The Customer Abuse Column, with Adriana Glottal Stoppe

Hi there dumbos!

Yes it's me again, your one-way ticket to the bankruptcy hearing. And yet again I've got a sprinkling of patsys and nutheads to take the p*** out of. So let's start with this mega-dork:

"Dear Friend of the friendless (Friendless eh? That sounds like a good description of you... AGS)

I recently took my fiancée to a restaurant, Bertu's Botulism Bistro in Benghajsa, to celebrate our engagement. It should have been a happy evening but... Not only was the food inedible and gave me chronic food poisoning. As I was throwing up in the Gents, the waiter, a smooth-talking Gozitan (Wrong already, there's no such animal as a smooth-talking Gozitan) pinched my girlfriend from me. They are now living in sin in a squat in Ghajnsielem. Please tell me... can I get a rebate on the tiramisù? I'm sure it was that that caused all the problems."

No friend, you can get no rebate... It was your own stupid fault for eating there in the first place. Everybody knows that Bertu's tiramisù is sure-fire sh*** inducing. As for the business with your fiancée... If you allow yourself to be upstaged by a Gozitan waiter, then you can't be much of a catch yourself. My advice: Get a life w****r!

They get worse. Take a look at the gripe of this poor sad oaf:

"About one year ago my wife and I moved into our brand new maisonette in Luqa. We were blissfully happy, we had all the mod cons we needed and a roof over our heads. I also insured the property with a reputable insurance broker, Skrewem Sideways and partners.

Everything in my world was wonderful... Until two weeks ago, I returned from work to find no maisonette. While my wife and I were out, the well-known mega-property developer Pepe Pollacco of Pollacco and Sons had sent in his bulldozers and flattened the entire area... including my beautiful home.

I am now homeless and when I slapped in a claim with the insurance broker, he replied that they would not pay out since the destruction of my house was, an act of God. Help me please... I'm desperate."

Well Desperate... or whatever your name is, I'm afraid I can't help. Your insurance broker is quite right, it was an act of God... You must surely be one of the few people in Malta who doesn't know that Pepe Pollacco is God!

And just take a gander at what this pig ignorant plonker has to say:

Dear saviour of the Maltese nation (I thought only Mintoff qualified as that, but I'll take it... AGS) I have a predicament that only you can solve. (I doubt it, but nice try... AGS) Just lately my 94-year-old nannu has been acting very strangely. He's been staying out late and walking around with a silly grin on his face.

Then last Thursday, on a routine search of his incontinence briefettes, I discovered a packet of Viagara hidden in the lining. On presenting this incriminating evidence to my local pharmacist, he stammered:

"I had to sell them to him. He said he wanted them to prevent hair loss." But... since nannu has been totally bald for 60 years, I find this hard to believe. Worse... Yesterday morning my nannu was served with a paternity suit by some slapper who claims to be carrying his triplets. Can I sue the pharmacy for irresponsible behaviour?

No you jolly well can't! If your grandfather is able to sire triplets at 94 - with or without Viagara - then you should be applying to the President to get him... and the pharmacist awarded the Gih ir-Republikka.

And on a final note: No Mrs GP of Birzi, I do not agree that my byline photo, at the top of this page, makes me look "shifty". I think it makes me look rather sexy actually... so there!