Abstaining from sex before marriage

A campaign promoting the value of abstaining from pre-marital sex kicks off next month. Suzanne Vella, the Diocesan Youth Commission's projects' coordinator tells Cynthia Busuttil why sex is worth waiting for.

People should wait for the "right time" before having sex, preferably until marriage.

"The sexual act is one of self-giving. When I give myself to someone, I am telling him that my life is his, and this can only happen in marriage," the 23-year-old says.

"When somebody touches me, they are not simply touching a part of my body, but myself as a whole. Body, heart and soul are integrated. So, a physical act is not just that, but something that incorporates the whole person."

This concept is at the basis of a six-week campaign - Lejn Hajja Sesswali Isbah (Towards A More Beautiful Sex Life) - organised by the Diocesan Youth Commission (KDZ), the Cana Movement and Dar Guzeppa Debono.

The campaign aims to spark a debate about sexuality.

"On one hand, there is the media promoting sex as something enjoyable and suggesting that people cannot go without it. On the other hand, both the body and sex are still shrouded in stigma," Ms Vella remarks.

Many people feel there is something wrong with the body, or that it is dirty. "We believe that the body is beautiful, as sex is. This is the message at the heart of the campaign," she adds.

Steering away from dogma, the organisers are aware there are differing voices calling out to young people. "We want to be among these voices, and offer an alternative."

Ms Vella admits that waiting until marriage is a most difficult challenge. "I got married three months ago, after a seven-year relationship, and I found it worth waiting until marriage to have sex," she admits.

She points out that it was "a very challenging decision", something that she and her fiancé used to talk a lot about.

"In the beginning, he used to tell me that once a couple decided to get married, it would be ok to have a sexual relationship. But I believed that since I would have the opportunity to spend my whole life with my husband, we should spend our dating and engagement years getting to know each other, learn to really love each other and become good friends.

"I strongly believed also that my body is a beautiful thing, and that it deserves respect, because I deserve respect. I wanted the person to whom I gave my body to be prepared to wait for me. Waiting increased the level of trust between us because it proved that he really respected me and was prepared to wait for me."

The decision helped the relationship to grow, especially when her boyfriend had to go abroad for a year, Ms Vella explains.

"It was not easy, and we were no angels," she says with a smile. "But we made a consistent effort to respect each other, and we used to talk about it a lot, despite some embarrassment."

What was the biggest challenge? Ms Vella thinks for a short while, then answers that it was when the couple decided to get married.

"At that point, we were sure we wanted to be together, and that made us want each other even more. It was also a big effort to stick to our decision when he used to come to Malta on holiday.

"During intimate moments, your defences drop and it is very easy to get carried away. But it was worth living this experience."

She was sometimes afraid that her decision would pose a threat to her relationship, especially in the beginning.

"I was afraid that he would break up with me, but there were a lot of other good things in our relationship that made up for the lack of sexual intercourse. The relationship was too good to lose."

How would she have felt if her boyfriend had previously had an intimate relationship? Ms Vella replies that had that been the case and he was prepared to wait for her, she would have accepted it.

But was she not afraid the two could not be sexually compatible? Ms Vella says compatibility is subjective to age and circumstances. "If two people really love each other, it is difficult not to be compatible."

Although the campaign refers mainly to abstinence, Ms Vella says that the attitude should not be one of getting around the system. "It is not a question of doing everything but intercourse." Asked where an unmarried couple should stop in their intimate relationship, she answered there are no strict regulations.

"What we are advocating is respect toward the other person. We should ask what we are trying to say with this physical act. Are we simply telling the other person we feel comfortable with them? Or that we enjoy feeling close to them? Let us instead look at the true meaning of sex - self-giving with commitment."

She points out that sex is not solely there for conception, but is a manifestation of love and unity between the couple.

However, there are couples who either decide not to get married or cannot get married because of certain circumstances. Ms Vella explains the campaign does not address that situation.

Part of the campaign will consist on the distribution of information leaflets among young people. "You never have enough information, and we cannot expect young people who lack enough information to arrive at informed decisions.

"We want people to talk about this, even if they don't agree with the message of the campaign. We want society to speak about sex instead of giving up. There is another option to sex before marriage."

The bottom line is whether the campaign will be successful. It would be very difficult, if not impossible, to measure success, Ms Vella admits.

"Raising awareness is already enough," she concludes.