Moving pictures

There's been an awful lot of printer's ink spilt in recent weeks over the emotive subject of the Malta film industry. Apparently we should be making our own movies - agreed. We should also be making low-budget cheapo flicks in the Maltese language, to flog to international distributors - not agreed!

Now I, Sylvanus, will tell you what sort of films we should be making: Come on, write this down, I'll be asking questions later.

What we should be shooting are sex films. Yes, you read correctly. Filth and smut is what today's punter wants and will pay for. Certainly there's no market for folksy little ethnic dramas scripted in the vernacular, comprising little old ladies in faldettas skipping among the goats and banging-on about the price of kunserva.

If we are aiming at a mass audience we ought to be churning out micro-budget grope and grunt movies with lots of exposed flesh and flailing limbs. Nothing could be simpler: this couple meet in the street - at most, one day's location shoot: Cost zilch... especially if we shoot it outside my Aunty Gracie's wool shop in St Paul's Bay. Next shot: Couple enter apartment... They can borrow mine, for free. Couple take their clothes off and get at it... in glorious colour... and even in 3D, if you like. The credits roll with couple lying flat out on the bed, totally knackered.

Now what could be simpler and cheaper than that?

True you'd need two video cameras, one hand-held to get the best action shots and angles on the bed. But it would still be dirt cheap to make. You could churn out at least three dirty movies a week, and each with a guaranteed mass market overseas. And, more importantly, you don't need any dialogue, whether in Maltese or anything else. Just the occasional sigh and moan... and they can be in any language... even Maltese. In fact, a few strategically expleted ajmas might spice it up quite nicely.

So sure am I of the potential success of this project that I have poured all my life's savings into a company to go right ahead and produce a string of these movies for Europe and the world. Filth Films Ltd was launched yesterday with a venture capital of Lm37 and 42 cents. I mean, it shouldn't cost much more than that to churn out a few suitably titillating knicker rippers, of the "Tracy wanted it... so she got it, in spades"... variety.

I reckon Filth Films Ltd could be the salvation of the Maltese film industry. Never mind your mega-buck sword and sandals epics... they are usually crap anyway. How many people saw Troy and didn't fall about laughing? One of the most unintentionally funny movies ever made. I hear it's even up for a Golden Raspberry... the annual bummer movie 'Oscars' awards.

No, let's stick to what we know best. We Maltese are experts at promoting smut. After all, we've been doing it for decades in Soho. Now let's crank it up a gear and make the logical move into movies. I reckon that as well as being the salvation of the Mediterranean Film Studios, we could very soon become world leaders in the dirty film industry. Anything the Yanks and Brazilians can do, we can do better... and cheaper.

And if the head honchos down at Rinella are concerned that their precious water tanks won't get used, we could always write-in a grope scene underwater, why not?

Cheap filth is always in demand, so let's satisfy that demand! Oh yes, the Sylvanus plan for the salvation of the Maltese film industry transcends tax breaks, cash discounts and all the other dodgy tricks designed to bring top Hollywood moguls beating a path to our door.

Smut sells, as everybody knows, so for goodness sake let's start producing some. Did you know that the annual Cannes Film Festival even acts as a showcase for grubby little movies? There is a special category for lewd features. So Cannes could be our first showcase.

I'm already working on our first 'epic'. It's to be called When slut Stacy met well-endowed Kevin. Nice snappy little title, don't you think?

You see... in two or three years we could well be the filthy film capital of the world.