Even out here on the landing we can see quality... just pure quality! I mean, look at the finish on those doors, Peruvian mahogany... the very best that money can buy, beautiful work, don't you agree? Yes, of course you do. Actually, you are extremely fortunate, since this is by far the nicest apartment in the most prestigious development in the whole of the Maltese Islands. Oh yes, Jerrybuilt Court is going to be the address to brag about.
And just before we go inside your new apartment - at least I hope and expect it'll be your new apartment - can I draw your attention to yet another quality detail that just goes to underline that you will be purchasing an apartment like no other... Well, yes, it is exactly like all the other 379 in the complex, but what I meant was... like no other in Malta.
See there... no, there... the intercom system. State-of-the-art. Any visitor standing out here will be recorded by digital CCTV cameras, finger and voice printed... they will even have given a DNA sample by the simple act of pressing the intercom buzzer. Um, true, it's not been installed yet, but it will be... it will be. Oh yes, this apartment is much more than just the most desirable residence in the Mediterranean, it is a veritable fortress... and we at Immobile Homes Ltd (estate agents to the rich and profligate) are justifiably proud to have been given the sole agency to dispose of these mega-desirable properties.
If we just step inside... oh yes, note the combination lock on the outside front door. No, well spotted, it's not yet there, but it will be... oh yes. Um yes, now once inside you will be able to really appreciate the sheer unadulterated luxury of the interior. And... as a senior representative, the boss's son actually... but I shouldn't boast about that... no quite, of the premier estate agency in Malta and Gozo... we have branches in Victoria and... Gharb no less, I can truly state that you are privileged to be able to purchase, assuming you do purchase, this quite staggeringly opulent property, at a price which is... though I say it myself... a positive snip at one point two mill... that's million, not mils. You lucky old things, I just wish I were buying instead of you, although, had I been buying, then naturally I'd have to forego the commission and that's not my style... no way.
Our chairman and head guru Ted Lott, or - as he insists his employees, including myself, call him - Mr Lott, has authorised me to say that we at Immobile Homes are proud, nay sycophantic, to have been granted the sole agency to this most prestigious and - yes, I was coming to that. Just take a glance out of those picture windows at that view. Ignore the crane and the construction site in the foreground and concentrate your gaze on the luxury pool deck... or at least it will be one day... soon, we hope and trust.
No that's not a rubbish dump smouldering in the background, it's an er... a, well, OK it's a rubbish dump. But it's scheduled to disappear, vanish... When? As soon as you put pen to contract... like magic, yes. But ignore that and come into the luxury kitchen. Here we have absolutely every mod con you can think of and a few that haven't even been invented yet.
Empty? Well, it is at the moment, but you see that space over there, that's where the environment friendly solar-powered cooker will go... and just here is where the equally pollution-free nuclear-powered waste-disposal unit will sit... encased in four metres of concrete all round, as an additional safety measure of course.
Now we can go through to the master bedroom with dressing room and luxury bathroom en suite. No, the one on the left will be the bathroom... or is it the one on the right? Well, one of them anyway. And further on through here... er, excuse me. Where are you going? You can't leave now, I've got the contract here ready for signing... Please sign there and there... Come back!
Some people... just don't know a good thing when they see one.