No, but seriously...

Minutes of the last meeting of the general committee of the Federation of Automobile Nurturers And Testosterone Infused Car Zealots (FANATICZ)

Present: The chairman, the hon. secretary, the hon. treasurer and four members of the committee.

Apologies for absence: Mr George Bezzina Thorpe (who has just purchased an as-new second-hand 1969 Ford Escort, and is preoccupied with installing security cameras in his garage) and Mr Reuben Tanti Schembri (for no other reason other than the fact that he can't bear to be parted from his newly acquired 1983 Fiat 125... with whitewall tyres and genuine RAC badge on the grille).

The minutes of the previous meeting were read, approved and signed into law.

Agenda:

1: The chairman brought up the recent case of a member of the federation who had been caught in flagrante with his 1976 Subaru. The chairman brought the matter to the committee's attention and warned that while FANATICZ approves of and indeed actively encourages the near-worship of the internal combustion engine, it actively discourages any form of physical relationship with the vehicle. Besides, as the chairman pointed out: "This sort of thing can wreak irreparable damage to the chrome of the exhaust pipe".

2: The secretary reported that the FANATICZ zealot-of-the-month award for January went to Ronald Borg Estoril of Fgura. Mr Borg Estoril not only cleaned his car... inside and out, twice daily seven days a week; he was also reported to have polished the paintwork to a shine seen only on certain types of Baco foil, and only in extremely sanitary conditions. Mr Borg Estoril was nominated for the award by his wife. Unfortunately she couldn't be present for the presentation of an 18ct gold sponge and bucket, since she has sadly since left him.

3: Continuing with awards: The secretary reported that entries for our annual "Record number of front grille badges award", is extremely encouraging, and while it is still early days, the front-runner - a certain Mr Carmelo Sant Sant from Zabbar - is going to be difficult to beat. He is reported to have affixed no fewer that 1,200 badges to the front of his 1967 Mercedes 190. In fact the car is now so front-heavy, he has to change the tyres around every week, since the rear wheels no longer touch the road.

4: The secretary also reported that he had received an application from the Naxxar Nodding Dog Society, for recognition within the federation.

The committee had no objection to this per se but, as the chairman remarked: "We do not want our beloved federation to be hijacked by factions. If the NNDS want to be a part of FANATICZ, they must abide by the rules... once we write some."

5: Committee member William Degiorgio Smith brought up a problem that has plagued the committee in the past. The problem being that of faulty amplifiers for car stereos. William claimed that there are some cars on the road with stereos so inefficient that they can hardly be heard inside the vehicle, let alone four streets away.

The committee agreed that this constituted a serious misuse of stereo equipment and all members of the committee would henceforth be entrusted to ensure that any deficient or low-decibel set of stereo equipment would be reported immediately to the committee. They would then take action to either modify the volume control to stick at maximum, or if this was not possible, confiscate and destroy the offending piece of equipment. This proposal was put to the vote and carried unanimously.

Any other business:

The chairman brought up - yet again - the vexed question of more and more cars being cited as co-respondents in marriage separation cases. Naturally the chairman blamed the wife, for gross intolerance and lack of appreciation of the finer things of life.

He felt that wives should be educated to appreciate their husband's obsession for what it is, a life-enhancing activity... nay, fixation.

There was general agreement among the rest of the committee.

There being no other business, the chairman pressed his multi tone car horn, switched on the ignition and drove everybody home, with the stereo turned up full volume.