Skin-shallow

Graziella Mozzarella Mizzi spends a whole day being pampered at the Face-Value Fitness and Beauty Spa and Burger Boutique

Let's be honest, girls. We all enjoy being made a fuss of, and to have the opportunity of spending a whole afternoon being fussed and pampered over in the Face-Value Fitness and Beauty Spa and Burger Boutique was an offer I just couldn't resist.

Besides I was due a freebie, and this happened to come along at the time. Quite frankly I'd have preferred the week at Club Med, but the editor nicked that for himself... selfish bastard!

But hey! If it can't be Club Med, then what better way to spend three whole hours? (Do you want a list...? Ed)

I was met at the imposing entrance to the Face-Value Fitness and Beauty Spa and Burger Boutique by "Android" (his name could have been Andrew, but he had a rather pronounced speech impediment, so I didn't want to press him on that one). He whisked me off to the luxurious luxury of the luxuriously appointed luxury changing centre, which was, I have to say... truly luxurious.

Having divested myself of my street clothes, I flung on one of the luxurious monogrammed towelling bathrobes with matching mules. "Android" then escorted me from the luxurious changing centre and handed me over to Siegfried, a handsome Danish chap wearing nothing but a thong and a broad smile.

Siegfried lisped that he was going to make me "even more beautiful, by covering me in mud". But not just any old mud... oh no, Siegfried's mud came straight from the banks of the Ganges, and its restorative and beautifying powers were known only to the Hindu sadhus and holy men, who have been slapping it all over themselves from day one.

I must say the experience of being covered in slurry from top to toe was not an unpleasant one, even if the smell was a little redolent of open sewers. But Siegfried assured me that my friends would certainly notice the difference... even if the only organs that registered this difference were their noses.

Siegfried did eventually allow me to wash off the caked mud deposit, whereupon he hurried me along to stage two (or stage three, if you count the undressing bit).

Next, I was to be given a full body wax by Roxienne. She explained that she would cover all my hair-bearing areas with a combination of refined paraffin wax, lightly softened with a smattering of ear wax, for aesthetic purposes.

Denuded of all my unattractive surplus hair (I managed to prevent Roxienne from also stripping everything off the top of my head... just), I was ready for my massage. This was carried out by Maureeeece, who informed me that his main aim in life was to one day win Miss Universe. And I wouldn't be at all surprised if he did.

The massage, like everything else at Face-Value Fitness and Beauty Spa and Burger Boutique, was rather special and... luxurious. Maureeeece informed me that he used a technique perfected by Ancient Greek potters and refined over the years.

And I'm sure it has been, but I wonder if it included instructions to massage my feet quite so vigorously and quite so often. No matter, afterwards I felt like a new woman. Sadly it looks like I'll have to make do with the old one, since the Face-Value Fitness and Beauty Spa and Burger Boutique don't do takeaways.

And still the pampering wasn't finished.

I limped away from Maureeeece and made my way... gingerly... to Ricky, who told me he was going to completely redesign my face. I'm pleased to say he wasn't referring to surgery, just make-up. And so... after a whole afternoon's pampering in the luxurious luxury of the Face-Value Fitness and Beauty Spa and Burger Boutique, I returned to the office and the admiring glances and complimentary comments of my colleagues... although I'm still not sure if the punk makeover was entirely... me. And the fact that most of my colleagues tended to give me rather a wide berth may just have been due to the residual effects of the Ganges mud.

But who cares... I feel wonderful after my luxurious afternoon's pampering in the opulent luxury of the Face-Value Fitness and Beauty Spa and Burger Boutique.