly a month to test drive the latest in Zimmerframe technology: "A little heavy when cornering at speed, but once you get up a head of steam on the flat... it cruises effortlessly with comparatively little chassis shake."

With advancing years the old memory gets a bit woozy. My new magazine can help in this department too. We'd run a regular column entitled: "Yesterday - the facts".

We'd also have to have a fashion page. Naturally we'd be right up-to-speed on all the latest developments in winceyette pyjamas, comfy slippers and incontinence undies.

As for advertising, there shouldn't be any problems there. All the private retirement and nursing homes should be falling over themselves to advertise with us. Then there are the monumental masons and undertakers whose market this surely is.

The drug importers could have a field day and I expect them to go to town with ads for rheumatism-relieving liniment, anti-dribbling pills and flatulence remedies.

Our features would have to appeal specifically to the geriatric market. So we could cash in on this with articles entitled: "I beat Alzheimer's... I just wish I could remember how." And: "How Viagra saved my marriage."

I reckon I'm on to a winner here. All I need now is some mug to offer to publish it. Just form an orderly queue please.