Herd in the hide

Players and officials from Janissaries Rugby Club, Coventry, were recently hosted to dinner by the Dysenteria Bar and Restaurant, San Gwann... tel: 2177-7757 or 8230-4444. The Janissaries were in Malta to play a series of matches against Maltese rugby teams.

Upon their arrival at the Dysenteria Bar and Restaurant, San Gwann... the English rugby team were welcomed with welcoming flutes of welcoming aperitifs (which they immediately exchanged for more welcome pints of lager) by the ever welcoming proprietor of the Dysenteria Bar and Restaurant, Effie Parnis Tagliaferro... who duly welcomed the players and officials to his establishment... the Dysenteria Bar and Restaurant... San Gwann.

After a delicious meal of traditional Maltese beefburgers and chips, the president of Janissaries RFC made a short speech of thanks to Effie Parnis Tagliaferro... the proud owner of the Dysenteria Bar and Restaurant... San Gwann. There were also speeches from representatives of the Maltese rugby clubs, who had earlier been comprehensively stuffed by Janissaries.

Later, cabaret was provided by the players and officials with a well organised chip fight, accompanied by the singing of melodious, if raucously obscene, rugby songs. There were also several short interludes of impromptu and unaccompanied regurgitation.

The evening was brought to a fitting climax when the SAG were called in to evict both players and officials. And everyone agreed they would definitely return to the Dysenteria Bar and Restaurant... once it was rebuilt.

Farewell activities of Malta's Ambassador to San Marino

Dr Ignazio Farinari Grech, Malta's retiring ambassador to the Republic of San Marino, recently held a farewell reception in his official residence. Present were dignitaries from San Marino as well as a number of distinguished freeloaders. In his farewell speech Ambassador Farinari Grech said: "Goodbye"!

Following the ambassador's departure, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs would like to take this opportunity to deny - categorically - that the ambassador cleaned out the entire embassy of everything of value. Not true! He left all the walls and roofs exactly as he'd found them.

With regard to the furniture, fittings, white goods... plus the Canalettos and Mattia Pretis, he states that he did not steal any of these... he merely removed them to a safe place, as part of what he considers to be the legitimate perks of the job.

Miss and Mr Drop-dead-gorgeous models of the year

Natalie Ferro Bartoli and Craig Spiteri Drew were recently crowned Miss and Mr Drop-dead-gorgeous models of the year, in a glittering ceremony in the Pullicino ballroom of the Sant'Antnin waste recycling plant.

Both wore glittering outfits courtesy of Hers and Hers of San Gwann. Hair was by Historical Follicle of San Gwann and make-up by René (plastic surgery while you wait and landscape gardening) of San Gwann....

And in case anyone's confused as to which is Natalie and which is Craig in the photo above. Natalie is on the left... or is it the other way round?...

People

Raymond Spiteri Mangion of San Gwann has recently completed a Master's degree in pyrotechnics at the Guy Fawkes Institute of Advanced Destruction, Westminster. He submitted a thesis on the development of the mega-petard. Mr Spiteri is expected to return to Malta as soon as he takes delivery of his prosthetic limbs.

Marisa Debono Simkins, 24, of San Gwann, has recently returned to Malta after undergoing intensive training at the Anne Summers Head Office in London. Miss Debono Simkins successfully completed a technical course in the successful and safe fitting of certain latex appliances. Miss Debono Simkins has since returned to Malta to resume her duties as product tester at Anne Summers' Malta subsidiary.

For your diary

The foreign wives solidarity association will be holding a husband swap-shop at Dar L-Emigrant, Valletta next Thursday at 4.30 p.m. All husbands are welcome.

Friends of the moggie will be hosting a cat-spaying marathon, in aid of the Kappara Kittens Co-operative. Bring your own spaying utensils.

There will be a mass meeting of the Norman Lowell appreciation society... in the telephone box, Bahrija Square next Tuesday at... lunchtime or thereabouts. Fruitcake will be served. This will be a white tie event.

All are welcome... but no blacks, Jews or Irish.