Beck to basics

On August 6, I.M. Beck's didactic tone, when translating into English the name of a Maltese hill, irked me. Specifically, his patronising "that's how it translates". Finis.

On August 10, my brief letter, mainly meant to take the Michael by mimicry, was published, but not under the heading Maltese As She Is Spoken - as I submitted it. The editor, exercising his rights, changed (a) the heading to The Correct Translation - which implies the exactitude of what linguistic laws dictate; (b) my Maltese It-Telgha t'Alla u Ommu to It-Telgha t'Alla w Ommu. I used the letter "u" not "w" between "Alla" and "Ommu" - without batting an eyelid about the existence of the Akkademja tal-Malti, let alone its latest publication. I also ribbed I.M. Beck with "the Oracle has spoken" and a reference to my having ignored I.M. Beck's lapses in French, a language with which I stated I was "passingly" familiar. Only close friends, those who know that French is my mother tongue, grasped my "English" understatement.

In his column on August 13, I.M. Beck drew himself up to his full height by opening en francais with the heading: Touchè - thereby falling flat on his face, because touché is spelt with an accent aigu (that, Becksy, is the inwardly slanted accent on the e), not with the accent grave that you used. Of course, this also could have been an editor's gremlin. (A bit of face-saving for mon ami, ABC.)

In line 2, I.M. Beck conceded that his translation of the hill's name was "adequate", but within three lines le patron was back to his didactic ways, categorically stating that I had: (a) "split my infinitives" and (b) used words "like 'passingly' which don't exist". Note that the oracle had returned. I breathed a sigh of boredom.

Mon vieux, I.M. Beck may not be aware that according to the Oxford Library of English Usage, there is today a more relaxed attitude towards split infinitives. Given the high profile of his weekly column, always bang opposite the editorial page, I.M. Beck must - or at least should - also be aware that in a letter to his publisher, a famous author wrote: "When I split an infinitive (expletive deleted), I split it so that it stays split!"

For the less insufferably presumptuous than I.M. Beck, in the sentence "The teacher asked the class to kindly sit", "kindly" correctly splits the infinitive "to sit"; placing "kindly" before, or after, the infinitive "to sit" gives two totally different interpretations. So I.M. Beck is wrong. QED.

En passant, an SMS from a friend, recognised for her wit and intelligence, but who would cringe at being styled an expert, read: "passingly... adverb. See Webster's encyclopaedic unabridged dictionary of the English language, page 1054". I do not have Webster's, so I looked up the 10th edition of the Concise Oxford Dictionary. On page 1042, it lists "passingly: adv., a derivative of passing". Wrong again. Raspberry to I.M. Beck.

Oh! I.M. Beck also opined that I should have used "passably". I felt that sounded too much like the Maltese "passabbli" and preferred "passingly", which does exist (see above) - no matter how far off the likk il-bocca is.

Then he invoked the help of the gods with: "perhaps some truly erudite master of tongues (the "erudite master" he nicked from my contribution) could settle this once and for all".

Friends suggested I ignore I.M. Beck since he is massively advantaged by having his weekly column published. It being Santa Marija week, and since I had underlined I.M. Beck's reference to my haste, I took my time and had virtually written off (excuse the pun) the idea of a riposte.

But lo and behold! Saturday the 20th dawns. I.M. Beck would have us believe that the gods had answered his prayer, not for "a truly erudite master of tongues" but for what I.M. Beck presented to you, readers and jury, as an expert - either self-anointed or Beck-appointed. Her double-barrelled surname, the second being very conveniently British-sounding, does not appear in the telephone directory or the electoral roll. Any lawyer will tell you that such a person is, at law, non-existent. The electoral roll does list a Marie Louise Cutajar.

I regret that at this stage I am compelled to do away with the needle of insinuation and pick up the club of statement. So much for watching my Ps and Qs - but most certainly not Beck's Rs - (for raspberries).

In my opinion, the "editor by-pass", which he performed on August 20, portrays the columnist in a less than glowing light from the point of view of journalistic ethics. I find his fast-tracking of opinions favourable to his case, but not yet published by his editor, to be an overwhelming overindulgence. I.M. Beck, undoubtedly, would also have fast-tracked an unpublished unfavourable opinion.

It is only in kangaroo courts that the defendant not only brands a witness as "expert" but goes further to impress on the jury (the reader) that his expert's evidence is unimpeachable. Then, for his tour de force, the defendant transmogrifies into the judge of his own trial - and issues a verdict in his own favour! He then instantly changes hats back into his defendant's role, to glorify in his own positive verdict, with a phrase he so imperiously used in his last line of August 20 - "I do so love it when I'm right". You're not. You're wrong.

God forbid that the Maltese courts - with which I.M. Beck is certainly a lot more familiar than I am - were to operate in the way I.M. Beck operates his column. Surely a court would appoint a truly independent expert, say a don from Oxford or Cambridge.

Especially, M'Lud, in the extremely relevant light of the disastrous O and A level results achieved by Maltese students - particularly in government schools - in the English and Maltese languages. This was prominently reported in a recent issue of The Times. Is this the work of "experts" who claim they "have been teaching English for longer than I care to make public"? Is one's expertise established by what one does or by what one achieves? Could one, possibly, be confusing, say, 25 years' experience with one year's experience, repeated 25 times over?

I suggest that I.M. Beck's expert's time would be better spent - especially now that she is enjoying her very long government school summer holidays - on focusing to improve students' English results, by applying her undoubted abilities to obtaining better pass-marks for her pupils.

I say this from my vantage point as the recipient of many job applications written in mutilated, massacred English. They make me wonder about the identity of the experts who have supervised our youths as they turned the English language into the Anguish languish.

Finally, only experts in foot'n mouth disease start sentences with "Also". What is de riguer is docility, Mrs Cutajar - not a desire to seem superior! "Put his foot in it"? - not my foot!

Back to I.M. Beck: First, please allow me to dispossess him of the notion that the indigenous intelligentsia (a member of which I do not claim to be - as I.M. Beck will surely agree), are otherwise unoccupied when they opt to ignore the exquisite ennui of his errors (see his footnote on August 6 re his faux pas a week earlier in confusing Gershwin with Bernstein).

Secondly, if I.M. Beck can split hairs, if I am piqued, I will circumcise mosquitoes! "Nothing is wittier than to make frivolities serve serious ends," said Erasmus. However, let me remind him of the hoary chestnut about the Tower of Pisa telling Big Ben: "If you have the time, I have the inclination". I have neither one, nor the other. I.M. Beck is clever enough, to use his own threadbare phrase, to turn any contribution into "grist to his mill". As a money man, I translate this into "putting money into his till". Possibly, for one of his ilk, a handy supplement to wearing the silk.

Finally, as I switch off the lights of this batti-Beck, those who followed it should by now be de-lighted. If I.M. Beck re-fuses (got it, Bocca?), and opts to light up again, even though I think readers would think it re-volt-ing, he is not to expect me to en-lighten him any further.

Editorial note: No "opinions" submitted for publication, whether "favourable" or "unfavourable", are brought to the attention of columnists in advance.