On shame and the development of self-affirmation

Let me introduce myself: I'm a counselling psychologist and my work is to do psychotherapy with adults. As psychotherapist, one of my values is growth: the discovery and development of oneself in whatever stage or state one is in. Psychotherapy works for those of us who genuinely want to look more deeply within us and at how we relate.

Very recently, I came across this concept of shame and how shame shapes who we are. Shame is learnt interpersonally and is then internalised in the make-up of our identity. Eventually we come to see ourselves and to relate to ourselves and others as shamed selves.

But let me start with an experience of shame. A person I know wrote the following personal reflections on the subject; she writes as part of her ongoing process of therapy.

"The course experience and teaching were very good, but I didn't feel so well with the others in the group. I feel less, inferior. I am very cautious about what to say so as not to reveal my self, my past. When I think of what I went through I feel so stupid! What a fool! What a life script!

"As I read more and reflect more and work more on myself, I come to realise that perhaps this is shame. When I feel a failure for many things and situations in my life, when I feel inferior and small, less, different and less than, unequal because I don't measure up; when I nearly broke down in tears last time, it is not guilt or blame or judgement for anything wrong I've done. It is about shame. It touches my core - not anything I've done is wrong, but I am wrong. I am wrong for being me.

"And in shame I hold back; in shame I retreat and close myself in my cocoon. In shame I don't want to show myself. And in this state I lose my connection with my centre, with my core. And I feel even less, and bring more shame unto myself. In this state I make the outside my yardstick and I go by what is expected of me. Who I am is just shameful - I throw away my resources and I lose connection with where I am strong. In shame I am in touch with my deepest pain and my most raw emotions. There I'm lost. And in spite of knowing I'm good and able, I lose myself in that experience of shame. Like a monster, shame takes over, and where shame is, I am not - I am lost."

What a difference to the experience of feeling worthy, feeling special, loved and living meaningfully! All of us want to feel secure within ourselves; all of us want to belong, to have roots, to be connected with others; we all want to feel needed, that we are special and loved even if to just one person; and all of us want to know that we are capable, and are moving on, free to live a life that gives us meaning even if this involves striving and struggling. We want to feel whole and strong, able to appreciate ourselves, able to be with others, able to manage life as it comes to us.

Shame tears away this picture of a contented me. In shame I feel exposed and diminished. Doubt creeps in and I feel inadequate. An inner anguish takes over and I feel sick. My worth is questioned, and I am the only one responsible because all around me everyone is achieving, happy and successful.

What do we do in shame? Often we hide. We withdraw so that no one can see. We retreat in sadness, or we immerse ourselves in our roles - in fact we become just what we need to do. We can seek to forget ourselves - our emotions, our souls; and focus all our attention on others. We can become judgemental of others - I am right and they are wrong; or we can do the opposite - I can care for others in the hope that they see I am good and appreciate me. We can create many defences against looking deep inside and meet broken us, to avoid the suffering. In fact, to avoid suffering we make many compromises, denials and splits, both within and outside of us. To avoid suffering, often we choose to stay un-free and limited.

Is there a way out? Of course there is - it takes courage and commitment though! All growth in life takes boldness to happen. And so with shame and our self-development. To heal shame you must not attack yourself or the other and close yourself; rather you must stay centred in your reality - in who you know you are. And you have to carry your different-ness without judgement; and carry your limits and still love yourself.

In the holding of an empathic other, you have to trust (slowly and carefully), talking your emotions, being emotional. Do not expect the other to carry you, but to be near you in your journey. Shame heals when you experience an other risking for you, and with that knowledge, you can then start seeing, loving and risking for your-self. Perhaps along the way, you will manage to see your hurting child who had to carry the big burdens of demands and beliefs created by others long ago. It takes time to start talking to yourself caringly and befriending your self, and more time to be able to stand upright in self affirmation. But it can happen. The task is arduous, it takes much patience, but it is possible. Eventually an inner peace will come, and then you will know.

Needless to say, being a psychotherapist, one place where healing and growth can take place is psychotherapy, because there a relationship is created which is safe. In a therapeutic relationship, it is safe to connect. Within a therapeutic relationship, a person can come out and work through issues of pain. There a person can grow in self-awareness and responsibility.

Ms Mangion is a counselling psychologist and Gestalt psychotherapist and can be contacted on 7906 8531 or at annamm@maltanet.net