"You know, I hate to say this, but I think the government is right," the Nasturtium of Peter Calamatta mused as my wife and I strolled through his garden centre.
"And just what is the government right about?" asked a little Pansy.
"Fat people," the Daffodil countered. "Ever since that NSO lifestyle report came out that said we're a nation of cellulite, a collection of Dead Man Slobbering, everywhere I go I notice more and more bulbous tubs of goo doing unspeakable things to elastic."
Sure enough at that very moment we couldn't help but notice a couple who looked like the sad but inevitable conclusion had the Goodyear Blimp and Jabba the Hutt mated. It would have been easier to ignore a solar eclipse.
Now, I know I'm not an expert on fashion statements but (ahem) if you are a woman with a gut hanging out over your belt like a lava flow, is it really a good idea to have a pierced navel which is to sex appeal what Hannibal Lecter is to cooking light?
Indeed, how much longer before we replace the Maltese Cross as Malta's greatest symbol with a plate of ribs? As you're out and about at one of our shopping and eating complexes, or taking in a football match, or sitting in a restaurant, look around you. We are truly turning into a drawstring of double chins.
The National Statistics Office has estimated that 60 per cent of the population is either overweight or obese, weighing about 72 kilos. Males aged 25-34 years weigh in at almost 85 kilos, though females weigh some 20 kilos less.
Does this mean restaurants will be compelled to have special Big Fat Porker sections separating those who simply want to enjoy a meal from those who regard an eatery like Tony Montana eyeing a mound of cocaine in Scarface? The reason why the nation would appear to be more comfortable on a platter with an apple in its mouth is that all that stuff simply tastes good.
Rather than simply recording our increasing obesity, the government might do better if it educated and urged the public to cultivate better eating habits and exercise in the pursuit of a healthier lifestyle. Meanwhile, lard butts have no one to blame other than themselves for being a last rite waiting to happen.
Mind you, if it's not because of excessive eating, the last rites might be triggered by smoking. Simply because many people die every year from smoking-related illnesses, Big (cue the Dracula theme) Tobacco has been painted as the Osama bin Laden of public health. Poor Big (cue the Night of the Living Dead theme) Tobacco.
Where did Big Tobacco go wrong? If ABC, Tobacco's public face in Malta, is reading this, please treat it as a hypothetical question. I am not looking forward to reading a lengthy reply from you extolling the virtues of consuming cigarettes or simply inhaling their smoke. You'd have a better chance of convincing us if one of your paymasters had come up with chocolate-covered Marlboros.
Of course, Big Tobacco has invested billions into creating images of tobacco as sexy, cool and rebellious. The entertainment industry then picks up those images.
A recent report by the American Lung Association's Thumbs Up! Thumbs Down! programme reveals that 80 per cent of PG-13 movies of the past year include tobacco use; that leading actors light up in 60 per cent of the top box office films; that pro-tobacco messages can be found in three out of four movies that feature tobacco use.
Most moviegoers pay little attention when actors smoke on screen. After all, they don't have to breathe the fumes. But teens and pre-teens take notice. Hundreds of children are known to start smoking each day at least in part as a result of exposure to such movies.
To focus attention on the influence of this bad habit on young lives, Thumbs Up!, which is funded by the California Department of Health Services, has been making annual Hackademy Awards. The pink, gray and black lung awards are a takeoff on the Oscars.
American Wedding earned a Pink Lung for staying smoke free. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl also chose to avoid smoking as a prop. Mona Lisa Smile, however, was criticised for linking intellectual women with cigarette use. So was Bill Murray's cigar puffing in Lost in Translation. Diane Keaton was great in Something's Gotta Give but did her ardently anti-smoking character really need to light up near the end as she joked, "I'm in Paris. The smoke will kill me anyway"?
American Lung Association president John Kirkwood has asked the Motion Picture Association of American to change its rating system to avoid smoking scenes in films intended for young audiences. Though movies are rated for amounts of violence and sexual content, it's tough knowing beforehand which ones promote smoking. Concerned parents can check out the http://www.scenesmoking.org website for guidance. Each week, adult and youth volunteers grade the top 10 films based on how tobacco is depicted. Black Lung icons awarded to recent releases include Mystic River.
You think this is exaggerating the problem of pre-teen and teen exposure to tobacco? A look at some statistics from the state of Indiana in the US may change your mind. The Campaign For Tobacco-Free Kids there reported that almost one in four of high-school students smoke, that kids bought or smoked 20.3 million packets of cigarettes each year and that 167,000 kids now under 18 will ultimately die prematurely from smoking.
Two years ago, Indiana tripled its cigarette tax and spent $32.5 million a year to encourage people not to smoke or to quit. Consequently, cigarette consumption dropped by about 18 per cent overall, by 26 per cent among high school students and by about 12 per cent by middle-schoolers.
The NSO's Lifestyle Survey shows that, here in Malta, 4.7 per cent of all persons who smoke or used to smoke are people aged 18-24. The age group 18-24 accounts for 10.3 per cent of all people who still smoke or used to smoke.
Maybe Thumbs Up! Thumbs Down! should broaden its sights beyond California to Malta and give Dr ABC and the GRTU's Philip Fenech "black lung" awards, too. In support of its awards, it might send the two gentlemen an extract from a report by New Zealand's Cancer Society showing that second-hand smoke is the third largest killer in the country, after active smoking and alcohol use.