Short storeys

Imagine... not the John Lennon type of visualisation; not even the type of preposterous picture painted by Maltco plc, where anyone who even thinks of being touched by Lady Luck automatically gets bats in the belfry.

See, in your mind's eye, what would happen if you did not pay your television licence, and someone came around with the necessary thingamajig to block further transmissions into your house until you squared up.

The aforementioned people will remind you, before carrying out the exercise, exactly what you are missing... a news bulletin to send to your relatives in Australia which will be more recent than the ones they are currently receiving; a recipe that has finally replaced the one starring summer fruit that had been appearing up to quite recently... a new, improved teletext...

Then they reassure you that just as Massimo Lopez and John Cleese are not related, well, then, neither are Barry Manilow, Paolo Bonolis, and Lou Bondi fraternal triplets who were separated at birth.

Moreover, they will hasten to assure you, the latter's sense of humour is the most finely tuned of the three, as is evidenced in his joke this week that kumbinazzjoni the topic for Xarabank would 'also' be Russia. Perhaps, kumbinazzjoni, the clips for both shows were shot by the same crews, using the same cameras, on the same trip?

Unless you subscribe to Melita Cable or satellite television you would have to rely on the 'usual' Italian channels for news bulletins - and that is where you would discover that they rarely give a toss about what happens in Malta and which Member of Parliament said what to whom, where, and when.

Yet, unbelievably, they manage to come up with hundreds of news stories just the same, a sampling of which, picked randomly from different stations, follows.

Why is the dental hygienist always dour? Because he is always looking down in the mouth. One hyper-motivated chap decided to change the course of things. He set up shop - or rather clinic - as a dentist... and ruined several people's pearlies in the process.

Different people, when hit by personal tragedies, have different ways of coping. Some of us keep out of the limelight whatever the circumstances, but others actually give interviews despite - to spite? - the tears flowing down their cheeks.

Spare a thought, therefore, for Maria Laura Mion - at age three, she was hit by a car and fell into a coma. This week, having spent 30 years without regaining consciousness, she died.

Remember also the victim of a freak accident who fell to his death when all he wanted to do was to help people involved in an accident on the lane parallel to the one in which he was driving.

It seems that in his earnestness, he leapt over the wire fencing that divided the dual carriageway - while forgetting that it was not, in fact, one thoroughfare, but two bridges, side by side, separated by just enough space for his death to happen.

The station that does deserve a mention, however, is Rai Tre; the newscaster on the regional Lazio bulletin informed us that, as in previous years, the section was offering a fee bulky refuse removal service.

Our own Station of the Nation has no time for such niceties. After all, it is still asking would-be contributors who would like to present programmes in the forthcoming February-May schedules for Radju Malta, 106.6 and TVM, to submit their statement of intent.

They have to be submitted pronto - at any rate by November 5. Rather too restrictive and paving the way for projects that may potentially be rushed, I would suggest.

I thought that Il-Basket (PBS, Tuesdays 6.10 p.m., repeated on Thursdays, 10.30 a.m.) could only get better, but it seems I was wrong.

Since the whole object of the series is to teach the consumer - that's you and me - about our rights, it stands to reason that any discussion by the panel in the programme would have to be either about the vox-pop or playlet in the same instalment. This week, for instance, the disgruntled client of a furniture firm intimated that she was going to call the Department of Consumer Protection, which she did.

The officer at the other end of the line told her that if - when - she called at the Directorate, she would be told her rights (and undoubtedly her duties) as a consumer.

At no point - even later - were we told what these rights are, although this information could be potentially useful to many of us in similar situations.

It is easy to understand that the presentations had to take place somewhere that was not easily recognisable, just in as anyone sought to mutter the dire words 'unfair competition'. But the names of establishments are often visible in vox pops; although it would be splitting hairs to call this subliminal advertising.

Do all the studio guests watch the play carefully, and listen to the vox-pop attentively? One gets the feeling that all the sections of the programme are recorded separately, and then spliced together because they loosely fall under the same heading.

Another conclusion, which is irrationally logical, begs itself. Suppose one has been doing a radio programme for, what, half a century. There are applications as above, available, but one does not apply. Would it go amiss for a minion in the Programmes Department to put it to him, gently "May I remind you... are you in the least interested... here is the relevant form to fill in should you want to..."

Another logically irrational thought comes from, for a change, the local news bulletins. Someone tries - twice, on the same occasion - to commit murder, but gets away with a paltry sentence, crime passionel being cited. Someone else is injured at work. In both cases, victims have become wheelchair-bound, suffering permanent disabilities. But in the domestic violence case, although the woman has a child to look after, no mention of compensation was made... perhaps the woman must sue to obtain it.

Why the inconsistency? If the accused is stone-broke... why then, he ought to be made to earn the compensation he ought to pay.