Criminal model for success

Three separate articles in the February 1 issue (The Times) confirm that our criminal courts have lost their teeth by handing down meaningless suspended jail terms.

In the first article, a man was given a suspended jail term for, among other things, hitting a policeman in the face and smashing his glasses. "On handing down judgment the magistrate noted that [the accused] was willing to pay for the damaged spectacles." First, you bloody the cop's nose, then you get away scot-free by saying: "Did I hurt you pal? Let me pay for your pulverised glasses."

In the second article, a man was conditionally discharged after he admitted to stealing pavement bricks to use them for his garage. "The magistrate heard that [the accused] regretted his action." I would too, if I were caught.

In the third case, the accused were also given a suspended term after they admitted to stealing alcohol from a store. The magistrate was touched that after they were pounced on by the police, they cooperated. On top of this, he noted that they had a clean record.

This nonsense about "clean record" means many times that the accused repeatedly violated the law before, but was never caught until his 101st crime.

"Cooperating with the police" means absolutely no cooperation until the police have done all the tedious groundwork in uncovering the irrefutable facts.

After observing an endless string of criminal court judgments, it is evident that the model of success for a Maltese criminal goes as follows: (1) Steal, steal, steal. (2) If apprehended, point out that you were never caught before (i.e., clean record). (3) If the police have irrefutable evidence, cooperate with them about your last crime only. (4) Blame the invisible loan sharks who siphoned off your financial liquidity. Say sorry. Express your shame (blushing is not essential). Your word is your bond and the magistrate will accept it. (5) The only real penalty you'll incur will be the lawyer fees. Why bother with a lawyer when the most you'll be penalised is a suspended term? (6) Keep doing what you do best - stealing. (7) If caught again, repeat all previous steps with the exception of Step 2. (8) A new suspended term will replace and clean out your first suspended term. (9) Start early in your criminal career so your trophies accumulate over time. Besides, the younger you are, the more your mother will be able to attend your court sessions bleeding the magistrate's soft heart. (10) If, finally, rotten bad luck catches up with you, stand on a soap box in the middle of Republic Street and throw brown envelopes to the toothless on their way to the courts.