Listen, I been running my bar, the Friend to None, for 23 years... and my dad ran it before me, and we never had no problems with rules and regulations. Now, suddenly they want to make trouble for me and change everything (***** and other assorted obscenities).

Now they say I must make my WC nice and clean... For what, but? So my customers can make it dirty for me? Listen... Nobody ever complained that my WC was filthy... Nobody! Even though it is... really, really filthy. But my customers like it like that.

Can you imagine how uncomfortable they'd all feel if they had to make pipì in a clean WC? Oh no! It's not natural, no village bar has a clean WC... It's only these last few years we've had one at all. Before then it was a bucket out the back... and even then nobody complained... except me. Believe me, in summer the stink from that bucket would have knocked over a galloping horse.

And who's going to pay for this "clean" WC? Answer me that! It's all very well for some tal-pepè from the Tourism Authority to say these things, but who's going to pay... that's what I want to know. And anyway I don't get tourists in here... only the occasional illegal immigrant... and they never complain either. In fact, some of them can't get over the luxury that I provide... and all for the price of a glass of tea and a hobza.

No, xbin, it's not right. They are picking on us bar owners because they know we are with the Opposition, That's why... it's true!

And what's all this rubbish about putting a price-list up outside my bar? Oh yes, very clever. Even though it's true that tourists are scared to come in here, that's really going to spoil things for everyone. What happens if a tourist does come in here after seeing this so-called price-list outside my bar? Do you think I'm going to charge him the price he sees outside? I want to make some money from him, eh... It's only natural. Tourists are rich, or they wouldn't come to Malta. Oh no... this government wants to ruin me, it's true.

And you heard what they want to make me do to my floor?! They say I must stop putting down the sawdust, because they say it not hygienic or something.

But it's not true... it's not hygienic if I do not put it down. Tell me: what happens when one of my customers spits on the sawdust? His spit gets soaked in and when someone treads in it nothing happen. But... if they stop me from using it, my customer must spit on these new tiles they say I must make... And that's very dangerous, I think... Because when my customer spits on it... another customer can come and slip over on the slippery spit and maybe break his neck... or worse!

And now they say something even crazier... They say they want to stop cigarette smoking in all bars. Have you ever heard anything crazier? No smoking in a bar! That was why God invented bars, so my customers could come here for a quiet smoke... and they are not hurting anybody... except themselves. Listen... a no-smoking bar is like a no-sex brothel!

No, it's the government's fault... I tell you, they are trying to ruin me... purposely!

Even they are telling me I must put all my hobziet in a refrigerated display cabinet on the bar. What rubbish! My customers like to poke and squeeze the hobza they are going to buy. How can they do that, if it's stuck in a bloody display thing?

But I won't stand for it, taf! I shall rebel! After all, what is a Maltese village bar without filth? I'll tell you... It's a Maltese five-star restaurant.

All together now: "We shall overcu-u-ume, we shall overcome"....

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