Yes madame, you do have the right number. We are indeed Peanuts Airlines, the lowest low-cost airline on the planet. Can I help you?

You want to fly from Malta to the UK with us. Sure, no problem... and when would you like to go? Fine... well you're in luck. It just so happens that we do have a flight on that day.

We fly from Malta MIA to London Gatwick, Luton, Birmingham, Manchester, Newcastle and Glasgow. You'd like to fly to Gatwick? OK... the flight departs at 3.45 a.m from MIA...

Yes I know it's rather early but, as the lowest low-cost airline we do have to fit in where we are allowed to... um fit in. Oh and please be there at least an hour and a half beforehand to check in.

Well the flight should take just under three hours, getting you to Gatwick by around a quarter to seven... a.m. Oh and please remember that we have a strict limit on the amount of luggage that you may take with you.

This means that you are restricted to a total of two kilos of hand baggage. What's that? Luggage in the hold? What hold? No if you want luxuries like baggage in the hold, you'll have to fly with one of those expensive jobbies like Malta Air... or whatever it's called.

That's right, just the two kilos of hand baggage, that's one of the very minor sacrifices you have to make in order to fly Peanuts Airlines.

Food? Oh dear me no, we don't serve food and drinks, that's just for the luxury... high-cost airlines. If you want to bring sandwiches, that's up to you. But please remember they will count as part of the two kilo weight allowance.

Oh and please use the WC before you board our aircraft, we er... we don't have these facilities. So if you need to take a leak once we're airborne, you'll either have to cross your legs for three hours or do it in your knickers... sorry.

That's one of the very minor deprivations you have to put up with for the sake of a cheap... dirt cheap flight.

What's that? Let me get this straight... You want to know what the stewardesses will be doing? What stewardesses? Madame we are the cheapest of the cheap!

You can count yourself lucky we even provide a b****y pilot. What makes you think we can afford the luxury of a smattering of slappers handing out sick bags.

Oh and that's another thing... if you do fancy a puke during the flight... bring your own chunder bag. If you want to fly inexpensively, these are the little sacrifices you have to make.

So you still want to go ahead and make a reservation? Fine, two seats... what do you mean seats? You'll squat on the floor in the belly of the plane and like it. Unless you want to go Club Class. Oh yes very posh...

In Club Class you can strap-hang. I personally prefer to squat; strap-hanging gets a bit wearing on the arms in three hours. And squatting is easier on the lungs, since our planes are not pressurised.

I'll admit we've lost the occasional passenger with breathing problems, but it's all right when you get used to the thin atmosphere at 30,000 feet.

Right then, you did say Gatwick right? Fine... no probs, you'll be issued with your parachute just before the pilot does his first sweep of the airport.

Parachutes? Yes of course, we can't afford landing fees all over the place. But don't worry, the pilot will yell at you when it's time to jump. You're lucky you're getting out at Gatwick, Manchester's murder with all those high-voltage power lines all over the place.

OK then Mrs er... we'll see you at MIA on the 14th... sorry, sorry 15th at... whatever time I told you.

Oh and before you board the flight, a discreet member of our staff will just check out your undergarments. You see we don't permit passengers flying with Peanuts Airlines to wear lace trimmed undies.

Why? I should have thought it was obvious... we madame, are a no-frills airline... boom, boom!