Well, you wouldn't hold a child on your lap while driving, and apply lipstick to your lips, at the same time, would you? And you wouldn't then let go of the steering wheel and let the car freewheel along. You are not as mad as that, surely. But some people in Malta are, it seems, if the words of Superintendent Ray Zammit are anything to go by.
Readers will already know this from using their own eyes, but we have it from the horse's mouth that traffic policemen patrolling roads in Malta sometimes see drivers doing incredible things.
Incredible things. Unbelievable - and dangerous as much as mad.
First of all, there is the ubiquitous cellphone. What is it - one out of every 10 drivers that pass you, 12, eight - have one hand holding up a cellphone to one ear?
Do not mobiles ring in theatres, churches, and conference rooms? Do not many people answer them there and then, despite disturbing the others?
It is not uncommon to see drivers reading newspapers while stuck in traffic jams. Sometimes you can see women applying lipstick or make-up as their car freewheels gently in very slow moving traffic.
During this year, up to September, traffic police made out a total of 23,414 charges.
The range of offences boggles the mind, but in some cases it is the rareness of the booking that strikes those who are continually offended by rampant macho displays on the road - the full arm hanging out "just in case", the smoking buses, the loud tum-pi-tum-pum from stereo, the offensive honking in cities even at night, the well-worn tyres on cranes, the crossing of red lights, the slow driving in the fast lanes, the occupation of two lanes by buses while partly on bus lanes, the arrogance of taxi drivers and even some horse-cabs.
Just over 5,000 bookings this year were for parking offences, but there have been close to 1,500 tickets issued for crossing continuous white lines, 190 for emitting excessive exhaust (only 190?), over 2,500 for faulty lights, 44 for negligent and reckless driving, and 622 for driving against a one-way sign.
Tickets for over-speeding amounted to 744 in the first nine months of this year while close to 6,100 tickets were issued for failing to wear a seat belt. Another 39 drivers found it does not really pay not to replace worn tyres as they were booked for driving cars with such tyres. Another 29 were ticketed for failing to stop at a pedestrian crossing and 397 for failing to abide by traffic lights.
Many complain that drivers in Malta do not use indicators to indicate turning. But it is not uncommon for a driver to signal one way and turn another. And what about discos on wheels? Twenty-one were booked for playing loud music while driving.
Ninety-one were booked for not having a rear-view mirror, 20 were charged for not having wipers and six for driving without a mudguard.
One common complaint is that the easier bookings concern the bad parkers, when wardens and police should be more watchful for dangerous behaviour on the road, including the bandying of insults at the least provocation.
While thankful for the good work of traffic police and wardens, it seems it will be some time before more serious misbehaviour on the roads will be sufficiently addressed.