Playing at home

It's got to happen, it's inevitable... Just a matter of when, tomorrow or the day after. What am I on about? I'm talking about a Malta-based girlie mag... of the Playboy type. So it's decided. I, Sylvanus, am going to edit Malta's first ever soft-porn mag.

Yes I know there was a very short-lived attempt at a similar sort of publication a few years back, but that was a rather sad parody of the real thing.

I actually bought a copy, and I wish I hadn't. It was dreadful... Oh sure, it was full of naked broads, Maltese naked broads at that, but none of them were the sort you could bring home to Mother. In fact, gazing at some of the grotesque old slappers with barn-door bums and bangs touching their knees, it was a bit like looking at pics of your Mum with her kit off.

So no repeat of that... I promise.

No, what we want is a super quality glossy mag, yeah OK, a bit like Playboy... but Playboy for today and for Malta, we'd call it Playgbin... cool, eh? And it won't just be full of pix of naked broads - although there'll be plenty of those - but we'll also have articles... about naked broads.

We're for variety, and quality. Our nudes will be tasteful, no page three porn, no beaver shots... well, OK there'd be a few. But our girls will ooze class... and sex. We can't go wrong. Oh yeah and... bags I do the photo shoots.

We'll trawl the Maltese Islands for the best looking totty, we Maltese know a decent bit of crumpet when we see it. Then we'd sign them up on a proper contract, and we'd even tell them what it would cost them... financially, to display their wares in Playgbin.

And I'm going to have lots of laddish features. "How to pull with a hangover"... that sort of thing.

Oh yes and I'm going to include a feature specially for a certain type of Maltese male, called "Teeth Sucking Corner". This will be for all those bus, taxi, van and truck drivers who can't drive by a female... any female, without sucking their teeth and passing some perfectly acceptable obscene remark in her direction. This section will compare sucks and there will be a prize for the most obscene looking tart to get sucked at... The prize will go to the tart, not the sucker. In fact, he is and stays the sucker... in more ways than one.

We're going to have prizes galore. For the guys there'll be the "How many times a night" award. This will be a prize for the bloke with the greatest staying power. It will have to be verified by an impartial observer... and this might be quite tricky. I don't know of too many people willing to give up a whole night's shuteye to stay up in a complete stranger's bedroom, counting the number of times he... well, you know. Maybe we'll use technology and develop some foolproof counting device that doesn't require constant monitoring.

There will also be a correspondence page, where men can compare erections and discuss their most recent sexual conquests... all very tasteful and deeply intellectual.

Oh yes and a jokes page. Readers will be invited to send in their favourite non PC jokes. We're going to call the page: Jokes to make a feminist fume.

We'll even do book reviews. After Bill Clinton's autobiography, it'll soon be Monica Lewinsky's turn. We'll certainly review her tome, which, I'm reliably informed, is to be called Cigar - So Good.

I think we should try and include some serious articles for the more cerebral readers. Nothing too serious, we'll steer clear of politics and religion... but we may touch on sexual politics, why not? We might invite our political leaders to tell us (in 500 words with pix) what foreplay they prefer to indulge in. Well that is sexual politics... of a sort.

I can see this mag is going to be the biggest thing in local publishing. I reckon it could even outsell Gwida.