Dealing with bereavement

Losing a loved one tops the list of stressful situations and, though nobody is exempt from death, the topic is often swept under the carpet and few know how to handle grief.

"Death is an uncomfortable topic and a lot of family members and friends do not know how to comfort the person who has lost a loved one. Instead they feel awkward and say nothing, further isolating them," according to Edward Curmi, a clinical and community psychologist.

Speaking in an interview on bereavement, Dr Curmi said friends did not necessarily need to know or say the right words; just listening and being there would do the trick.

"It's worse not to acknowledge your friend's pain. Sometimes just taking a tray of food and showing that you feel their pain is enough to comfort them - they need to know there are people around them willing to empower them," he said.

"Words of comfort can be difficult to find but are less important than simply being there."

People also tend to skirt the issue and avoid mentioning the name of the dead person for fear of causing more upset but to the grieving person it may seem as though you have forgotten their loss and are "air-brushing" them out of their life.

Dr Curmi also pointed out that any loss through death was always painful, irrespective of the age of the person.

"Just because the person who died happens to be an 87-year-old we tend to diminish the pain of their relatives but they still have to go through the natural phases of grief no matter what the age is," he insisted.

It is important for those who have lost somebody close to them to understand they have to go through a process of mourning, which cannot be rushed.

Grieving due to loss or bereavement usually follows the common pattern of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

"People need to grieve to accept a deep loss and carry on with their life. Experts believe that if you do not grieve at the time of death, the grief could stay bottled up inside, possibly causing emotional problems or physical illness later on," he said.

Dr Curmi said that it was also important for expectant mothers who miscarry their child to give the lost baby an identity - the trauma cannot be swept under the carpet.

"Death is a subject people don't want to talk about - but we have to accept that some day we are going to have to let go of the ones we love, so cherish the moment."

The five stages of grief

Everybody has one day to go through the process of grief, whether we like it or not. Everybody grieves in a different way and there is no timescale for these stages to be reached but it is important to be aware of them and understand that these intense emotions, withdrawal and sudden outbursts are normal. It is also important for relatives and friends to be aware of them to be of support to the grieving person. These are the five stages:

Denial
This is when we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re-enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one. Making an extra cup of tea for the person who is no longer there or introducing someone accidentally by your loved one's name can all be part of this stage.

Anger
The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others for our loss or we can become easily agitated having emotional outbursts. We can even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cop with grief.

Bargaining
Bargaining can be with ourselves or if you are religious with God. Often we will offer something to try to take away the reality of what has happened. We may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were. This is only human.

Depression
Depression is a very likely outcome for all people that grieve for a loss. There can be a feeling of listlessness and tiredness and you may be bursting helplessly into tears, feeling like there is no purpose in life. You may find you feel like you are being punished. Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve even from things and activities which you have always gained delight. There can even be thoughts of suicide. If at any time you feel like doing yourself harm please seek professional advice.

Acceptance
This is the final stage of grief. It is when you realise that life has to go on. You should now be able to regain your energy and goals for the future. It may take some time to get here but you will.