Right now, listen up... The board of PBS have met in crisis session... again, and come to the decision that the following will comprise the restructuring and downsizing complement of the Public Broadcasting Services.

First of all, I'll explain the way in which we intend to redeploy our full complement of staff. Now I see you're both here, good... so these will be your duties as from today.

Eric, as chief executive you are currently employed to oversee and implement the decisions of the board and to ensure the efficient day-to-day running of the radio and television stations. But... henceforth we have decided that you will also be responsible for the following:

All company accounts and fiscal matters will be dealt with directly by you. All matters dealing with human resources... i.e., personnel are also down to you. That shouldn't be too taxing, since the entire staff of PBS has been whittled down to just two employees... you and Daphne.

Further, you will be solely responsible for all matters concerning the newsroom. This will include supervision, writing and reading all news bulletins, reporting on all stories (naturally this only means local stories, we'll still be taking a feed from Reuters for the foreign rubbish... at least while we can still afford it) - getting pictures, film and facts from all these local stories. I grant you, it may seem a little tricky doing in-camera interviews while also operating the video cam... but you're a resourceful chap, so I'm sure you'll work something out.

Oh yes, and since we can no longer afford to buy in many foreign TV programmes, you'll have to make your own with local actors and writers. The public prefer to see stuff in Maltese, so that should be a plus. Oh, and... obviously they'd all have to work for free. I'm sure they wouldn't mind, after all... they should be grateful for the opportunity to work on TV, don't you agree?

And in addition to these duties, Eric, you will also be expected to do all the company's maintenance in-house. In other words, I suggest you take an evening class in electrical engineering... sooner rather than later. Oh, and did I mention security? No? Well, you'll be expected to see to that as well. What do I mean? I mean a nice cushy little number, stalking the corridors of PBS all night as watchman. I'm sure you can fit that in.

Oh, and if anything else crops up... I'll lumber you with that as well.

Now Daphne, no we haven't forgotten you. In addition to your current job as receptionist/telephone operator, we'll be expecting a bit more from you. From today onwards you will have to produce all daytime TV programming, as well as hosting them. You'll enjoy that... I think.

Cameramen? Don't need any, we'll just use one. Switch it on and off you go. Can you use a computer and type, dear? Never mind, you'll soon learn because you're also going to be in charge of all office work... correspondence, programming, wages, etc... And we're even going to give you an extra job I think you're most suited for... Yes, you'll also have to be the cleaner and tea lady for the entire PBS building and staff... and since that's only going to be you and Eric, it shouldn't take you long to work out who takes sugar and who doesn't.

And in your spare time Daphne, you'll also be expected to go out and get adverts for the station. A successful TV and radio enterprise doesn't run on fresh air, you know. Most of the TV commercials will be out sourced to the ad agencies, but you can still make yourself available for voice-over work. That should put bit of extra cash in the company's pockets.

Oh yes, Daphne, you will also be the union's representative within the company... And yes I know, you don't belong to a union, that's why we appointed you... The last thing we want is some bloody union putting the mockers on the efficient running of the new slim-line PBS.

Right, I think that's about it... Any questions? Good, OK, get on with it.