If I were God

I doubt that anything has been more misunderstood, misinterpreted and redefined in the year of our Lord 2001 than the sixth commandment.

If I were God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, I would call a press conference to clarify my long-time stance against humans killing each other.

If I were God, I'd tell the world: "Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, I'm going to say it again. Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbour. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

I'd tell them: "My name has been invoked countless times over the centuries by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, as a reason to kill in an unending cycle of violence. I don't care how holy somebody claims to be. If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what religion you are or who you think your enemy is, read my lips: No killing, in My name or in anyone else's, ever again."

I'd say: "I rarely intervene in earthly affairs. As a matter of long-standing policy, I have traditionally left the task of interpreting My message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams and Biblical scholars.

"Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering My ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. That was my biggest mistake. I tried to put my commandments in the simplest possible terms for you people to understand. I really thought that I had left no room for confusion by putting the sixth commandment in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets that I gave to Moses.

"Could I have been clearer than that? But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will.' It's not God's will, all right? God's will is Do Not Kill. Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an.

"To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay? So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it's My mistake. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal rubbish. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall.

"This whole mediaeval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in the 10th century and with good reason. There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones.

"The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists. Read the book: Allah is Kind, Allah Is Beautiful, Allah Is Merciful.

"It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some idiots have to come along and revive this stupid holy war nonsense just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thank you Taliban. Thank you Mohammad Omar. Thank you Osama bin Ladin. There go 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain.

"My remarks are not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions. I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of time.

"The Muslims massacre the Hindus. The Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews kill the Palestinians and vice-versa. And the Christians? The Christians believe in a Messiah who says: 'Turn the other cheek' but they've been killing everybody they can get their hands on since the Crusades.

"Can't you people see? What are you, morons? There are hundreds of different religious traditions out there and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism; every religious belief system under the sun says you're supposed to love your neighbours! It's not that hard a concept to grasp, is it?

"Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other...you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were gibbering apes! The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behaviour. How obvious can you get?

"I'm talking to all of you, here! Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore... ever! I'm serious!"

And then if I were God, I'd weep in frustration.